Poetry Forum
For poets who want unrestricted constructive criticism. This is NOT a vanity workshop. If you do not want your poem seriously critiqued, do not post here. Constructive criticism only. PLEASE Only Post One Poem a Day!!!
10/19/2018 9:22:30 AM
Jordan Marks
Posts: 1
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I cannot bear to entertain
Thoughts veiled in white, wearing a train
Trimmed in lace and love-adorned
Pretty, pristine, and so I scorn
Thoughts that flicker, quenched again
By the eternal chill within the space
Between, and washes clean the slate;
Bringing at last to a hush, and nearly too late,
A voice to which we all incline
Our seldom happy hearts and ever mournful minds
Which spreads sinful seeds upon withering winds that sear
And birth a most powerful emotion- fear.
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10/24/2018 7:32:34 PM
Frank Frank
Posts: 15
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"I cannot bear to entertain / Thoughts veiled in white, wearing a train / Trimmed in lace" - I like the image of thoughts being like a bridal gown, but after this you lose me.
Maybe write out in a couple declarative sentences what you're trying to say, then rewrite them as lines of poetry. Be sure to ask yourself: will the reader understand this poem the way they would understand the declarative sentences? The reader can't read your mind, only the words you write. You don't have to say everything directly, but you do need to say it in a way that allows the reader to figure it out.
Vocab problem: "chill" does not "quench" anything (water quenches thirst, etc.)
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