For poets who want unrestricted constructive criticism. This is NOT a vanity workshop. If you do not want your poem seriously critiqued, do not post here. Constructive criticism only. PLEASE Only Post One Poem a Day!!!
1/14/2018 1:18:34 AM
Laurie Woodward
Posts: 4
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Gentle wind, please
Go not from me.
Rather hold me in thine uplifting arms.
For thy tender ministrations are my sustenance
Each satin, sweet caress a blessing.
Bold wind, please
Go not from me.
Rather wrap me in whirlwinds' chaos
That play with my garments and tease at my hair
Flowing over, around and through me like a river
Storm wind, please
Go not from me.
Rather entwine me in thy heart
Let me feel thy power, to lay waste and to rend.
Then, when my body fails, rend from it my soul
That it may fly always with the wind
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1/15/2018 11:22:05 AM
Oliver Furlong
Posts: 11
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A very beautiful and well-balanced poem, it doesn't bother me the last paragraph is 4 lines long. The soul of a real poet is in here, you have touched mine, and I thank you for that. Amazing.
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1/15/2018 2:16:59 PM
Stephen Wilson-Floyd
Posts: 49
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As I understand it, poems can be for self exploration, family, friends and fellow worshipers. Or it can be for a wider audience. For this to be more appealing to a wider audience, I would rewrite this without the archaic language. In my opinion, if poetry is relevant in today's world, it should be written in the modern idiom. I can't think of a modern published poet with any wide readership who uses this kind of style. It should be an easy fix, should you choose to do it. Best wishes!
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1/16/2018 3:33:11 AM
Oliver Furlong
Posts: 11
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The thrust of the poem is imagining yourself letting go, eyes closed in the feeling that the wind caresses your cheeks and your hair, and being carried away by that feeling, where the soul blends with the element of the wind itself. There are 2 words that stick out for me which distract me from being totally carried away, and they are; "ministration" and "satin". For some reason, they jar with the flow of the other words that evoke the wind.
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1/19/2018 3:18:22 PM
Laurie Woodward
Posts: 4
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Ollie Furlong wrote:
A very beautiful and well-balanced poem, it doesn't bother me the last paragraph is 4 lines long. The soul of a real poet is in here, you have touched mine, and I thank you for that. Amazing.
Wow! Thank you very much!
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1/19/2018 3:25:22 PM
Laurie Woodward
Posts: 4
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Stephen Wilson-Flo wrote:
As I understand it, poems can be for self exploration, family, friends and fellow worshipers. Or it can be for a wider audience. For this to be more appealing to a wider audience, I would rewrite this without the archaic language. In my opinion, if poetry is relevant in today's world, it should be written in the modern idiom. I can't think of a modern published poet with any wide readership who uses this kind of style. It should be an easy fix, should you choose to do it. Best wishes!
Actually, the purpose of this poem was to express a feeling that couldn't be accurately described in less poetic terms. The feeling itself was a poetic one and called for more than plain words to capture it.
I can see your point about modern language. The four words where I used 'thy' or 'thine', instead of 'your', I really felt that the word 'your' was just a bit crude for the feel of the poem, or inelegant at best. The intention was to speak to the wind in a worshipful way, 'your' felt too familiar and too casual.
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1/19/2018 3:36:48 PM
Laurie Woodward
Posts: 4
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Ollie Furlong wrote:
The thrust of the poem is imagining yourself letting go, eyes closed in the feeling that the wind caresses your cheeks and your hair, and being carried away by that feeling, where the soul blends with the element of the wind itself. There are 2 words that stick out for me which distract me from being totally carried away, and they are; "ministration" and "satin". For some reason, they jar with the flow of the other words that evoke the wind. \
Funny, that 'ministrations' line was actually the first line to come to me. While I appreciate your feedback, I can't think of a single synonym that I like half as much. As for 'satin', I was actually thinking of changing that to 'silken'. Would you consider that an improvement?
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1/24/2018 5:01:22 AM
Oliver Furlong
Posts: 11
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Hi Laurie, yes I think 'silken' would be a better word that fits with the feeling of the poem. I'm glad you've decided to stick with 'ministrations'! It shows you know about what care about and at the end of the day, all this feedback is just advice, which you can take or leave. I look forward to your next poem 
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