Poetry Forum

Forum Home » High Critique » High Critique of Dried Wax

For poets who want unrestricted constructive criticism. This is NOT a vanity workshop. If you do not want your poem seriously critiqued, do not post here. Constructive criticism only. PLEASE Only Post One Poem a Day!!!

10/9/2017 9:34:28 PM Cameron Leslie Posts: 7	Dried Wax The flame is lit; the wick is burning Light fills the room so heads are turning Towards the fire that shines so bright It calms the soul this stormy night You gaze upon the dancing flame But what you don't know is quite a shame For what lights the flame that heats the air Lies underneath that flickering flare The fire shall burn, there is no doubt But what is left when that flame is out No longer, then, shall light persist And the ignored dried wax shall still exist. edited by unknownkidatschool on 10/9/2017
	• permalink • reply with quote
10/15/2017 12:20:03 PM Michael Jones Posts: 1	Hi Cameron Leslie, I like the sentiment of this poem, the metaphor for a love affair of a candle's flame burning hot and bright till the fuel subsides leaving only the dried and flaky wax. But I think it would be a more effective and original if you just used some alternate words or phrasing. A thesaurus is a useful tool. For instance: The flame's aglow; the wick will burn Light warms the room so one will turn Toward the blaze that shines so bright It calms the soul this torrid night Just a gentle suggestion. Thanks for asking for constructive criticism. I hope it helps.
	• permalink • reply with quote
10/15/2017 8:34:43 PM Cameron Leslie Posts: 7	Thank you so much! I see what you mean; the -ing words are very easy and less original than trying to find other rhymes. I really appreciate the insight and will definitely keep that in mind for future pieces
	• permalink • reply with quote