The Relic Of You

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The first time I saw him he was in a box. A small box on my screen. Zoom classes had taken over the country as the pandemic arose. First day of 8th grade took place in my room. I don’t remember much of our conversation, however I do recall it taking place during Spanish class. I had been paired up with him for some assignment. I remember at the end he said “well it was nice talking to ya.” And then returning to the main call. I remember thinking he talked weirdly. I remember thinking nothing more. So that’s it. That’s the whole thing. That’s the first time I met Andrew.

I had received the news from my mom that I would be joining the j-z last name cohort on Thursday and Friday for in person school. I wasn’t very nervous and I don’t remember why I wasn’t. I remember seeing my old best friend from the grade before but we rarely talked now as we had lost touch when we switched to online. I had math for the first block. I found my classroom and sat down and started the warm up. Or at least tried. Math wasn’t my strong suit. I was somewhat deep into a problem when the school bell rang. I looked up for further instruction. That’s when he came in. He was tall and had brown hair that was swooped to the side, and his lips were the perfect shade of pink. But what really caught me were his eyes. Blue. But they weren’t the same boring blue eyes I had seen a million times before. His eyes were a bold blue. A deep ocean blue. They were intense but beautiful. And from that moment on I wanted more. Just from looking at his eyes. I knew I needed him in my life.

I didn’t talk to him for the first few days. I couldn’t just come across as needy or creepy. But I kept an eye out on him. At lunch in our assigned desks I noticed he didn’t talk to anyone. One day he even pulled out his chrome book and started doing school work. Well, I assumed it was school work. I had never seen him before that day in math class. So I assumed he was a new student, as I knew everyone else from last year. I kept my distance for a bit, even though he was tempting. I waited. Until it was October 31st when I made my first move.

It was Halloween and I knew no one was going to dress up this year. I mean we are 8th graders now, everyone was too cool for that. But as the defending winner of “most creative costume” last year I felt almost as if I was obligated to dress up this year. Even if it wasn’t big. So I settled for a bee. At school I was talking to my friends, well, more like staring into space as they talked among themselves. I couldn’t even tell you what they were talking about. A blue car with a new mexico license plate drove up to the 8th grade drop off. And out stepped Andrew. But it wasn’t Andrew. Well it was but he wasn’t dressed like normal everyday Andrew. He almost looked like a ripoff version of Paul revere. He had the coat and the hat. He was one of the only other 8th graders to have dressed up. But not just throwing on a pair of bee antennas like I did. He stood out. And maybe that’s what drew me in to do what I did next. Or maybe it was because everything about him interested me. Or maybe it was because he was new and didn’t have any friends. But something inside me dared to know. So I did the only thing I could think of that was socially acceptable from where we both stood with each other. I smiled. I smiled at him. And guess what? He smiled back. I don’t know why it surprised me that he smiled back. Looking back now he was probably just being polite. I mean what else are you to do when someone smiles at you? But that smile gave me confidence. Confidence I didnt have for anyone else. Confidence I only had for Andrew. Confidence that led me to him. Literally because suddenly my feet had led me to him, right in front of Andrew.

I can’t remember the first words I spoke to him. Maybe it was hello, or how are you. But honestly I don’t remember, But I do remember what we spoke of I imagine It went along the lines of this.

Me: “Are you supposed to be Paul Revere?”

Andrew: I don’t know, I just found this.”

Me: “It’s cool, I'm just boring so I went as a bee.”

I remember Andrew doing a lot of talking. I didn’t think about it at the time but this was probably the first time anyone has really talked to him. So no wonder he had so much to say.

That day I walked with Andrew to class. It was the first of many morning encounterments with him. We walked to every class together after that. I don’t know what we talked about. But he did do a lot of the talking. And I listened. Well I listened to most of it and parts of me were too distracted by Andrews being. I remember he was tall. So much taller than me. And he smiled when he talked. I remember he had freckles and how they were perfectly scattered around his face. He seemed almost perfect.

At lunch I moved spots to sit next to him. I remembered how I saw him working on his chromebook. However, after I moved seats I never saw his chromebook out at lunch ever again.

