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2/12/2018 11:58:57 PM Jon K Posts: 1	I just want to grab myself, and shake myself, until all the sadness in me falls out. I visualise it, as dusty pile of crushed velvet threads, crushed like my very soul. I want to smile again, and really mean it but I can't, because behind every look on my face, there are my eyes that betray me, haunting dark circles, barely containing the deep and brooding swell. I want to be held and consoled, but not by anyone but you, friends have tried to comfort me, and I am afraid to seem ungrateful, but I am shaking and falling apart all the time, so I hide from those that would care. I want to stop falling, I feel the wind in my gut, while my heart randomly surges, like a fist pushing on my ribs, it makes me sick and it hurts, I hurt from many directions. I want to be yours, I don't want to own you, but you can have me, and do with me as you like, for I know and trust you, and you are lovely. I want closure, but I am afraid to admit, that to control this descent. I would have to let you go, and I am not ready to, and I never will be. Because I love you. edited by JonK on 2/13/2018
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2/16/2018 5:13:16 PM Stephen Wilson-Floyd Posts: 49	I know the speaker is not the poet necessarily, but if it is, be good to yourself. That said, this feels like a desperation love poem. Love poems are incredibly hard to write, in my opinion. I feel, poetry needs to be surprising and with so much said well about all kinds of love, it's hard to be fresh. Some of this is better than other parts. Your images are pretty good like "dusty piles of crushed velvet threads", less good with generalizations like "sadness in me falls out". I would also tighten up the language by losing some of its self-reference. For example, I would not say "I am afraid to seem ungrateful" but "I'm not ungrateful". It's like having to say "I think..." all the time when the reader knows that. Small point that. Images are all important. Showing not telling is all important. And, brace yourself, writing love poems is extremely hard. "Because I love you" at the end is sweet, but pretty weak. This would be good to give to that special someone, but probably not ready for a wider audience. Best wishes.
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3/8/2018 8:08:19 PM Jessica Amanda Salmonson Posts: 5	It's a moving poem and works emotionally. I don't "see" much however and just reading an interior monologue without location or event isn't generally a thrill. But if emotion was the only intent it succeeds.
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3/12/2018 10:28:15 PM Sue Silverlight Posts: 2	LOVE THIS POEM!!! Great work. Raw, moving, full of emotions. my only critique is that I don't understand the velvet threads illusory but that could just be me.
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