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Forum Home » Be Gentle » The Navy Pilot's Lover

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2/25/2017 2:01:35 PM

J. Amorose
Posts: 19
Sitting on the rooftop, wavy hair billowing

In the wicked wind, fluttering away like herself

She clasps to her neck the silvery heart-locket

Before looking down from her shady alcove

She has no more time to waste, and, deciding a decided decision,

Tumbles through the sky...

_




When she was younger, she always looked to the sky

A source of inspiration, like the flags billowing

Patriotic she was for countries not hers, patriotic her decision

To go to the celebration of another land, that day of herself

There, in the shadows, she found an alcove

In the young boy who later gave her the heart-locket.




The boy, while certainly not a looker, was perfect for her, like the heart-locket

The reckless one, always wanting to fly for his country, a Navy pilot, up in the sky

And maybe that's why she chose him as the perfect alcove

For when premature death sealed his lips, only the flag knew her story, billowing

Its tragic tale into the world, mixing with the song of herself

That only she knew. That, at least, was her decision.




Despite the many voices, she made her own decision

And visited his coffin the day of his funeral, the heart-locket

Reflecting the pilot's face for the final time, he dropped out of the sky.

Had no reason to die. They found the body. A miracle for her and only herself.

The grey tombstone where she lived, the flag he died for above their heads, billowing,

Etched with his name in the color of death. Her alcove...

_

The funeral procession proceeds, though they all try to crack smiles. They visit her alcove,

The gravestone of a young boy so foolish to die. But really it was his decision.

The ominous flag like her hair that fateful night, billowing

With another life captured, preserved only in the heart-locket

Capturing the essence of what it meant for them to fly. The ground and the sky

Still encircling her neck, it sang her song, unsung except in the darkest nights, for herself.




Now there is no such thing as herself,

Only her cadaver, lying in its plot next to his, in the final alcove

She found before falling from the sky.

Just like him, that young boy, his eyes sparkling with his dream and his decision

To fly above the waves with her and the glitter of her heart-locket,

The flag he served forever in the air, billowing.




“Still capturing the essence of the sky, her waves of hair billowing

Remind us that she is lost forever. She could not live for herself, and her final decision

Reflects the alcove of the gravestones and the spark in the heart-locket.”
edited by bluebunn84ppg on 2/25/2017
edited by bluebunn84ppg on 2/25/2017
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2/25/2017 2:02:20 PM

J. Amorose
Posts: 19
I've posted this on the Soup too, I just wanted to see what you forum-ers thought...

Lemme start working the format now, it wonked up.
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2/25/2017 7:43:16 PM

J. Amorose
Posts: 19
I'm looking for constructive criticism, but not too harsh.
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2/26/2017 7:41:52 AM

J. Amorose
Posts: 19
Can anyone critique this?
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2/26/2017 9:48:36 AM

Bob Atkinson
Posts: 294
bluebunn84ppg wrote:
Sitting on the rooftop, wavy hair billowing

In THE wicked wind, fluttering away like herself

She clasps to her neck THE silvery heart-locket

Before looking down from her shady alcove

She has no more time to waste, and, deciding a decided decision,

Tumbles through THE sky...

_




When she WAS younger, she always looked to THE sky

A source of inspiration, like THE flags billowing

Patriotic she WAS for countries not hers, patriotic her decision

To go to THE celebration of another land, THAT day of herself

There, inTHE shadows, she found an alcove

In THE young boy who later gave her THE heart-locket.




THE boy, while certainly not a looker, was perfect for her, like THE heart-locket

THE reckless one, always wanting to fly for his country, a Navy pilot, up in THE sky

And maybe THAT'S why she chose him as THE perfect alcove

For when premature death sealed his lips, only THE flag knew her story, billowing

ITS tragic tale into THE world, mixing with THE song of herself

THAT only she knew. THAT, at least, WAS her decision.




Despite THE many voices, she made her own decision

And visited his coffin THE day of his funeral, THE heart-locket

Reflecting THE pilot's face for THE final time, he dropped out of THE sky.

Had no reason to die. They found the body. A miracle for her and only herself.

The grey tombstone where she lived, the flag he died for above their heads, billowing,

Etched with his name in THE color of death. Her alcove...

_

THE funeral procession proceeds, though they all try to crack smiles. They visit her alcove,

THE gravestone of a young boy so foolish to die. But really IT was his decision.

THE ominous flag like her hair that fateful night, billowing

With another life captured, preserved only in THE heart-locket

Capturing THE essence of what IT meant for them to fly. THE ground and THE sky

Still encircling her neck,IT sang her song, unsung except in THE darkest nights, for herself.




Now there IS no such thing as herself,

Only her cadaver, lying in ITS plot next to his, in THE final alcove

She found before falling from THE SKY.

Just like him,THAT young boy, his eyes sparkling with his dream and his decision

To fly above THE waves with her and THE glitter of her heart-locket,

THE flag he served forever in THE air, billowing.




“Still capturing THE essence of THE SKY, her waves of hair billowing

Remind us that she IS lost forever. She could not live for herself, and her final decision

Reflects THE alcove of THE gravestones and THE spark in THE heart-locket.”
edited by bluebunn84ppg on 2/25/2017
edited by bluebunn84ppg on 2/25/2017


CAPPED MISTAKES

Regards, Bob Atkinson

Google: poetry critic
edited by Bob_Atkinson on 2/26/2017
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2/26/2017 7:09:18 PM

J. Amorose
Posts: 19
Eh? I don't understand. You have to have some filler words in there. Otherwise it sounds like a Harvard professor. Could you tell me anything else?
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