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Forum Home » High Critique » Really looking for critque!! A Thousand Eyes

For poets who want unrestricted constructive criticism. This is NOT a vanity workshop. If you do not want your poem seriously critiqued, do not post here. Constructive criticism only. PLEASE Only Post One Poem a Day!!!
1/23/2012 2:11:12 AM

Lucas Williams
Posts: 10
Evisceration along differential paths, a looming totality unveils ion disarray.

Dreamt skyscapes catalyze a euphoric ideal, bearing a veil over insidious virtues.

Haunting deprivation lacerates preconceived perceptions, undermining isolation in clarity.

Existence in solitude provides opportunity for periphery obliteration, only with the omnipresent perception of a thousand eyes.
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1/30/2012 2:58:30 AM

Darryl Davis
Posts: 4
My very first impression after reading this three times aloud is that I haven't the slightest clue as to what is about or aiming to do. There are no points of reference for the reader to judge where they are or even to access the interior of the poem. Much like an inside joke overheard by a stranger on a train, it left me feeling confused and - worse - excluded.
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2/2/2012 7:27:15 AM

ashlee laforce
Posts: 4
when it comes to you
i'm in a tizzy
my heart soars when you hold me
in your arms and tell me you love me
to the moon and back
but when i'm not with you
the doubts creep in
do you you really love me?
why would you love someone like me?
when it comes to you
i'm in a tizzy
i lve you more than life its self
and hate it when your not around
when i said i just wanted to be friends
i broke two hearts with those
stupid simple words yours and mine
when it comes to you
i'm in a tizzy.
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2/6/2012 6:04:07 AM

Karen Deeks
Posts: 2
Lovely sentiments and ideas, it's a shame about lve (typo)
Not sure if (in your arms) is needed, it is good poetically but dis-joints that and the next two ( to me)
My only other opinion is that there are so many expressions for love (it's a shame you didn't use some of the others) as over use dilutes it's meaning and poignancy. I am no expert but you asked for critical reviews (I truly hope this helps)
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2/17/2012 9:03:33 PM

Taylor Kristine
Posts: 2
Well lets see...I write love poems that is the only thing that I ca seem to write but when I do I write it so that there is a little bounce to it and you can feel exactly what it is that I'm feeling. Try reading my love poems and don't try to copy it, that's totally not what I'm saying but just see it from that perspective. Reading other's poems makes your poetry a little better because you either see what it is that they are doing right and what they are doing wrong. It definitely has potential but it needs a little work in your wording and the rhythm.
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5/10/2012 8:28:00 AM

Nathan D.
Posts: 7
too many big words slow down the world is not yet populated by all nerds you need to create a connection with your reader and thats just not going to do it
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5/28/2012 2:18:26 PM

Lorraine Ferns
Posts: 5
Hi Lucas, have you tried making it a little simpler; some of the words I don't understand, and writing is about communication. I was told in a class once less is more. I hope that helps.
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