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Forum Home » Be Gentle » Poppy's Moon - Please critique

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1/27/2020 12:47:35 PM

Randal Newsom
Posts: 4
Poppy's moon




Every so often the world weighs me down

And I'll get a message from those not around.

Some call them signs, others say spirit.

Most can be seen, sometimes you hear it.




Like coyotes yipping on a cold starry night

Or that mad little cardinal picking a fight

With the reflection it sees in an old broken mirror.

They're telling me things that cannot be clearer.




There's one that stands out, no real surprise.

When the sun's going down, its starts to rise

Low in the East then moves up above,

It's got many names, but there's one that I love.




Flower and Harvest, Wolf or just Full,

I call it Poppy's; it's bold as a bull.

It comes from a man, his daughter's my wife

And he's making sure we appreciate life.




He's telling my children he'll always be here.

He can light up the night, there's nothing to fear.




He's telling my wife there's no need to cry.

He knows when she needs him, he'll shine in the sky.




Last, he tells me, boy shake off your gloom.

Be there for your family, just like the Moon.
edited by RBNEUS on 1/28/2020
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1/27/2020 2:12:54 PM

Jack Webster
Posts: 248
Excellent way to approach grief without being cloying or maudlin. Very well done. Good attention to meter.

Take more time to explore punctuation. I would put a period after mirror.
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1/28/2020 8:29:27 AM

Randal Newsom
Posts: 4
Thank you for the review. Much appreciated.
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2/5/2020 3:31:21 PM

Nancy Kaufman
Posts: 2
great imagery..

--
Nancy Kaufman
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9/19/2021 10:15:28 PM

Twelve Twelve
Posts: 9
I like this a lot. It's not depressing, but a comfort for those who have lost.



On this line: "Some call them signs, others say spirit", you move from plural to singular. I might have made it 'spirits' instead. Minor. Style choice.




Really liked the approach. Nicely done.
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10/10/2021 10:08:28 AM

Anna Brown
Posts: 2
beautiful i love it.
edited by thegodfatherowl on 10/10/2021
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