Poetry Forum

Forum Home » High Critique » The sun drapes the earth.

For poets who want unrestricted constructive criticism. This is NOT a vanity workshop. If you do not want your poem seriously critiqued, do not post here. Constructive criticism only. PLEASE Only Post One Poem a Day!!!

10/18/2019 2:08:23 AM Bello Zakariyau Posts: 6	The rays leave stars in my sight I had slept with the moon What took in was the night 6 and a quarter miles away from the noon It gave birth to light In its embracing rays The sun drapes the earth Oh! The romance ended too soon As I wake up in despair Of my illicit affairs The rooster had laid bare the fruits To the eagerly prude eyes.
	• permalink • reply with quote
10/18/2019 10:25:03 PM Jack Webster Posts: 255	The length of phrasing is good. Line 4 is very confusing. It is not clear to me if you’re describing sunset, sunrise, or passing from sunset through the night to sunrise. It is not clear what sleeping with the moon signifies; is the moon a metaphor for the person the illicit affair happened with or is it a metaphor for loneliness - and if it is loneliness, how can there be an illicit affair. The voice of the work is pleasant and enjoyable, but I would focus on clarity a bit more. Good luck
	• permalink • reply with quote
10/19/2019 12:18:40 AM Bello Zakariyau Posts: 6	Line 4 is describing the time of sunrise. Simply count 6 and a quarter hours from the noon (didn't want to make it obvious hence, the use of 'miles'). Lines 2,3,4 are describing the moment of sleep, growth of night and time of sunrise. The 'illicit affairs' in this poem means laziness which is perceived as a wrong act. The poem attempts to describe the struggle to get out of bed.
	• permalink • reply with quote