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4/26/2017 7:17:06 PM Alex Grimm Posts: 2	I really want to be a better writer so I've been looking for tough critique online (because friends, even good ones, often will not) so any help at all is very much appreciated. I get Addicted To her Novocaine Moments, The times where She makes Everything Quiet. She lights fires In places I can’t See, Burns tattoo-like Days into my palms So I’ll never forget. And I won’t. Take my hand And I’ll swallow you Like an angry God- A distant God- One I can’t find Myself Believing in. Then, Tap into my Soul Like a maple tree, It bleeds out Memories And heartbreak Hopefulness, Like this time It will be Different. No two Loves Are the same, Or even Comparable- I’d say I love you now For who you are Currently, Just as some don’t love Anymore For who I have Become. But, I’d say, I love you Wholeheartedly. I’d say, Take this kiss- It’ll be different tomorrow, Or even today, In the late afternoon- But Just like how vines grow Together up poles I’d say I want to grow With you, Together, Entwined like vines Or wires Or cotton fibers- I just know that Things do grow Apart, Too. I’d say, You burn brighter. But fuses burn bright When they burst And I’m more wary now Than ever About love that feels like Fire, About a touch that burns Deeper Than cooling charcoal Embers- I want Something That feels like peace Or serenity Or maybe Just a quiet spot Somewhere Away from all these People, My thoughts. I deal in Somedays, Which is to say That I dream of a Love to be, Which is to say That I love the idea Of tomorrow More than living today, Or remembering Yesterday And if I remember Any of this, Of you and I, It’s because you are Something I never wanted to Forget.
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5/9/2017 2:10:15 PM Carissa Marie Posts: 24	I really enjoyed the story of the poem, and the emotions it encited. The flow was a bit choppy, though; I understand the creative decision, but the broken sentences make it a little difficult to read. Loved it!
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5/10/2017 12:07:34 AM Elle Meadow Posts: 15	Ok, the first that immediately leaps out is theincorrect use of enjambment. Enjambment is the insertion of a new poetical linewithin the grammatical line/sentence for emphasis. Normally the emphasis fallson the first and last word of each line of poetry. When you force a line breakinto the line, it forces the reader's attention onto the 'new' last word. So looking at your poem - what was it youwanted to emphasize about the words in bold? I get Addicted To her Novocaine Moments, The times where She makes Everything Quiet. She lights fires In places I can’t See, Burns tattoo-like Days into my palms So I’ll never forget. And I won’t. Take my hand And I’ll swallow you Like an angry God- A distant God- One I can’t find Myself Believing in. Then, Tap into my Soul Like a maple tree, It bleeds out Memories And heartbreak Hopefulness, Like this time It will be Different. No two Loves Are the same, Or even Comparable- I’d say I love you now For who you are Currently, Just as some don’t love Anymore For who I have Become. But, I’d say, I love you Wholeheartedly. I’d say, Take this kiss- It’ll be different tomorrow, Or even today, In the late afternoon- But Just like how vines grow Together up poles I’d say I want to grow With you, Together, Entwined like vines Or wires Or cotton fibers- I just know that Things do grow Apart, Too. I’d say, You burn brighter. But fuses burn bright When they burst And I’m more wary now Than ever About love that feels like Fire, About a touch that burns Deeper Than cooling charcoal Embers- I want Something That feels like peace Or serenity Or maybe Just a quiet spot Somewhere Away from all these People, My thoughts. I deal in Some days, Which is to say That I dream of a Love to be, Which is to say That I love the idea Of tomorrow More than living today, Or remembering Yesterday And if I remember Any of this, Of you and I, It’s because you are Something I never wanted to Forget. So let's put the emphasis on words that DO matter with adifferent set of line breaks. And we are going to take out all the words thatmean nothing like 'and' and 'that' and other prepositions and conjunctions. I get addicted To her Novocaine Moments, She makes everything quiet. She lights fires In places I can’t see, Burns tattoo-like days into my palms so I’ll neverforget. And I won’t. Take my hand I’ll swallow you like an angry God- A distant God- One Ican’t find myself believing. Tap into mySoul Like a maple tree, It bleeds out memories And heartbreak Hopefulness, Like this time It will be different. No two loves Are the same, Or even comparable- I’d say I love you now For who you are Just as some don’t love me anymore For who I have Become. But, I’d say, I love you wholeheartedly. I’d say, Take this kiss- It’ll be different tomorrow, Or even today, In the late afternoon- Just like how vines grow Together up poles I’d say I want to grow With you, together, Entwined like vines Or wires Or cotton fibers- I just know that Things do grow Apart. I’d say, You burn brighter. But fuses burn bright When they burst And I’m more wary now Than ever About love that feels like fire, About a touch that burns deeper Than cooling charcoal embers- I want Something That feels like peace Or serenity Or maybe Just a quiet spot Somewhere Away from all these people, My thoughts. I deal in Some days, Which is to say I dream of a love to be, Which is to say I love the idea Of tomorrow More than living today, Or remembering Yesterday If I remember Any of this, Of you and I, It’s because you are Something I never wanted to forget. Some other hints – there are still places that are justwaffle, empty words. Condense this poem into no more than two verses – distill yourthoughts down to the finest refinement of them – and you have something!
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5/10/2017 12:09:25 AM Elle Meadow Posts: 15	Sorry for the weird formatting. I had to do this in word and then copy/paste it over because the text box here is too small and can't be enlarged. For some reason it ignored spaces in some places.
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5/11/2017 3:56:35 PM Vasudha Rohatgi Posts: 3	Too good for words, you have an absolutely brilliant poem here. I'd say that it took my breath away In my opinion though, the line structure that you've implemented here, while it should've given your poem a profound feeling, is masking the continuity and relation of ideas. For example, you've used *I'd say* in repetition - the whole significance of this is being covered up by the fact that there are too many lines in the middle.Like most have pointed out, this is the only thing holding your poem back from perfection. There are some consecutive lines (only a few, keeping in mind the style you wish to maintain) that could be linked into one, and would produce a better effect and would be more meaningful. Try exploring that
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