Poetry Forum

Forum Home » High Critique » I NEED FEEDBACK!!!11(the 1 was on purpose I swear)

For poets who want unrestricted constructive criticism. This is NOT a vanity workshop. If you do not want your poem seriously critiqued, do not post here. Constructive criticism only. PLEASE Only Post One Poem a Day!!!

8/1/2017 3:04:13 PM Jenny Dillon Posts: 9	Here's three poems that you have permission to brutally criticize: *Now she’s here.* I’ve heard people say, They hear voices, Well, I hear a voice. One voice. Why would you do that? Why didn’t you say this? She said. And it all connects, All builds up, Every thread. Until there’s just one big Knot in my head. So to you,my brother, Next time you want to Put me down, Tell me I’m not good enough, Just remember, That somebody’s already Got there first. That voice in my head Wasn’t there at the start. But after years of your Snide comments, Years of every dig You make, Of you pushing me away, Forcing me awake, Pulling me apart, She’s here, to stay. Now, every time you say My friends are losers, Every time you say That I’m one too, Every time you throw a fit, She’s already beaten you to it. *Think* Think before you speak, engage your brain before talking Know what direction you’re going in before you start walking. Think about the circumstances which you will create And the consequences that you will face. Think about the things that you have done in the past, Ask yourself if it will benefit others to do this next task. Think before you go in a certain direction Think before you speak about a certain objection. Anger is not a stable emotion. Negativity will never deserve your devotion. Stubbornness will never change the way that things are Being rude will not cause you to go very far. Think before you speak, engage your brain before talking Know what direction you’re going in before you start walking. Because, in the blink of an eye, Something good inside you might die. Ask yourself what you are willing to sacrifice. Ask yourself, when the action is done, will others feel nice? Whatever decision you make in the end, You have to live with, bend after bend. Think about problems that may soon be sinking Just… continue thinking. *Avalanche* She tried to always be smiling, She tried to always be good, She tried to do everything right, To help everyone that she could. She was winning the battle before. Now though, she wasn’t so sure. One misunderstanding. One misheard word. The world turned over And flipped the board. And without the slightest notion An avalanche of emotion. edited by Writingwords on 8/2/2017 -- I don't have a signature.
	• permalink • reply with quote
8/1/2017 11:44:07 PM Darren White Posts: 31	I would advice you to get rid of all the code first by editing it away, and while you're at it, have a look at the words that are glued together. And then I promise I will read it edited by dWite on 8/1/2017
	• permalink • reply with quote
8/2/2017 8:15:38 AM Darren White Posts: 31	First of all, I would like to say that you write well, no doubt about that. Second is: next time please put up only one poem at a time, so we can read and comment per poem, deal? Here I will only comment on your first poem, and come back later for the others. A question first about your poem: Now she's here. I am thinking that it could be performed on stage, as SLAM, or better even Spoken Word. In that case I'd not change much if I were you, because it needs to be wordy, verbose. If you wrote it as written poem, there are some parts of the poem that are strong and stand out, and some parts that are not very clear, like this one: "Why would you do that? Why didn’t you say this? She said. And it all connects, All builds up, Every thread. Until there’s just one big Knot in my head." To me it would become more clear if you, after the first stanza, would move to the third, and omit there the first word "So". And I am not sure if you should keep the second stanza at all, in a way you can do without. Always your own choice, but I hope my remarks are helpful edited by dWite on 8/2/2017
	• permalink • reply with quote
8/23/2017 11:37:32 AM Dean Wood Posts: 31	Jenny, First let me say, I agree with Darren. You write well! Pay attention to Darren's comments, he is very good and knows his stuff! I would like to comment just a little on the 2nd poem "Think". I love that first couplet! That sets the tone of the whole poem. One caution however, it also sets the meter and a loose range of syllable count for lines to come. Your syllable count and meter varies a lot in this well-written piece. I suggest you clean this up a little. The last line is an exception. It makes a statement, I wouldn't mess with that one. Also, I love your rhymes for the most part. You have chosen to use tight , true rhymes mostly. But, you slip a couple of slant rhymes in too, which detracts. I suggest cleaning up "create / face", and perhaps "task / past". That last one is probably fine. Just suggestions! It is your work, you're the boss! Best of luck to you! Dean edited by Dean Wood on 8/23/2017 edited by Dean Wood on 8/23/2017 edited by Dean Wood on 8/23/2017 edited by Dean Wood on 8/23/2017
	• permalink • reply with quote