Days went by and Andrew and I, every morning, would meet at the front doors and talk. He told me a little about his life back in Albuquerque where he was from. As he talked I learned more and more about him. Within days I felt as if I knew so much. One day we had to choose partners for some civics project. And Andrew wanted me. He wanted me as his partner. I felt as if I was always chosen last for everything. I remember when I was younger I would always be chosen last for capture the flag. Every. Single. Time.

You get used to it eventually. But something inside you always wonders what if I were chosen?

It felt like it had been a lifetime since I last made a friend like this. Cause that’s all we were, just friends. But sometimes I do imagine what it would be like if we weren’t just friends. But sadly that only ever existed in my imagination.

I remember when I gave Andrew my number, the first time. I remember sloppily scribbling down the digits and on a green sticky note and handing it to him. I watched in class as he crumpled and played with the sticky note. And somewhere along the school day he had lost it. Because I remember typing in my number at the end of the day. All these years later I had imagined that he had just misplaced it, forgetting it. But then I remember the small crumpled ball he had made out of my number, balling and fidgeting with it in the palm of his hand. Maybe he didn't miss place it. Or forget it. Maybe he never wanted it at all.

We packed our things as the end of school bell rang. I was closing my chromebook when Andrew turned to me. The 6 words he would say next may seem to hold nothing but in the end it would be everything.

“Do you want to hang out?” he asks. My heart stopped. Andrew Rcihards wanted to hang out with me. Me, as in Kassie Andrew wanted to hang out with Kassie

“Sure.” I say totally keeping my cool. “I have to ride home with Sarah but I’ll meet you at the 4 way intersection on bliss around 3:30?”

“Sounds good.” He says and we walk out together

I remember waiting at the intersection for what felt like forever. Wondering if he would even show up. But then from a distance I saw him. Biking towards me. He had a blue cap on and a blue drawstring bag on his back. I couldn’t help but smile. He showed.

“Where to?” He asks.

“Follow me.” I say. I led him to the fields and pulled out a soccer ball.

“I’m not very good at soccer though.” he proclaims.

“It’s ok, it’s just for fun.” I dropped the ball on the grass and began kicking it around.

“Let’s do 1 v 1.” I say, I begin accelerating. Andrew chased from behind me but my speed overpowered him as I made my first goal.

“This is so unfair.” Andrew states after I made my what was around my 3rd goal. “Can we just pick up the ball and run with it?”

“That kinda defeats the point of soccer.” I say. “But ok.” I picked up the ball and began running. Andrew followed after me, this time he caught up. As he got close enough he swooped me into his arms. He began to struggle as he tried to get hold of the ball which my arms wrapped tightly around. But not tightly enough as he finally got possession of the soccer ball and threw it into the goal.

“Finally!!” he cheers. I Laugh.

“Good job.” I congratulate.

We wandered the field for a bit, talking about anything. It felt so easy to talk to him and something about the way he talked enlightened me. He sounded so smart and it felt as if he knew everything. We were about in the middle of the field when he suddenly stopped and bent down to pick something up. It was a zip tie.

“Here,” He said, taking my wrist. “It’s a bracelet!” I tugged at my new “bracelet” trying to pry it off. No budge.

“I can’t take it off now!” I cry. He laughs.

“Come with me.”

He takes me to the baseball dugout and takes his backpack off.

“Don’t be scared okay?” He says.

“Um, ok?” I was unsure of what was to come. Andrew then pulls out a switchblade.

“What the fuck?” I say, as I gradually move away.

“No, I’m going to cut it off, okay?” He says.

“Ok?”

“Don’t move an inch, otherwise it will cut you.”

“Look away,” he says. I obey. I felt a sudden tug at my wrist and then a release. I look down at my now freed wrist, the zip tie was gone. I then look at Andrew who flips the blade back inside.

“Thanks.”I say. “Even though you were the one that put it on in the first place.”

“I was so close to cutting you.” He says “Like so close.”

That then should have scared me. The fact that I was alone in a baseball dugout with a boy whom I barely knew who carried a switchblade. But it didn't. I wasn’t scared. Something about him made me trust him. Maybe even a little too much.

