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6/25/2018 9:06:09 AM
Wendy Nipas
Posts: 38
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As the bindings of morality
Become looser everyday
Every adult, every youngster
Is seduced to have his way
Inhibitions once had merits
The lack of them was to one’s cost
But the change of times now teaches
That those virtues are best lost
As we watch how mores and cultures
Overwhelmingly decline
One should actually start to wonder
’How has this affected mine?’
For a human without culture
Without values,without belief
Keeps on living with abandon
All he’ll reap is woe and grief
Though the harvest of this fruitage
Give good reason to repent
Still a virtuous opinion
Will most certainly offend
For all evil now gives pleasure
Who would dare to make it stop?
We’re like greedy children sucking
On a poisoned lollipop
And the damage is so obvious
But we cowardly ignore
For we revel in excesses
And we keep on craving more.
edited by wendyme on 6/25/2018
edited by wendyme on 6/25/2018
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7/30/2018 11:01:36 AM
J P Marmaro
Posts: 9
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An excellent poem: I too have bewailed the prevalence of decadence, depravity, egoistic selfishness, and crass pursuit of pleasure -- to the exclusion of all else-- which seems to be rampant nowadays.
A few minor technical notes: I think the poem would benefit from some more judicious punctuation; something like:
As the bindings of morality
Become looser every day, [not "everyday" which is an adjective]
Every adult, every youngster
Is seduced to have his way.
Inhibitions once had merits:
The lack of them was to one’s cost.
But the change of times now teaches
That those virtues are best lost. ("Best lost"? Perhaps something like "may be tossed" would say it more clearly...)
As we watch how mores and cultures
Overwhelmingly decline,
One should actually start to wonder:
’How has this affected mine?’
For a human without culture,
Without values, without belief,
Keeps on living with abandon--
All he’ll reap is woe and grief.
Though the harvest of this fruitage
Gives good reason to repent,
Still a virtuous opinion
Will most certainly offend. [Repent/offend: not a very acceptable "rhyme", I fear...)
For all evil now gives pleasure--
Who would dare to make it stop?
We're like greedy children sucking
On a poisoned lollipop. [Striking image!]
And the damage is so obvious,
But we cowardly ignore:
For we revel in excesses,
And we keep on craving more.
Anyway! I hope this is helpful... and again, an excellent poem.
Thanks, J P Marmaro
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8/16/2018 2:54:58 PM
Wendy Nipas
Posts: 38
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Thank you so much jpmarmaro. I will take your observations to heart. English is not my mother tongue, so I do slip up sometimes (lol). But I appreciate you reading my poem and thanks for the compliments.
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9/1/2018 2:30:18 PM
Jean Bush
Posts: 11
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Wow! Great poem, very pointed, I totally agree. I would suggest you break it up into several verses, as unspaced makes it a little hard to read. The eyes get a break with double spacing. And punctuate!
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9/4/2018 4:52:44 PM
Janine Ingleby
Posts: 3
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I was hooked from the first two lines. I too also love the image of a poisoned lollipop, it is extremely strong.
Excellent poem in my opinion. Thanks for sharing!
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9/10/2018 2:17:29 PM
Wendy Nipas
Posts: 38
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Thank you so much JJ Towns!
edited by wendyme on 9/10/2018
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9/10/2018 2:21:57 PM
Wendy Nipas
Posts: 38
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Thank you Jean Bush. The reason I don't break up my poems in stanzas is because I want every line to be connected to the next. I'm telling a story so I do not want to separate the thoughts. I hope you understand. But thanks for your reply.
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9/15/2018 1:50:24 PM
Bob Atkinson
Posts: 294
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Wow !
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9/23/2018 1:08:22 PM
Jack Webster
Posts: 255
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lectures are not poems. strong opinion. weak poem.
the work is almost entirely devoid of sensory detail, and is entirely devoid of inner sensation. It is not something the reader can experience; the author is talking at the reader. Those that agree with it will be delighted by it; but poems are not subject to agreement or not agreement, as they are experiences which the reader is asked to process and make their own impressions of.
If we remove the device of end rhyme, the façade of poesie falls compeletely away. There is the simile of the poisoned lollipop, but it is a simile that could even be included in casual conversation or prose.
If the author wishes to transpose the work into poetic form, it would best be done by illustrating scenes that engage the senses that capture the dynamic the poet wishes to express, hopefully refraining from editorializing.
the draft is a great road sign directing the author in the direction it wishes to go, but it has not arrived yet.
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10/4/2018 11:40:20 AM
Wendy Nipas
Posts: 38
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Thank you so much for your observations. All I can say is that this rolled out of my mind. It's true it sounds editorial, but then again, it's a style isn't it? I don't know. Not a professional, but the content of the poem is a realistic one. I would think a poet could write about anything that comes to mind? But of course, you are the professional, so you would know best. Thank you once again. And I do love your comments.
superlativedeleted wrote:
lectures are not poems. strong opinion. weak poem.
the work is almost entirely devoid of sensory detail, and is entirely devoid of inner sensation. It is not something the reader can experience; the author is talking at the reader. Those that agree with it will be delighted by it; but poems are not subject to agreement or not agreement, as they are experiences which the reader is asked to process and make their own impressions of.
If we remove the device of end rhyme, the façade of poesie falls compeletely away. There is the simile of the poisoned lollipop, but it is a simile that could even be included in casual conversation or prose.
If the author wishes to transpose the work into poetic form, it would best be done by illustrating scenes that engage the senses that capture the dynamic the poet wishes to express, hopefully refraining from editorializing.
the draft is a great road sign directing the author in the direction it wishes to go, but it has not arrived yet.
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