Poetry Forum

Forum Home » High Critique » Please Critique

For poets who want unrestricted constructive criticism. This is NOT a vanity workshop. If you do not want your poem seriously critiqued, do not post here. Constructive criticism only. PLEASE Only Post One Poem a Day!!!

12/2/2018 8:08:10 PM Desperado Stomped Posts: 1	Blocked Number Should I call, or should I leavea message? It’s been years, we werelove-seeking adolescents. Such a short-lived life betweenus, Broken, separated, case closed,trailed against, reasons superfluous. If you answer, do you ever expectit was me calling? Would we recognize our voices?Will I choke in tears and apologize for misdialing? "I'm sorry" I hopethat's what you want to hear. "I miss you", you haveno idea, how much I yearned for you after you disappeared. I wish I can tell you that itdidn't hurt when we parted our ways. But to tell you the truth, sincethen, every day has been a stormy day. I'm sorry I didn't mean to callyou but I had to. I couldn't live withoutconfessing to you. Forgive me, I know you're withHim. shh please listen, I've lost you,for being that stupid. Not one day goes unscarredwithout your essence fogging up my mind. Irreplaceable, yes. Morbidlymissed. Obsessed, the sickening kind. What life could’ve been with you,just answer me. Do you wish the same? Or are yougoing to sit there silently? Let me go on, your love was atreasure I stole and sold. Had I known, I had damaged you,your heart, your world, my world. I'm sorry, you don't need to sayanything, live your life, and I’ll let you be. But before I let you go, onceagain. Confess to me, do you still love me?
	• permalink • reply with quote
12/3/2018 2:27:03 AM Jack Webster Posts: 255	the emotional themes of your work seem to be grief, yearning, nostalgia, angst, anxiety. the poetic insight/ contemplation seems to be the revelation of interdependent existence: harming your world harms my world (which could be elevated to a universal theme). One of the strong impressions I get from the work is that you've written it for yourself, sort of writing down an imaginary conversation you're having in your head. One of the most seductive qualities a poem can posses is the reader feeling that the author is aware of their presence and is speaking to them, or at least if not speaking to them has created something for them to experience. When an author writes a poem essentially talking to themselves, or someone other than the reader, a lot of the magic of poetry itself is lost (in my opinion). (How fun would a rollercoaster be if it was built only for the girlfriend of the CEO to ride? I guess the crowd could stand around it and think pleasent well wishes to the CEO and his girlfriend, but no one is going to be raising their hands as they go over a hill, or yelling as they feel their stomach float on the drop.) This a very common critique I make; it is not something unique to your poem. Personally, I'm (usually) a big fan of imagism, using images and concrete details to tell the story or to convey a deeper level of emotion. But, that's a personal preference. I would like to encourage you to explore use of imagery in your poem. There is a device in poetry called 'the Proustian Moment,' The author writes in first person. The poem begins in the present, describing going about a daily activity, observing details in the environment. Suddey the speaker stumbles upon a small detail, inconsequential to anyone else, and the author begins remembering a moment from the past, in lush, rich detail, perhaps a scene of happiness. Then the speaker returns to the present moment. One can either emphasize the absence of the thing/ person remembered, or one can express the spark of life has been restored through the remembrance, or some other dynamic, but the point is that the rememberance impacts being in the present somehow, the past and present do not exist apart from each other, which touches nicely your poetic thought that your world and the world of the lost one are connected. Perhaps the speaker discovers their worlds are still connected, that she is still alive, a part of him/her because the past is a living thing, not a dead thing and the speaker is freed of his/her madness; or, perhaps the remembrance only deepens the madness and angst of the present. I think you should play with your poem like this. Even though you will be writing in first person, write as if the only person that will ever hear it is the reader, and you don't know who that person is. When you refer to the lost love, use third person pronouns she/he etc... hope some of my suggestions are helpful. thank you for letting us read your poem.
	• permalink • reply with quote