I can’t remember exactly what we did after we left the baseball dugout. However I do remember getting starbucks at the shops. I got my usual strawberry acai refresher and he got eggnog. I remember making fun of his choice and strongly stating how gross eggnog was even though I had never had it. I remember Andrew making me chug the rest of his drink and me almost throwing up. And I remember implying that he was “basically my best friend now.” I had never made a “best friend” that quickly. Maybe then it was one-sided however, that was not the last time I saw Andrew Rcihards outside of school. Not even close to the last.

I remember going home feeling so fulfilled, Warm, Wanted. It was the perfect end to my week. I felt almost as if I accomplished something as well. Like I made this happen. I felt like good things were coming my way. No one could take this feeling from me.

We planned to meet the next day and play tennis as I had been bragging about taking tennis lessons all summer. Andrew had mentioned he played for several years but hadn’t played in a while. So therefore we agreed it was right that we played next time we saw each other.

“Hey, mom Andrew and I are going to hangout again today.” I say.

“Ok, well I want to meet him since you’re going to be hanging out now.” She says. I sigh. Typical mothers. I waited in the driveway as my mom weeded. Not long later Andrew pulled up on his bike into my driveway. I still picture when he pulled into my driveway on his bike the day we were to play tennis. I remember it so vividly. Sometimes I imagine him doing that now, him turning the corner to find me, just to see me, to talk. But I know that won’t happen again. I know who I am now is not who he wanted then.

“Hi I’m Mrs Krein.” My mom says already walking up to Andrew to introduce herself. They chatted for a while and then we were off to the tennis courts. As we set our stuff down I noticed Andrew's water bottle. It looked almost as if it was made for a young child.

“Nice water bottle.” I tease. He smiles.

“Yeah, I actually brought you one just in case you forgot one." My heart suddenly melted. Andrew brought me a water bottle just in case I forgot one. I don’t know why but it felt like the most considerate and kind thing anyone had ever done for me. It meant he thought of me, it meant he cared.

We started playing tennis. It only took a few hits back and forth to realize that Andrew was fairly good at tennis. And it only took a few seconds to realize I wasn’t very good competition. Andrew ended up putting cones out and even let me use his very expensive tennis racket to try to better me. I was completely embarrassed. I guess I wasn’t as good as I initially thought.

“I thought you said you were good.” He said.

“Well I’m much better at soccer.” I say trying to heal my ego.

After that we then biked around for a bit and stopped inside a bagel shop.

When we entered I Andrew grabbed water. I started questioning why he would get water when he already had two on him, he answered before I could even ask.

“You’re probably wondering why I’m getting water when I already have one. Well if we’re going to sit here I have to get something.”

After Andrew paid we sat down at the high chairs and we talked for a bit. After a while he pulled out a deck of cards. We played a little go fish. It was silly, but fun.

“Do you know how to play rummy?” He asks after the round had ended.

“No.” I answered,I had barely remembered the rules to go fish.

“We’ll save that for another date.” He says. “Let's go.”

We’ll save that for another date. Date. The sentence stuck with me. As shitty as my memory came to remembering this story, I do however clearly remember him saying that. I remember being confused as we had never addressed this as a date. We had never even mentioned the idea of liking each other.I was confused and maybe even unsure. However, I did like him. And maybe he liked me too. But nothing ever came of it. He never confessed to liking me. And I never confessed my feelings for him either. I’ll never know how he felt. I never really knew if Andrew Rciahrds had liked me. And he’ll never know how I liked him and how those feelings only grew stronger from there.

I remember Andrew really wanted to meet my parents. He had briefly conversed with my mom but he never met my dad or my sister, Ellie I remember biking home one day with him (I can’t remember if it was the day we played tennis or if it was a little after that) he had talked all day about how he wanted to say hello to my family. When we arrived at my house I got my family outside to meet Andrew. I remember they stood there in a horizontal line just staring at us. I remember Andrew saying hello and him and my dad chatting about building models, as it was one of Andrew’s hobbies. I remember Andrew sounded so calm and smart. I remember feeling so happy and nervous at the same time. I remember it as if it was yesterday. But that day, the day Andrew met my parents, was 3 years ago. And I remember it as if it had only just happened.

