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10/7/2017 7:45:38 PM David B. Gosselin Posts: 4	The Sea My sleeping spirit wakes As the town’s vespers Climb the stairless sky And the sea whispers. The rushing waves crash On the craggy Shores of consciousness And the seawhispers. Like an ancient song Or some sailor's dirge Which the pale waves hum As the seas surge. Through the hidden grottoes And deep cavern waters; The countless demesnes Through which she whispers. Through some magic seashell On some antique shore Echoing, a thousand words Of sage like lore. On the earthly sod, Of buried treasures And sunken ships She quiet whispers. Like a forlorn nymph Weeping sorrowful rivers In some hallowed cave, As the sea whispers; Hoping for love’s tidings, Her quiet vespers Over boundless seas Softly, she whispers. Like a sinking swan With broken feathers Whose soul flies On the sea's whispers. So my dreaming spirit Slumber enters As clouds veil the moon, And the sea whispers. edited by thechainedmuse on 10/7/2017
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10/9/2017 11:38:44 PM Lana Antonella Posts: 1	Hi, I think this poem is really hauntingly beautiful but I think adding a different variation of the same verse "as the sea whispers" ruins the flow of it. I think you should keep the last one on the last stanza instead of putting it at the end of every stanza. cheers
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10/12/2017 12:11:22 PM Darren White Posts: 31	I think I agree with Lena. If I were you, I would delete the fourth line of every stanza. Make the stanzas tercets. The poem will be come far and far stronger, and it will strengthen your otherwise beautiful metaphors and similes.
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10/15/2017 1:11:35 AM David B. Gosselin Posts: 4	Hi, Thanks for both the comments. Sorry I did not get back earlier. Honestly, interesting point. While the idea of making them all tercets and adding and the sea whispers only at the end seems A bit off in my opinion personally, I will take a look out how the variation is effected. I would only say that the poem is meant to be strophic, it is meant to be recited aloud. I know just reading this kind of poem is kind of like reading a musical score, where while some will find it interesting, what anyone wants it for the score to come alive, for the music to come alive. So I will look at that, the idea of preserving "And the Sea whispers" for the end, let's say first and last stanza, and then changing things up throughout the development, you have an interesting point. I will go chew on it. I find editing finished poems like this the most painful part! Thanks a lot! Please check out my site if you would like to see a variety of stuff. www.thechainedmuse.com edited by thechainedmuse on 10/15/2017
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10/16/2017 2:24:37 PM Darren White Posts: 31	Aha! Say next time please that it's a performance piece, because it changes everything, Because the phrasing, repetition and more is an important part of that sort of poetry, contrary to 'paper' poetry Leave all instances of the sea in, I'd say! edited by dWite on 10/16/2017
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