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Forum Home » High Critique » Please Critique My poem and Give Feedback :)

For poets who want unrestricted constructive criticism. This is NOT a vanity workshop. If you do not want your poem seriously critiqued, do not post here. Constructive criticism only. PLEASE Only Post One Poem a Day!!!
9/19/2017 6:07:09 PM

Jessica Jones
Posts: 5
When I was just just a little girl I thought I knew it all
But as the years passed by I have never felt so small
I never knew what life would be like without you teaching me
But now I'm lost and am scared but there's no way to flee
Dad I know you'd want me to be happy and I know you'd want me to smile
But losing you has confused my soul and set me back awhile
We were just becoming closer, becoming the best of friends
I know we had many disagreements but in the end we made amends
I miss you everyday and cry when I'm alone
I'm lost inside with nowhere to hide I wish that I had known
Life is different now I feel guilty to laugh and sing
I know it shouldn't be that way but you were my everything
I looked up to you for guidance, for strength, for love, for hope
But in the end you'll always be my best friend and in time I'll learn to cope
It's almost been three years dad and life has knocked me down
It's beaten me up, bruised my heart, and tossed me all around
But life has also brought a brand new meaning
From diaper changes, little coos, and the occasional screaming
From I love you's, to bedtime kisses, all the way to morning messes
From pacifiers, to baby swings, and little tiny frilly things
Baby baths, little naps, apple juice, and diaper bags
Cuddles, tantrums, spills, and cuts
So much sass it's driving me nuts
The stress, the love, this life that I chose
Could only get better the more that they grow
My heart is so full, this much is true
The only thing my life could ever need now is you.
edited by jessica312 on 9/19/2017
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9/19/2017 7:21:48 PM

Jessica Jones
Posts: 5
please critique and give feedback please. I'd love to know your thoughts.
edited by jessica312 on 9/19/2017
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9/19/2017 9:23:58 PM

Jessica Jones
Posts: 5
I've got 41 views and not a single person to give me feedback... either it must really suck or it was great... I'd like to know which one it is lol
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10/6/2017 10:21:12 AM

Darren White
Posts: 31
You have written your poem in couplets (2-line rhymes). If you would add a whiteline after every 2 or 4 lines, it would read easier. I have a hard time reading texts without paragraphs, and it's one of the reasone I skipped over your poem at first.

The person above me said it all, really. The poem itself is beautiful, what you want to say too, but it would greatly improve by cadence.
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