It was a monday and I was in Spanish class, my last class of the day. My Spanish teacher, Senora Gelinas, was handing back our sugar skulls we had decorated a few classes back. (I decorated one of mine as pennywise if you were wondering) I particularly remember thinking about Andrew a lot that day andI had really wanted to see him. As confident as I presented I was deeply insecure and I couldn’t get myself to directly ask to see if he wanted to hangout. However an Idea came to mind. I texted Andrew to see if he wanted me to drop off his sugar skulls to him. It was a genius idea. This way I could bike over to Andrew’s house and see him without coming across as creepy or needy. Even if I only saw him give him his sugar skulls, even if it was just for a moment, it would be enough. Anytime with Andrew meant the world to me. Because even this early on, I would rather have bits of him than none of him.

I remember lighting up when he texted me yes. I remember beaming as I told Senora Gelinas I would be taking Andew’s home to him. I then biked to his house and texted him when I got there.

“Hey.” I say as he walks out I then hand him his sugar skulls.

“Hey,” He says. “You didn’t do anything to them did you?”

“No, of course not.” I say. We then stood there for a second in silence before he said what I was too afraid to ask.

“Are you doing anything today?”

“No.” I answer maybe a little too quickly.

“Do you want to do something?”

“Yeah, sure.” I say trying my best to play it cool masking my excitement. I didn’t understand but the idea of Andrew wanting me made me feel like I had some purpose. A purpose I never felt I had before.

I waited as Andrew got his bike.

“Where to?” he asked as he pulled up next to me.

“Follow me.” I said. I lead the way to bliss park. I had hung out with one of my other friends, Audrey, there before. I recall it being very fun. I wanted that experience with Andrew. We parked our bikes outside the trail and I guided him into the woods. We wandered the area laughing and playing around. I then showed him to a swing that hung on a tree over the stream. We took turns pushing each other and talked. We talked about the kids at school. We talked about what we liked. We talked and talked and talked. After a while we decided to continue walking. We walked along the stream and down a steep hill, and Andrew laughed as I almost fell.

“I’m going to start calling you wobbly” He declares

“Well then I’m going to start calling you eggnog.” I add, that made him laugh harder.

“What’s that?” I say. A blue wrapper square of plastic catches my eye. Andrew grabs a long stick and hobbles over. He bends down and pokes the wrapper with the stick.

“It’s a condom wrapper.” He says. “Small”

“Is that yours?” I joke.

“What no!” he replies defensively. He stabs the condom wrapper with the stick. Thus creating what we then joked and called the “condom stick” I can’t remember how it even came to happen but Andrew wanted to know something from me . And when I refused Andrew began chasing me around with it as I screamed at him to back away as he threatened to touch me with it if I didn’t tell him. I can’t remember if I ever told him or not or what it was that he wanted to know. But that wouldn’t be the last time Andrew asked me for information I didn’t want to share. And it most certainly wouldn’t be the worst of his threats.

Andrew and I started hanging out a lot. As in almost every day a lot. We’d bike around and talk, explore the town, explore one another. I thought I was getting to know Andrew pretty well as we hung out more and more. But the more time I spent with him, the less and less time I spent with my other friends. I didn’t even know it at the time but I was losing them. But maybe I did know, and didn’t care. Because I truly believed what I had with Andrew troped everything else. I truly believed what I had with him was special. That he was special. And I even thought maybe just maybe, I was someone special to him as well.

Football. It would soon become Andrew’s favorite game to play with me. I remember the first time he took out the football. It was a small hand held football half yellow, half black, the foam was falling apart. I remember being confused and reluctant at first. But Andrew eventually persuaded me. I learned quickly he was really good at that.

One day after school Andrew decided he wanted to have a cooking day.

“I’m not really a cook.” I say trying to think of a way to get out of this.

“That’s fine.” Andrew says and proceeds to bike towards our local Big Y. Reluctantly I followed. I remember walking through the store trailing behind him as he went through the aisles. I remember Andrew informing me as we checked out how nice and expensive the meat was, then biked back to his house.

“Stay out here.” He tells me. He then enters his house and begins cooking. I remember waiting outside his house. I remember it so vividly. I remember watching the steam as it made its way out through the cracked windows. I remember pacing anxious around my bike, waiting. I remember being cold. It felt like forever had passed when Andrew finally came back out. He was dragging a long but narrow wooden table behind him.

