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Forum Home » High Critique » Be brutal...The hypocracy that is me

For poets who want unrestricted constructive criticism. This is NOT a vanity workshop. If you do not want your poem seriously critiqued, do not post here. Constructive criticism only. PLEASE Only Post One Poem a Day!!!
2/7/2012 3:38:41 PM

James Mahauariki
Posts: 1
fierce, furious, rageful,
passive, meek and mild.
infuriated, vicious,
gentle like a child.

irrationally enraged
patient, quiet and calm.
murderously violent,
kind with open arms.

a rabid livid maniac
affectionate and sweet
desperate and demented
benevolent up beat

awful, brutal, bloodthirsty
thoughtful and generous
relentless savage wild
humane fun boisterous

Nasty evil horrid
courteous and cavalier
vile Disgusting mean
attentive debonair

insane trapped forgotten
gallant noble free
some of the words that best describe
the hypocrisy that's me

James Thomas Mahauariki
Copyright © 2010
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2/7/2012 6:15:47 PM

Alex Bruinekool
Posts: 1
A poem of this sort works better in iambic pentameter. This from just doesn't work with the wording. Also, if you're going to use adjective after adjective, make the poem shorter. I found myself wanting to skip to the end to see if there's any real point to it all. Unnecessary words can kill a piece as easily as anything.
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