Poetry Forum

Forum Home » Poem Editing and Help » Help me to correct my poetry?

Do you need help editing a poem? Maybe English isn't your first language. Post poems or request help with a poem or english here.

4/24/2018 3:49:46 AM Noah Otori Posts: 1	Hello, I am a student from Indonesia. I get homework to make a poem and I hope maybe someone can help me in giving suggestions, critics and comments or maybe correcting this poem. This is my first poetry and I realize that I do not have a special talent for poetry, I am just a person who enjoys poetry made by others, because I know to make the poem is not in vain. Together we walked And it took me years To Realize We walk in parallel lines From the side, even though I notice that you are looking down Sorrowfully, I can’t touch you, as I watch your receding figure I see your tears are falling and there’s nothing I can do except sit here, and cry with you But if you wish strongly, I’ll come flying to you Overcome this space-time boundary, to meet you. Surely, there’s a PARALLEL where we can meet, Even if you keep saying, that we live in different worlds. I make this poem from some inspiration, nor do I understand what I write.So I hope you can correct it with the right words? Thank you before. edited by mysticalwitchdream on 4/24/2018
	• permalink • reply with quote
5/28/2019 7:20:31 AM Lyra Pendragon Posts: 2	I would not use caps on PARALLEL - emphasis comes from your choice of words, not caps lock. The line "but if you wish strongly" does not need the "but" and "wish strongly" is a phrase that I've never heard a native English speaker use. I don't know if that is good or bad, just a bit odd. overall I really like your poem!
	• permalink • reply with quote
7/22/2019 5:14:19 PM Julia Thomas-Ficken Posts: 17	When you write & it comes from your heart like this seems to; corrections are "options" and sometimes not necessary. It's like telling an artistic painter what color to use. I do like this piece even though I normally prefer that poems should have balance and rhythm and if you want they can rhyme. As far as grammar sometimes that doesnt matter either but I'm thinking maybe "sorrowfully" should be sorrowly. I don't remember the english grammar rule. maybe wish strongly could be strongly wish. & you lied...your knack for poetry's there just needs refined....perfected.
	• permalink • reply with quote
7/24/2019 5:57:09 AM Edmund Strempfl Posts: 10	G0dD0ll wrote: When you write & it comes from your heart like this seems to; corrections are "options" and sometimes not necessary. It's like telling an artistic painter what color to use. I do like this piece even though I normally prefer that poems should have balance and rhythm and if you want they can rhyme. As far as grammar sometimes that doesnt matter either but I'm thinking maybe "sorrowfully" should be sorrowly. I don't remember the english grammar rule. maybe wish strongly could be strongly wish. & you lied...your knack for poetry's there just needs refined....perfected.
	• permalink • reply with quote
7/24/2019 6:07:42 AM Edmund Strempfl Posts: 10	I keep my lines shorter each reflecting on the previous line and the next as if blending the colours of the picture, thought. Rhyming creates a reading rhythm, but it's your poem, painting and expressionism. Be creative, imaginative with easy reading such like a painting readers can feel or visualise. Hope I was helpful at all
	• permalink • reply with quote
12/12/2019 3:46:57 PM Frough Samiei Posts: 2	Hi everyone, I am a Persian poet and write poems in my native language for long time. I am trying to write in English as well but I found it difficult as I am not native. I really need help to make sense my poems in the eyes of native readers. I would really appreciate your help to correct my poems. many thanks . I'm just a little mother now When I was born I was a beautiful child Nice and lovely With enchanting smiles and a bright face With me, hundreds of hopes and wishes were born Thousands of sweet wishes And the dreams that must come true. I was nicknamed "daughter" ***** when I was born I became a"sister", because I had abrother, Later, other titles were given to me Like wife, aunt, in law…. And when I became a "mom," my other titles werecompleted. *** Wherever I went, I carried the titles like an endless wealth I was proud of myself Suddenly, A thick, black cloud of darkness overshadowed, the darkness of mylife's sky A cloud of contaminated rain, that washed awayall my titles It's been a long time now Just a little mom *** my father, Who had defended the rights of others for a lifetime, Took my right to the grave And my mother who every evening, The time of sunset, Carred her faith to the mosque, Neglet me to satisfy his sons. slowly, I lost being a "daughter " Because I had neither a father nor a mother my brother, who, our childhood was full of laught and joy his life became full of lies and cruel, Lost in the dust of sin And my sister, He sold his soulto luxury and money To satisfy his selfish thirst Then little by little, I lost my titlelof "sister". *** And my husband, Who was, The only one who owned my heart, betrayed me, thus I had to leave my house, I suddenly lost mytitle of "wife" *** Now I am Just a little " mother" Because I don't know In this world full of cruelty and darkness The world, which is infectedwith selfishness and jealousy, How will my kids become, Yes, I am just a little mother,**
	• permalink • reply with quote