Poetry Forum

charl_hotter - all messages by user

5/7/2010 6:51:19 AM
The Inner Spy	Underneath the watchful sky Lies the stealthy, fickle spy; Hidden eyes that we forget Setting in stone what we regret. Unravelling webs of our deciet, No secret can we truely keep. That little voice within your ear Makes consciousness a thing to fear. Unforgiving of hearts desires And never fooled by crafty liars; A witness to our deepest shame, Pointing out what's ours to blame. Underpinned by the pursuing lens; Inside and out, it never ends. And no respite can be found alone, Surveillance even invades our home. Unconscious devices shape our path, Yet we never have the final laugh. The joke's on us, but we're the last to see, That freedom really isn't for free. edited by charl_hotter on 5/10/2010
5/10/2010 2:48:19 AM
The Inner Spy	Thank you guys for all your comments, it's really good to get some feedback. I'm going to print off these comments and work on it while I'm on holiday. THANK YOU!!!!!
5/10/2010 3:04:12 AM
Static	Forever lost in space and time, These stagnant seconds are divine. With steady hand and shaky mind, Pursuing something we’ll never find. Drawn out hours that never cease, The mental crypt allows no release. Passing moments as best we can Devising yet another ill-thought plan. Time stands still for those who wait, Unable to face their looming fate. Escaping restrictions of endless rules, And brushing shoulders with mindless fools. Forever lost in space and time. Those static seconds were divine Forever wishing we could rewind Is the affliction of our kind.
5/10/2010 3:05:36 AM
Static	I've been really battling with the last 2 lines of the verse, so any comments on this especially would be gratefully received.
6/2/2010 3:15:32 AM
OBLIVION: Observations of Another World	An escape route out of life from the chaos which we started, Broken and fragmented where human order is retarded. Illusions and aspirations are all forgotten at her door, Say goodbye to reality – you won’t be seeing it anymore. Pondering in a limbo where the party never ends, Indulging with total strangers who soon become your friends. Vultures bearing smiles that only run skin deep, Creatures of the night that have no need for sleep. She’s feeble from exhaustion and ravaged by excess, Her minute is like an hour; one day becomes the next. Like a mobile fire hazard, except she doesn’t move And what’s so wrong with that if you’ve got nothing left lose? Her suspicious eyes are watchful beneath her glassy stare A necessary reflex considering the people that are there. A party full of sorrow with faces of broken dreams. Trying to hold it together, but bursting at the seams. Yet we all are drawn here and our reasons all the same; Knowing that the consequences are only ours to blame. The mask of normality have snapped their fragile strings And we bask in the oblivion that escapism brings.
6/3/2010 8:22:28 AM
OBLIVION: Observations of Another World	Thanks for those comments. Yes, I agree, it doesn't flow well. These lengthy sentences aren't quite right - though I think I just about get away with it in REFLECTIONS. I wrote these years ago, and have since changed my style considerably - I want to rework these old ones, and as ever, this is the best place to get advise on how to do so! Thanks!
6/3/2010 9:28:18 AM
Relationships	When I was 18 I had a relationship with a black guy 20 yrs older than me (I'm a white female). We were together for 7 yrs, and while it was unconventional, I learnt a whole lot from it. I got all sorts of stick about the age difference, but we met intelectuallty somewhere in the middle, so much so that I didn't notice there WAS an age difference Don't listen to what other people tell you, only you know what's going on in YOUR relationship. If he or I had listened to our friends at the time, we would have missed a beautiful thing.
6/4/2010 4:45:43 AM
Relationships	Frank - yes, though I don't deliberately go for older men... I'm quite mature for my age, so I've never had a boyfriend my age. My best friend is 25 yrs older than me as well...
6/9/2010 3:41:24 AM
Reflections	Staring at my reflection, but she will not look at me, Maybe she knows something that I’m too blind to see. That look of disappointment for the things I haven’t done, Bitter sweet resentment for what I’ve now become. She aspired to be better than what stares at her right now, A world of opportunity that this reflection won’t allow. The hopes and dreams she harboured, but now it’s all too late Now all her secret ambitions rest in the hands of fate. The never ending rat race seems to be just a silly game, Doing as everyone else, so that we all end up the same. Her naive ideas are empty because life has other plans Her fragile future is balanced in my weak and trembling hands. In a puff of smoke I abandon her ever scornful glare; The pressure of expectation is all too much to bear. Crawling along the bottom where judgment is reserved Reality is but an illusion, so sit back and observe. She warned me of the dangers this road would lead me to Avoiding life itself would surely never see me through. The prospects slowly dwindle like the fickle hands of time The burdening responsibility I never wanted to be mine. A conflicted soul is torn by the things it cannot see, Jekyll and Hyde rage on down in the darkest part of me. Assessing two perspectives that merge themselves as one Now I’m left here wondering which soul I have become. Trying to see my reflection, but finding nothing there Maybe she’s given up and found her ‘self’ elsewhere. That gentle part of me has finally given up the ghost And now I’m stuck with me, the one that I fear most. edited by charl_hotter on 6/9/2010
6/9/2010 9:35:14 AM
Reflections	Hi - yes I agree with what you're saying - it needs more subtlety. These are quite old poems and I've been wanting advise on how to re-work them, and of course, this is a great place to start. Cutting down the length of the lines is my first point of call. Any more advise you can give would be gratefully recieved, and thank you for taking the time to say what you have. Charlotte
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