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5/22/2015 5:33:00 AM Shane Cooper Posts: 3	LEVIATHAN Arrogant autocratic Ahab Sails set seaward Heartless harpoon high Wind wracked Waves Revenge rage regret Wretched white whale Opaque Ocean oblivious Deep dark dangerous Titanic terrors traversing Captain callous cold Blood bought bonds Obsidian oaths ordured Foreboding fears fester Sacrosanct silent seas Motionless midst moonset Dim daylight dawned Spray shot skyward Lithe Longboats launched Barnacled Behemoth Breaching Heartless harpoons hefted Destruction death defeat Ahab alone as Achilles did battle Poised proud purposeful in battle Long lance light in hand for battle White whale welcomes the battle Dives deep deep to rise to the battle Man monster meet to do battle The sea is still, it has no tale to tell
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5/22/2015 5:35:16 AM Shane Cooper Posts: 3	I would like some honest critique of this work I have not achieved the result I wanted why?
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5/22/2015 8:37:07 AM Diane M Quinlan Posts: 6	This is surely an adventure poem and you did well in your pleasing (story-line way) by bringing to mind--- Man and Nature intrusions and the not-so-foretold outcomes. Nature (Mother) does slap wrists when a wrong is done in her kingdom! What a great pay-back in the end! Highly imaginative and wonderful references to 'like-situations and matters. I enjoyed this very much. I am not an authorized critic and very new to appeasing another's work, but having done well here with my man vs. nature poem "Katrina"---critiqued here very 'highly'.... I think yours is due for attention. Didee
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5/22/2015 9:08:40 AM Jaycee Cervenka Posts: 5	Shane, I think the issue with this is that the story is getting somewhat lost in the tight alliterations and lines. Perhaps loosening it so that the alliterations flows in a sentences like structure, rather than tight minimalist lines that feel more like lists to the reader than a story. If the rest of the poem read more like the last two stanzas, it would be easier to follow. Right now you have the slide show or photo album in words where each line is its own picture. what you need is a movies that flows together. I'm not sure what result you were really looking for in this piece but that is my view of it.
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