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2/23/2019 1:08:54 PM Mya Robinson Posts: 2	To the Danse Macabre It’s closing in, The harmonic melody, It’s tone deliberately grim. As a one-time melody, it is heard by all. A familiar, yet unfamiliar ring. For the majority - its tune is distance. But like all those before, I can hear it- I can hear it deep within. It’s seduction. Always terribly well-advantaged, Overpowering, Never once balancing. From a figure showing us from within, itgives a gesture done to many before myself, Void of rush, It’s time for our dance. A figure showing us from within. But what’s keeping my arm dangling at myside? Something foreign- It is something I am unable to recognize. Limbs void of any flesh, it coaxes withits twists and turns Its movements are calculated, It leaves one to feel left out. Not special but eternal, Our well-worn dance. But unlike it’s “ending”, it is mine instead. edited by Jnpx on 2/23/2019
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2/23/2019 5:59:03 PM Jack Webster Posts: 255	I think it is a very difficult poem to enter. The theme seems to be mortality. I think this good. A really solid formula for many poems is to choose two from Life, Love, Death, then describe some sort of yearning or enjoyment that shows the two existing concurrently, either in contrast with each other or as a form of ambivalence or in unison with each other as some sort of revelation or joy of unity. it doesn't have to be larger than life always. finding the extraordinary in the ordinary is another powerful thing. the voice of the persona is very journalistic, which I find appealing as a solid foundation, a good skeleton. the poem references multiple senses, such and sound and kinesthetic. However, I think they would be stronger with more concrete descriptions. For example, in stanza 1 you mention harmonics, but choosing something specific like an organ (perhaps too cliche), or whale song floating through the deep, or church bells, or windchimes, perhaps the ring of a mason's hammer striking an iron chisel as he carves a mausoleum or headstone, etc... flesh out the stanza a bit and give you more details and dimensions to capture mood or imply emotion and personality of the persona. The first line is a little awkward because the title is about dance and the first stanza is about sound. it's not entirely clear if the It that is closing in is the dance, the sound, or Death itself. In the end they might all be the same thing, but i think in the beginning at least the reader needs to know what they are experiencing. There is also a bit of a contradiction between the description of a harmony in the first stanza and the ring in the second stanza. A ring seems to be like a single sound, but a harmony is many sounds. perhaps there are a variety of unexpected sounds related to the theme that form a larger than life harmony, though they are not actually present with each other: the sound of a screeching train, the ring of the mason's mallet, the chime of a clock, windchimes hanging lifeless in the wind, the sound of silence within... you have the opportunity to create an orchestra of sounds if you wish. if you are careful to let them speak with themselves, or describe artfully, they will establish a collective power that each does not have on its own. a skeleton of sounds. i think using a collective of sounds will easily let you transition between the external sounds that represent the larger than life universal mortality, and the inner sounds that represent personal mortality of the persona. If you are speaking about both universal and individual mortality, clarity will necessary so we know when we are focusing in from the big picture. Describing mortality as seductive is a great way to get at the persona's relationship with mortality without being maudlin. I think referring to bones as limbs without any flesh is unnecessary. If you combine the line about seduction with a simplified version of the limbs without flesh stanza, it could come to life a bit: Bones coax, twists and turns, calculated movements, their seduction overpowering, gestures given to many before myself. It is time for our dance. But what is keeping my arm dangling by my side... This may not be in keeping with your style, but I think it demonstrates clarity, perhaps. it focuses on the image of a dancing skeleton, that the dance is an invitation, and condenses the details close together, and immediately juxtaposes the moment of invitation with the moment of hesitation: which illustrates life and death and the ambivalence of feeling death's invitation, but secretly yearning for life, which may be the strongest poetic element of the theme, that yearning for life is so deep an instinct it is beyond the conscious control of the persona. the yearning for life is its own entity, its own power, not just equal to Death, but greater than it, even without lifting a finger. it is stillness (when called to death) conquering stillness. it seems the dance is the stillness of the persona as mortality circles it and tempts. all in all i think you have a strong start. focus on clarity (clear images) and specific sensory details. Well done. Keep going. ;
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