Poetry Forum

Forum Home » Be Gentle » New at this...need some feedback on my haiku! :)

Post here if you're new to receiving a critique and you want "gentle" feedback on your poem. Constructive criticism only. PLEASE Only Post One Poem a Day!!!

9/22/2017 4:38:21 PM Martine Lincifort Posts: 1	Daydreaming my reality brightened by thoughts of eden just a delusion. lost in reverie losing real concentration only just a dream.
	• permalink • reply with quote
9/28/2017 3:19:51 PM Jack Webster Posts: 255	I think the concept is good. I think you're intuitively hearing/ feeling how the short lines/ line breaks interrupting phrasing slows down the pace of the read and creates a soft effect. Using short phrasing, or caesura even in longer lines can create a similar effect. For example: At lunch, gazing on the clouds, light filtered through, and I wondered --- what was on the otherside? I think the poetic thought of your poem could be more strongly captured as a dynamic between the speaker and a sensual detail. It's simply a matter of style though. Some enjoy direct explanation; some enjoy a sensual riddle. Good Luck!
	• permalink • reply with quote
9/28/2017 3:26:54 PM Jack Webster Posts: 255	Also, it's my understanding that authentic haiku deals with observational details of nature, frequently implying a season. I believe its cousin form Senryu is the form devoted to observations of human nature. If i understand correctly neither form is abstract in nature, but rather brief illustrations of concrete details that capture an insight into the nature of existence or human nature.
	• permalink • reply with quote