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2/7/2021 6:25:13 AM Blameless Vestal Posts: 4	Hello all, I am relatively new to this site, though would like to jump in at the deep end with the constructive criticism, let me know what you think! This is a surrealist-imagist poem I wrote in two separate parts a while ago, but have reworked and edited into what I think is a good final outcome, capturing the theme of psychedelic confusion I aim to portray. Do your worst! Babyliss in Acid You are a hole in my head; when I look inside, I see a dentist's drill grinding sweetly against my hippocampus and it must have hit a tear duct by accident because when I wake, it has been raining. I douse myself in Argan oil and set myself on fire with my hair straightener (12) ordinal, interval. I have not slept — That night (13) I dream of, at last! A letter from you. But when I wake I do not check the post; I turn on the oven, and logic eats the half-consciousness of your handwriting (14?) I wake from a reverie; it is babyhood and it is morning and I sweat under the covers, learning everything in five minutes; Orlando, Leon, Halleluiah and people looking like other people (a man that used to be handsome); In the bloodshot of a red-eyed pensioner he dragged me from sleep in upside- down buses and the screaming blue walls of the DVLA office; I fall cyclical into double brackets as I am (15) reaching out for a glass of water and I am forever brushing my hair in the face of death. I sit down in the shower and wonder if it will get infected edited by blamelessvestal on 2/7/2021 edited by blamelessvestal on 2/7/2021
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3/20/2021 11:47:06 PM Yonathan Asefaw Posts: 9	Really good! I like the cadence of the piece and the way you used words like Hippocampus. I don't really see anything wrong with it, who is Orlando, Leon, and Halleluiah?
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4/23/2021 4:38:53 PM Jack Webster Posts: 255	Food for thought Stylistically, i think the poem would have a stronger voice if it were narrating to the reader, treating the poem as a moment of conversational intimacy with the reader. At a meta level, there are really only two people present during the poem: the author/persona, and the reader. When second person is used in a poem, and it is not referring to the reader, the conversational intimacy between the author and reader evaporates and renders the reader a voyeur looking in on a piece of writing written for someone else; the reader becomes a third wheel to the author/ persona and the “you” they are addressing. An exception to this is when “you” is being used in a general way that is stating some sort of truism that includes the reader. Just as a convention, the reader should always feel comfortable presuming the “you” in the poem refers to them. In terms of mechanics hanging “you” to “he”, “she”, etc... in the first line establishes immediately to the reader the universal theme being addressed is in the context of an interpersonal relationship. Beginning with the word “you” leaves the reader trying to figure out if the author is really addressing the reader or if it is going to be a voyeuristic poem — it takes the reader a few lines to find their seat while the poem is already rolling. Using third person allows the reader to find their seat immediately and give their undivided attention to the narrative the persona is relating to them. I think the images wander away from their images to much, or present the images in a way that is more abstract than concrete (even for a surrealist poem). Let’s take the second stanza as an example; the image is hair being set on fire by the straightener. The first line of the stanza should have an expository quality for the new image (also, it is confusing to use the word douse, or perhaps too early to use the word douse. Douse can be used to describe soaking something, but it also means putting something out, and the fire hasnt started yet. I would suggest sticking with soak, as it is more direct in action and avoids mixed messages in terms of creating the psychic space of the stanza). The first line might be rewritten as: I soak my hair in Argan oil and set myself on fire... The reader probably won’t know what Argan oil is, but in the back of their mind the fact that oil is flammable will be there, and soaking the hair with oil doesn’t serve a practical purpose, and soaking things with flammable substances does have a different kind of purpose, so it creates a subtle tension that sets up the second line. In addition to the word douse being associated with stopping or preventing fires, in terms of toiletry and hygiene, dousing oneself with a liquid usually refers to a small quantity of something, a little too much perfume, aftershave, etc... Soaking conveys a larger quantity of oil, a dangerous quantity of oil. Would respond more, but gotta run. Good luck!
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