“Here, we’ll set up a little social distance dinner.” He says. He goes back in and grabs chairs and napkins and sets up the table. I remember feeling cold as we ate our dinner but nothing anyone had ever done for me ever made me feel that warm inside. It was the nicest and most genuine thing anyone has ever done for me, even today.

Along with “football” Andrew also found pleasure in playing truth or dare. I agreed as I thought it would be a fun way to use up time. It was fun, harmless questions and dares. At first,Yet, like many other games Andrew liked to play, there were rules. I was only allowed three “passes”. So once those passes were used up, I had to do what was requested. Andrew had dared me to “lick the cafeteria desktop”

“At least 6 inches,” he said. I was out of “passes” though I felt very uncomfortable doing what he asked. I replied with “no”, nevertheless he still demanded I do so, as he reminded me I was out of passes. I was able to get away from his demand when the school bell rang signaling the end of lunch. I was saved then, saved by the bell. But there were no bells beyond the walls of school, only my voice, a voice that I wish was strong enough to use to dismiss the continuation of his pressure.

The first time I played “football” with Andrew it was fun, it was playful and silly. I didn’t think much of it. But playing “football” with Andrew became more and more frequent. And it wasn’t fun.

“We keep going into you ‘tap’ out, ok? Three taps.” Andrew stated

“Do we have to do this?”

“Come on, it's fun.”

I agreed. And looking back, I wish I didn’t. Because all of the sudden I found myself pressed against the ground, his body on mine. All of the sudden I felt punches. All of the sudden I found myself fighting him off of me. I was strong and I knew that. But he was taller and he was bigger and much stronger than I was. He knew all the right places too. He knew exactly where to put his elbow in my back to make me freeze uncomfortably. He knew exactly the move to flip me over onto the ground. I didn’t want him to think I was weak, so I rarely tapped out. So I would take it, I would take every hit, every kick. I remember feeling pain as his whole body weight would be on me. I remember feeling discomfort by his force. I remember feeling scared and vulnerable.

“Football” became a more frequent pastime. And the more we “played” the more force he used. I didn’t understand why he wanted to wrestle so much. I didn’t understand why he was so forceful. And I didn’t understand why he would never listen when I said no. Andrew wasn’t only aggressive in his actions but his words as well. He would constantly call me hurtful names. I tried to ignore it at first. But the more he called me stupid or unintelligent the more I believed it. But the most heart tearing words he had ever said to me happened on a bike ride. We had biked to the park to find a field to wrestle on. After he fought with me, he thought it would be a fun idea to rank girls, one including me.

“She’s like a nine.” Andrew states showing me a girl on his phone.

“She’s gorgeous but no one can get a ten.” I felt uncomfortable and uneasy. He even ranked my two best friends at the time.

“Audrey is like a 4.” He said, then proceeded to rank my other best friend, Julianna something really low like a 0.78. I didn’t get why he felt the need to rank girls. Nevertheless, tell me the scores. But the game changed when Andrew wanted to rank me.

“No. “ I said. “ Do not tell me my rank.”

“Common it’s not that bad.”

“Andrew no, I don't want to know.” We continued arguing back and forth for a while before he decided my “no” was not enough to stop him.
“You’re like a six. I’d give your personality an eight.” It felt like my heart had been torn out of my chest. And suddenly the world stopped spinning. All that breathed were the cruel words he had just spoken. He didn’t understand why I was upset. He told me I should be happy and that he was being nice. I learned that day, to him, I was just a number on a scale. I learned that day “no” wouldn’t always be enough for some people to stop. Not only did I go home with bruises on my body but with a feeling that would stick with me for a very long time. I remember biking home in shock. I was so hurt I didn’t even cry at first. I remember running in the house ignoring my mother and kneading straight to my room. I collapsed on the floor, my back against the wall and started sobbing. I knew it was getting bad. But honestly. I didn't know how to leave.

Andrew's demands became more frequent. I saw him pretty much everyday. I started losing track of everything, I started losing friends. I only ever saw him, one time when I made plans to hang out with one of my close friends, Audrey, I had been hanging out with Andrew before, I kept telling him I needed to go and the second I could get away I biked as fast as I could to get back home. I found Audrey waiting for me in my room. I felt terrible about it. Even though she forgave me , I felt awful, I felt upset. Upset that I let Andrew keep me from seeing my friends. I saw him so often that I started losing my other friends, and it wouldn’t be the only thing I would lose.

