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10/15/2018 5:03:31 AM Cynthia Panakkal Posts: 2	Dust and Heavy Stone For dust youare and to dust you will return I Gold-platedwooden overcoats house the mighty dead Enveloped with preciousstone and Heavens pavements Their unwavering,towering triangles of sand, boasting a life of desire, recognition, admiration Hiding a lifeof exploitation and fear The fear ofnormalcy Ending, with thedoubtless thought of everlasting sovereignty Seeming to fillup a gaping crevice Only to find itsnatched away, rupturing the rift further into the desolate depth of distress In death, itwill all be whisked away, life’s meaning will decay and the straw that remainswill be nothing but dust Heads of theyouth full with dust Desiring whatis wanted, not needed, ignorant of the needy and meek seeking for their DailyBread Times of metalbirds and horses do not change past convictions, otherwise it would be told asstories of old Whispers andsighs of what once was… II The world is theirhouse, not a home A land, flowing with milk and honey… A promise, a distantdream, a resting place A land The Saved alwayssearching, scavenging for satisfaction through endless days Finding nothingin the harsh bellows of the wind, braving a sun so relentless Fearingtomorrow A stone hit forthe crying children Flowing Still notenough to satisfy their thirst for safety and security An empty houseand black words on flimsy paper, prolonging their need for food with happy andsharp friends Minds andbodies that rot Their onlyplace of security A land III Heavy stonecarrying seeds finds the gaping crevice, planting its feet firmly into the desolatedepth Overflowing Straw crushedand turned to dust Seeds plantedand overflowing the crevice The thirsty,hydrated, the hungry, full Milk andHoney Need for theirDaily Bread, satisfied IV Grime coated woodenover-coats house the weak dead Enveloped withunseen glory Their moving,sunken graves of stone, boasting of a life of hardship, deprivation and need Uncovering alife of desire and admiration Desiring theneeded, not wanted Leaving behindthe straw and dust of their previous lives Aware of theempty sovereigns seeking for straw but braving the now green and lush forest,accepting their Daily bread
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10/24/2018 8:08:35 PM Frank Frank Posts: 15	Let's just start with the first two lines: "Gold-plated wooden overcoats house the mighty dead / Enveloped with precious stone and Heavens pavements" Okay, image of gilded wooden coffins, what we call caskets - not too bad. What if you used "overcoat" as a verb and dropped "house"? "Gold-plated wood overcoats the mighty dead"? "Enveloped": how are the caskets enveloped? by earth, but precious stones - don't get that at all. And "Heavens pavements": maybe referring to headstones? Should probably be "Heaven's pavement" - I don't know what "pavements" plural means. The rest of part I just loses me. What are you trying to say? Not aided by the missing spaces between some words. Maybe you could edit and fix that. Parts II and III seem to shift away from the tone of part I - but to what, I don't know. Seems kind of jumbled and nonsensical in places. "A stone hit for the crying children": what does that mean?
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12/2/2018 1:30:44 AM Jack Webster Posts: 255	I think the poem would be stronger if it were simplified. Especially when attempting something on an epic scale speaking plainly, with organized thought and image is especially critical, so the reader is not drowned in the sand at the bottom of eternity's hourglass. Section 1 The first section is describing the privilage, conceit, predatory nature of the pharohs of old Egypt, in biblical times. Their desire to keep their wealth and power even in death is contrasted with the author's vision of mortality, the view that death strips us of all our worldly wealth and power. The first section transitions to a contemporary timeframe and speaks about the youth. My opinion is that each of these need to be individual stanzas in section 1. (first stanza) S.i: Pharohs (second stanza) S.ii: Death (you must treat Death as its own Power, not merely mention it in passing) (third stanza) S.iii: contemporary youth. There is a hidden metaphor you should consider. Part of the mummification process is removing the brain of the pharoh so it does not rot and spoil the corpse. (if i remember correctly) A hot iron poker was forced through the nose of the corpse and swirled to sizzle and liquify the brain, which was drained out of the nose of the corpse. I would focus on this aspect of the death ritual in S.i when you are talking about the phraohs, THEN this sets up a metaphor in S.iii when you speak about the youth. You could quip something like: thoughtfulness drained from their upturned noses, their heads as empty as pharohs buried in gold. Keep the set up simple and plain spoken, and rely on metaphors, and comparing and contrasting the images to provide the complexity. Section 2 The second section is confusing because "they" is not clear. The last people to be spoken of in the poem is the youth, yet second 2 seems to be talking about the have nots that get overlooked. Section 2 needs clarity. Section 3 The Third section is also unclear. It seems to be a continuation of the second section. It seems to be describing the after work of a harvest, replanting, milling flour, crushing the straw to make bricks? The third section also needs clarity. Section 4 The fourth section smartly works to bookend the poem by returning to the original image and re-exploring it in a new light now the theme has been expounded upon. The fourth se tion also needs clarity, but perhaps only because sections 2 and 3 are unclear. The poem plays with the distinction between need and want, some pursuimg what they want but do not need and others pursuing what they need, either because they are not in a,position to pursue their wants, or because they are content with their needs. The poem seems to be illustrating how the haves think they have it all, and make others miserable getting what they want, but leave life empty handed, whereas the have nots have the opportunity to be content and untempted and find a sustaince in their faith, that they leave this life full of something that Death cannot take from them. I think it's an earnest beginning. I would continue hammering out the details. Resist the urge to rely on maxims instead of imagery, metaphor, and contrasting and comparing the images. Let the images speak for themselves. good luck!
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12/2/2018 1:34:22 AM Jack Webster Posts: 255	specifically you need to clarify the stone. you mention it several times. if it is a millstone, you need to say so plainly. A stone is a heavy burden, but a millstone let's one make flour, make bread, etc... A millstone is a burden worth having. if it is a millstone, that makes its symbolic nature just as significant as death, phraoh, the youth, daily bread, etc... if it is a millstone it should be treated as its own Power. edited by superlativedeleted on 12/2/2018
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