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7/6/2015 10:28:55 AM K.M North Posts: 97	So I read it, and came back to it because I wasn't sure exactly what to say. It feels very forced at trying to be positive and offered no leads as to where it's going or where it's been. The voice in this just seems to be writing failed highschool verses that don't start or come together in any way other than as a siren call to someone {some people} who did you wrong. I'd say to rewrite the whole thing, focus on who the person is, where they come from and where they are going. Give us a reason to feel bad/sympathetic for the voice, give us a reason to want them to move on to bigger and better things
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8/14/2015 3:54:38 PM Accipter Salix Posts: 1	@ Sigmund Fraud: Was the clown comment necessary? It’shardly constructive. @ Silent One: 1. I find your use of punctuation to be confusing.The ellipsis mark (the triple-dot/period) is typically used to indicate anintentional omission, or an unfinished thought. It’s commonly used when asentence or an idea trails off: like in, ‘I was going to wearclothes that day but… That’s right! You’ve already heard this story.’ To pickan example from your poem; let’s choose the first line. ‘This life is a fraud,’is a complete idea. It contains a subject (thislife), a verb (is), and an object (a fraud), so the ellipsis mark is unnecessary.If you’re using this mark to force the reader to pause at the end of each line,then a single period would be sufficient, and if a lengthier pause is necessarythen you could insert a space between the first and second line. Also, some ofthe lines in this poem end with a double-dot/period, and this isn’t a standardform. It reads like a typo, and I can only guess at what it’s meant to add tothe poem. 2. In terms of content, I’m afraid I’ll have toecho the other contributors here, Sigmund Fraud and Reisenhoffer. The ideasseem to be, at best, loosely connected, and this doesn’t give the reader muchto “take” from the work. It’s like, listening to Prokofiev as compared tolistening to Mozart: when you walk away from the Mozart piece there’s a definitemelody stuck in your head, but what you walk away from a Prokofiev piece youfeel stoned. Both composers are masters of their style and, to confess, Iprefer listening to the invention and complexity of Prokofiev over Mozart;however, I can only make that last statement on an intellectual basis.Emotionally, Mozart’s work affects me(emotionally, spiritually, etc.) much more deeply. This is because there is a clearrelationship between the central idea in a Mozart piece (the central melody)and the variations of that idea that make up the majority of the piece.Prokofiev’s work, on the other hand, nonetheless maintains a relationship betweenthe central melody and its variations, but its connections are much more looselydefined. Prokofiev’s approach allows him to raise the technicality of his workfar beyond anything that Mozart could ever employ within his own style, but heachieves this at a great cost: he compromises his works’ ability to affect aperson. That said, in terms of content I can only offer one piece of advice.This is, if you want your poem to be “catchy” and to affect people deeply, thenthe entire poem needs to be rewritten: with a focus on clearly definedrelationships between the poem’s central idea and the elaborations on it. However,if you are going for a more Prokofiev-esk style (as it appears to me that you are)then you’ll need to accept this opportunity to raise the more technical aspectsof your work. You won’t affect manypeople by doing this, but you’ll have an opportunity impress those who’ve ‘seenit all before’ and appreciate inventiveness, complexity and authors who takerisks. 3. I like this poem for its inquiry into the perspectiveof “a stubborn stone that’s kicked off a path but remains nonetheless certainthat he or she will ‘return to where it came from:” i.e. right in everybody’sway. I feel there is a lot of room for both humour and seriousness, or both, inthis work. I wish I’d thought of it! If you could add a littlelighthearted-bitterness to the stone’s perspective, and more of a teenage-rebelliontype feel to his or her promises of returning back to the path, the poem could leavereaders with smiles, cheers and a warm spot in their chest (the kind of spotyou feel while reading cutesy things). The stone’s perspective is something thateveryone can relate to, so by giving it a personality that the reader probablydoesn’t see in themselves, you can make the reader laugh at themselves whilethey laugh at the stone’s character; and that will certainly make the poemmemorable. I’m an amateur myself, so I encourage you to be critical ofmy advice. Good luck with your writing! I’ve read a number of your poemsalready and I look forward to reading more. Ciao, Dan
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8/16/2015 4:41:32 AM Edlynn Nau Posts: 6	THE BOTTOM LINE IS: Show us don't tell us! Take me on your journey and let me live one of your days. I need to see, hear, smell, feel your story! Do NOT give up! If life is two-faced or kicks you around...show us don't tell us!
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8/19/2015 4:55:18 PM Glory Winzer Posts: 14	This is an interesting thing. In some ways, I agree with the others; I do think the punctuation is off, and it could do with more fleshing, but also, the emotion IS there, and if people can't feel it, it's because they've never had to force positivism, and have never been kicked around, or worn a lie. I think that it could be revised in such a way to increase the flow, especially 'But upon my journey I remain.. For those who belittle me now' Cause sounds like you're keeping on going FOR the people who are putting you back down. This is ONLY my personal opinion, all of it, and it is not necessary for you to heed any of it, but, that said, I look forward to reading the final draft. edited by Glory Winzer on 8/19/2015
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