I tried distancing myself from him. I tried avoiding him in the hallways. But he’d find me. No matter how hard I tried to hide. He’d always seem to find me. I lied one time, I told Andrew I couldn’t hang out because I was busy and needed to clean my fish, Gabe’s tank. I did in fact need to clean my fish tank. But it really only took me 10 minutes. I don’t recall how Andrew found out I lied, but he did . As my “punishment” he took me into the forest and had to dig a deep hole, telling me it would build character. He then presumed to tell me his opinions on my looks and how my makeup was done poorly. I didn’t wear makeup after that. The feeling of confidence and bravery I once had around him soon drained.

One time he confessed he had tried to bike to the school to steal my bike and hide it. He loved to take. One time he took a piece from my bike so I couldn’t leave. Another time he took my phone and ran away with it to look at my grades. I had then gone to my mom in panic telling her to shut my phone down. But the worst thing he took was control. It was like I was a puppet to his master, he played with my feelings and forced me out of my house.

After a while I began to question if any of this even happened. I questioned if it was all in my head. But it wasn’t in my head it was real. Andrew was real. His manipulation into wrestling was real. His words were real. His strength was real. Sometimes while he fought with me he’d hold me in a choke. Part of me knew it was bad and wanted to leave, but another part of me knew how sweet he could be and I held on to those sweet moments. Hoping, praying, that would be enough for me to stay.

The more we hung out, the more we began to argue. Arguing became more frequent than fun. One time he had pressured me into wearing an outfit I didn’t feel confident in. I avoided him that day due to it. Which made him upset. One time

I had always struggled with mental health. Depression had been a constant battle my whole life. So throughout life I learned and developed ways to cope, some that would be considered “healthy” and those that would be named as “Unhealthy” Suicidal ideations being one of the unhealthy ones. Winter has always been a hard season for me, the dark, cold and my depression were not good matches. And on one particular night, when the pain seemed to be completely unbearable. I decided I was going to end my life. I sat crying in my room as the feelings consumed me. Even though I wanted to be dead, I wanted to say goodbye. But not to my family, or distant friends, I wanted to say goodbye to Andrew.

It’s funny because I don’t remember a lot of what happened next. I don’t remember picking up the phone and texting him, wanting to give up. And I don’t remember what he responded with. But what I do remember is him sending me a message reading “Look outside your window”. I remember looking out my window seeing him standing there in the cold with his bike waiting for me, saving me. He took me out and we went on a bike ride and he didn’t leave until he knew I would be safe. Maybe that was the reason I chose to stay. Maybe him showing up for me in the cold of winter warmed something in me. I couldn’t leave now. Not after he had biked to my house to save my life.

Andrew and I continued to hang out. We went sledding at the fancy country club golf course, watched a horror movie together, and worked on school projects with one another. He meant everything to me. And even though I knew it wasn't perfect, and even though he still continued to hurt and taunt me, I didn’t leave. He had become my whole world and I didn’t who I was without him. My parents had told me they didn’t like me hanging out with him, so I started lying, making up excuses to leave the house and see him. I started to believe I loved him.

The last time I ever saw Andrew, I didn’t know it would be the last. We were at a bridge in the park. And it was cold. I don’t know how it had gotten to the place it had got to but Andrew wanted secrets from me. And immediately my mind went to how I loved him. He had offered one of his in exchange for mine but I declined. But No wasn’t good enough for him, and it never was. He then started to threaten me.

“If you don’t tell me I’ll do something illegal.”,” If you don’t tell me I’ll hurt myself.” “If you don’t tell me I’ll hurt you.”

I thought it was bad, however I was holding on to every good memory, every good time. There were times when I did try to leave but somehow I was drawn back in, everytime, so I stayed. But at that moment I knew. I knew it was bad.

I did make it home that night and so did my secret. That secret remained mine, however I still wonder what he would have said in response. I can’t recall how I managed to escape his demands without compromising myself, but I made it home. And I never saw Andrew again.

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