Poetry Forum

Forum Home » Be Gentle » A mistake

Post here if you're new to receiving a critique and you want "gentle" feedback on your poem. Constructive criticism only. PLEASE Only Post One Poem a Day!!!

2/26/2017 5:11:36 PM david jones Posts: 4	Consternation, creeping weeping Chills my bones, ever breaking Heart goes still, brain is shrieking Underground, waking quaking
	• permalink • reply with quote
2/26/2017 7:07:35 PM J. Amorose Posts: 19	Wow. It's a great stand-alone, but I think it would work better as a refrain in a longer poem. That said, the language... Vividly vivacious. Good job.
	• permalink • reply with quote
2/26/2017 7:33:09 PM david jones Posts: 4	Thank you for the positive words! What is it do you think? I'm not that familiar with the different forms so I'm not sure what you'd call it. I was thinking I could make it 8-8-8-8 I like really short things, I am more of a haiku person really. Does it matter? edited by Soothsayerman on 2/26/2017
	• permalink • reply with quote
2/26/2017 7:59:09 PM J. Amorose Posts: 19	Not really. The length doesn't matter. I'd call it a quatrain based on what I see.
	• permalink • reply with quote
2/26/2017 8:16:30 PM david jones Posts: 4	Okay Quatrain, I will fiddle with that. Thanks!
	• permalink • reply with quote
2/28/2017 9:03:30 PM J. Amorose Posts: 19	Anytime!
	• permalink • reply with quote
3/18/2017 3:40:38 AM Shubham Kamble Posts: 4	Amazing flow of epithets! Wonderfully written. It can stand alone. And is quite catchy in this manner!
	• permalink • reply with quote
4/10/2017 4:37:09 PM Doug Vinson Posts: 102	I agree that it can stand alone, a snapshot of an unquiet mind, yet there could be more - the reason for the consternation, for example. Either way, have fun and good luck.
	• permalink • reply with quote
5/7/2017 1:10:59 AM Andy Morfett Posts: 9	Too short to really make much of an emotional or visceral impact. To me, a series of words with little to link them is not really poetry, but that's just MY opinion. Clearly you know how to use words; perhaps stretching yourself to write something longer and more 'conventional' would show us more of your talent than this nondescript effort?
	• permalink • reply with quote