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12/30/2018 11:29:01 AM Bob Atkinson Posts: 294	Dreams - by - BobAtkinson block the sun with hand held high as you move from place to place shunning all forms of irritation with style and practiced grace call those simple pleasures ones we seek so many of strip those dark incantations down to the barest love sweat pours from a body from feelings held to chest our needs reduced to simple forms our loudest protests held with breath tell me if I'm overdone am I so outof place as to dream some dreams of glory impossible in these days of strong duress I pass the tree of wonder growing from the salted ground as we discover growth comes fast when life forms here in the round tell me if I'm never to see dreams come under light those perturbed by simple pleasures strength of will thought out by night send me through that maze complex of interactions with the crowd and let me form my own opinions some fruitful, some unsound
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12/31/2018 10:27:50 AM Jack Webster Posts: 255	very spare on imagery. the mood seems to be restrained/ quiet resignation, desolation. The volume is so low, it's difficult to catch quite. Passing through a maze of strangers is a very powerful concept that I think you should develop more. I wasn't familiar with the practice of salting ground, but after having looked it up, mentioning it merely in passing doesn't quite capture the intent and scope of such an act. It seems to be the old world equivalent of dropping an atom bomb on local flora and fauna. The image of the tree of wonder growing from salted ground has power, but its power relies directly upon the reader's comprehension of the poetic significance of salted ground, not merely the science of the attack, but the emotional and social poetic content of who would do such a thing to someone and why, a sadistic and dominating contempt or self righteousness. The power of the tree is its rebuttle to the poetic content of salting the ground, but you have ommitted it. I think it would be stronger if you expanded this section. the use if second person in the first stanza is inconsistent with tge rest of the poem
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1/6/2019 4:38:01 PM Bob Atkinson Posts: 294	Jack, Please don't put form over function. Bob
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2/1/2019 3:43:48 AM Jack Webster Posts: 255	huh. well, I commented on the content and suggested ways to make stronger the parts i found most powerful. I didn't really address form. I'm not a big fan of the rhyme scheme you've selected. there is no function without proper form. you might want to explore free verse to better express the mood?
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3/7/2019 12:51:52 AM Bob Atkinson Posts: 294	superlativedeleted wrote: I didn't really address form. I find form to be irrelevant. It's feeling that counts. My personal definition of poetry: "Poetry, the Emotional Content of Literature" precludes any concern about form. I write them, good or bad they go on my web site if they get the point across I'm trying to make. Start with an idea/concept, explore the idea, and include links for further reading on the subject. Simple format that works for me. Some good, some bad, some in between. To revise a poem uses up time and energy that one could use to write another poem.
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3/7/2019 2:46:15 PM Jack Webster Posts: 255	cool. sounds like critiquing is irrelevant. carry on.
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