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10/18/2019 2:08:23 AM
Bello Zakariyau Posts: 6
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The rays leave stars in my sight
I had slept with the moon
What took in was the night
6 and a quarter miles away from the noon
It gave birth to light
In its embracing rays
The sun drapes the earth
Oh! The romance ended too soon
As I wake up in despair
Of my illicit affairs
The rooster had laid bare the fruits
To the eagerly prude eyes.
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10/18/2019 10:25:03 PM
Jack Webster Posts: 255
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The length of phrasing is good. Line 4 is very confusing.
It is not clear to me if you’re describing sunset, sunrise, or passing from sunset through the night to sunrise.
It is not clear what sleeping with the moon signifies; is the moon a metaphor for the person the illicit affair happened with or is it a metaphor for loneliness - and if it is loneliness, how can there be an illicit affair.
The voice of the work is pleasant and enjoyable, but I would focus on clarity a bit more.
Good luck
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10/19/2019 12:18:40 AM
Bello Zakariyau Posts: 6
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Line 4 is describing the time of sunrise. Simply count 6 and a quarter hours from the noon (didn't want to make it obvious hence, the use of 'miles').
Lines 2,3,4 are describing the moment of sleep, growth of night and time of sunrise. The 'illicit affairs' in this poem means laziness which is perceived as a wrong act.
The poem attempts to describe the struggle to get out of bed.
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