Poetry Forum
Post here if you're new to receiving a critique and you want "gentle" feedback on your poem. Constructive criticism only. PLEASE Only Post One Poem a Day!!!
2/26/2017 5:11:36 PM
david jones Posts: 4
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Consternation, creeping weeping Chills my bones, ever breaking Heart goes still, brain is shrieking Underground, waking quaking
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2/26/2017 7:07:35 PM
J. Amorose Posts: 19
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Wow. It's a great stand-alone, but I think it would work better as a refrain in a longer poem. That said, the language... Vividly vivacious. Good job.
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2/26/2017 7:33:09 PM
david jones Posts: 4
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Thank you for the positive words!
What is it do you think? I'm not that familiar with the different forms so I'm not sure what you'd call it.
I was thinking I could make it 8-8-8-8
I like really short things, I am more of a haiku person really. Does it matter? edited by Soothsayerman on 2/26/2017
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2/26/2017 7:59:09 PM
J. Amorose Posts: 19
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Not really. The length doesn't matter.
I'd call it a quatrain based on what I see.
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2/26/2017 8:16:30 PM
david jones Posts: 4
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Okay Quatrain, I will fiddle with that.
Thanks!
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2/28/2017 9:03:30 PM
J. Amorose Posts: 19
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Anytime!
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3/18/2017 3:40:38 AM
Shubham Kamble Posts: 4
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Amazing flow of epithets! Wonderfully written. It can stand alone. And is quite catchy in this manner!
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4/10/2017 4:37:09 PM
Doug Vinson Posts: 102
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I agree that it can stand alone, a snapshot of an unquiet mind, yet there could be more - the reason for the consternation, for example. Either way, have fun and good luck.
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5/7/2017 1:10:59 AM
Andy Morfett Posts: 9
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Too short to really make much of an emotional or visceral impact. To me, a series of words with little to link them is not really poetry, but that's just MY opinion. Clearly you know how to use words; perhaps stretching yourself to write something longer and more 'conventional' would show us more of your talent than this nondescript effort?
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