Ending the War

Aspirations, goals, dreams. These are things that drive people. They invoke hope in peoples hearts. Everyone has desires and wishes. And by holding on to dreams and ideals of happy endings, people are able to fight battles and trials they never thought they could. They take steps forward until they attain the success they worked for. See, other people are offered growth and progress in return for tenacity. They gain pieces to the puzzle that gives them their purpose, and that paints their dreams into reality.

Me? I fight. I've fought.

I've taken on and faced battles, wars, that I knew I'd need help fighting. But despite my efforts to plead with others, or to express my fears and needs, I always end up facing the army of demons inside of me, all alone.

Over time I've learned alot. And one of the biggest things I've learned is that I will always face the monsters alone. Despite the promises of support or safety I've recieved from others, I always find myself standing alone when the war is at its worst. I had to start fighting when I was a child. I was terrified of the monsters. But I had dreams and goals to attain! I had the drive to escape the war, and to learn from my battle wounds. To prove the others wrong. I was determined to achieve happiness in so many ways.

I'm almost 30 now. I am battered, broken, and exhausted. Because I've been fighting the same monsters, the same demons, for nearly 3 decades now. During this war I've been distracted and deceived. I've tried claiming happiness that's been dangled in front of me, thinking that it would keep me motivated to keep fighting and chasing the dreams I've held close since I was small. The dreams I've violently battled for.

And that Ive lied to myself about.

But each time I think that the possession of happiness is mine, and I start to accept it as TRULY mine, I am stripped raw. I'm skinned of any shred of hope I'd fought for. Left to fight the war alone again, with nothing but my fists. And despite my efforts to defend myself, I am inevitably beaten to nothing each time; while trying to simultaneously mend the wound left by the happiness that was severed from my soul.

Me? I'm tired.

I'll mention again that I've been fighting these same demons my whole life; and I've done it by myself. But what's crazy to me, is that every time I'm ready to just let them consume what's left of my half dead corpse... the child within me is the one who stands back up. My inner child is the bravest part of me. Because she is driven with a desperate hope & desire. She possesses true innocence, which drives a naïve faith that things will someday get better. The reason I'm alive, is because I don't have the heart to break her spirit. Because, I cant bring myself to destroy the hope and purity that she holds.

How dare I even consider killing off her drive, her purpose, and her beautiful tenacity. She possesses a light that most people could never exude themselves. She is a fire that burns intensely, while also offering her light & warmth to other's who need it. She's a warrior without even realizing

it. She's hyper focused on her dreams of true happiness. And it's inspiring others.

However, her hope is only alive because of her innocent ignorance. Because she hasn't seen what happens next. She hasn't seen what darkness she has yet to face. What damage she will both receive, and deal out, under the pressure. She doesn't know that the voices get louder, or that the monsters get stronger. She doesn't know that the people she'll put her faith in will abandon her. That she'll be left to bleed by herself. She doesn't know that all those who she's shared her fire with, never had intentions of sharing back in return. That she will be used until she's no longer needed. That she'll be ignored when she begs for help. That she'll be fighting for her life until her soul gives out.

But worst of all, she doesn't know that she'll look in the mirror someday and realize; that the monster she feared the most, that she fought the hardest to kill, was herself.

And there's only one way to finally end The War.

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