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4/11/2015 9:01:14 PM K.M North Posts: 97	Hey, welcome to PS. So this is high critique which I'm glad of. First off, you have some truly great lines and ideas going on here. I absolutely detest the fact of it having to rhyme. Seems like you fit words and lines in just so that it will rhyme. If I were you {just my opinion} I would go through and do a complete re-write on it and write it so that it's more free form prose rather than straight up having to rhyme the way it does. To me it would gather a whole lot more depth and it would make for a more compelling read. I definitely think there's some great things going on here and as I said, some really great lines and ideas. I just think you get boxed in with the rhyming scheme and it doesn't let the poem flow the way it should. Good work though-Kevin
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4/12/2015 12:52:23 PM Mark Ackerson Posts: 12	Lawrence, Kevin has some good and valid points. Try riming to intensify an image or stress a given expression, rather than using it throughout the poem. This goes for meter, as well. Also think of imagery to convey the picture you are attempting to paint. Your use of "woe" is too archaic and doesn't fit, you use it for the sole purpose of rime. If you're going to use "die" and "drugs", perhaps support in the first stanza is warranted. I'm with Kevin, do a complete revision and post it as a new thread here. You do have some interesting thoughts and one-liners.
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5/4/2015 8:05:48 PM Dave Collins Posts: 13	Sit down, open your head and let it stream out. Write till yr done and don't edit. Music and sometimes spirits can get the process going. Forget style, its the words that are important. Good luck.
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5/4/2015 8:07:15 PM Dave Collins Posts: 13	Hey Mark, FYI it's spelled rhyme, not rime.
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