Can You Speak -Woman-

CAN YOU SPEAK WOMAN? I can speak French and sometimes Chinese I can also speak cat with some ease When he miaows at me as he goes I mimic his call and he knows When the dog barks I reply Even the horse and I see eye to eye But I can’t speak “woman” It’s beyond the speech power of a man. I can’t talk for hours about shoes And discuss the merits of mauves or blues Or share the humour of how pink bows Don’t go with green pillows And go all weepy over Meryl Streep Or wax lyrical over some punk-rock creep Or persuade some guy to discuss flowers Rather than the size of the nuclear powers .. . . . so she said. . . . so then I said. . . And she whispered. . . . and her face went red. . . . No it’s impossible to spend hours on the phone I’d rather sit watching football all alone It’s futile me trying to pretend An interest in what gift to send Or remember birthdays wi th accuracy Such a task would drive me crazy God save me from female speech Let me speak “man”, I beseech Just let me sit alone and grunt Or maybe shoot, fish, and hunt And talk to the dog about football facts Or maybe to the car while I wax.