Poetry Forum

Forum Home » High Critique » Universal Scale (blank verse)

For poets who want unrestricted constructive criticism. This is NOT a vanity workshop. If you do not want your poem seriously critiqued, do not post here. Constructive criticism only. PLEASE Only Post One Poem a Day!!!

4/1/2015 3:36:40 PM Graphite Drug Posts: 81	Universal Scale The Eagle Nebula’s famous picture was taken with the Hubble telescope. It is called Pillars of Creation. There are three pillars like rising dust clouds. They are artificially colored atoms. Red, green, and blue are given to gasses. Assigned colors create the picture. Red is assigned to the gas sulfur. Green is assigned to hydrogen gas. Blue is assigned to oxygen gas. The pillars descend in height large to small, right to left they appear to melt upward. Green gas glows like light beneath the ocean. It floats near the pillars like pine pollen. Pink stars hover at various depths. Two protrusions are on the large pillar. A large protrusion is at its base. A smaller protrusion is above it. The two largest stars hover to the right of the large pillar’s small protrusion. The medium pillar has no appendage. The smallest pillar appears like a stump. It has roots that splay out from beneath it. A conspicuous star floats above it. Other stars float in front of the pillars. Stars are giant, even bigger than Earth. Scale is incredible in deepest space. The grandest creation escapes reason. People, like dust specs, can have so much thought. It does not compare to the universe. More exists than humans can comprehend.
	• permalink • reply with quote
4/10/2015 6:14:45 PM K.M North Posts: 97	Hey, nice piece of work. To be honest I disliked it greatly until the last 4 lines or so. I thought it was kind of meandering and whatnot but the last few lines made an impact. So good job with that. I can't really say too much about it, it's written quite well for what it is it, the main problem is the first 3/4 of it is just describing something that I think you could've done with maybe 6-8 lines rather than however many in took. It's good though. An interesting take on things for sure. Just glad god wasn't brought in at the end. Would've totally ruined it
	• permalink • reply with quote
4/22/2015 10:16:53 AM Nadia Steel Posts: 6	"The pillars descend in height large to small, right to left they appear to melt upward." These two lines are overkill and confusing. You have so much description in your imagery, but it is not all direct. Almost as if you are talking in circles. The majesty you are attempting to describe to your reader doesn't necessarily need so much description. If you make each word matter, you can avoid sounding long winded. The ending is definitely where the poem hit home, and the reader has that 'Oh' moment. It just feels like you need to do less description and more of what you had at the end. More meaning. Less words. Besides that, I enjoyed this poem. Take care.
	• permalink • reply with quote