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Forum Home » Be Gentle » You are a beautiful song that rings in my heart

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2/5/2019 10:18:01 AM

Kiran Nivedh Sarguneswaran
Posts: 4
You are a beautiful song that rings in my heart

You are the beautiful buzz that taps my chest




My whole evening sky with the muse of hue dusk

Only you and me in this world's musk




You are my happiness my eyes search for

You are the shadow of my soul




When we clasp our hands

Little madness starts to play

Our love floats in the air

Isn't this a lovely poem?
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2/10/2019 5:33:01 AM

Jack Webster
Posts: 119
I would take out the last line.




consider rewriting as a ghazal. The refrain would be: our love floats in the air - or - only you and me in this world's musk - or - you are my evening sky, my muse of the dusk.




Read Rumi for inspiration.





Good start. Keep going! Please post your second draft. I'd love to read this as a ghazal.
edited by superlativedeleted on 2/10/2019
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2/11/2019 8:01:43 AM

Kiran Nivedh Sarguneswaran
Posts: 4
Thanks for your valuable comments
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2/11/2019 8:11:30 AM

Kiran Nivedh Sarguneswaran
Posts: 4
You are a beautiful song that rings in my heart
You are the beautiful buzz that taps my chest


My whole evening sky with you, my muse of the dusk!
Only you and me in this world's musk


You are my happiness my eyes search for
You are the shadow of my soul

When we clasp our hands
Little madness starts to play


Our love floats in the air
Showing Aurora of us everywhere


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