Poetry Forum
For poets who want unrestricted constructive criticism. This is NOT a vanity workshop. If you do not want your poem seriously critiqued, do not post here. Constructive criticism only. PLEASE Only Post One Poem a Day!!!
11/14/2014 12:27:50 AM
Rakesh Arava Posts: 2
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I met a hand with eyes but no vision
He touched me but only to fill his hunger
And I with a heart floated with anger
I wish I were a human
But not of this hand
I just asked one day but only within
The muscular hand was no less than a muddle head
In life it was panting for death
And I In death panting for the former
He knew he could free me
But his knowledge is destined ignorance
Alas! His heart pumps only blood, no care.
To my one day
I croaked to his deaf ears for years
But for one day
Neither a day is left nor a drop of hope
My heart pounced on request
And his on the lust to have me
I swam in his desire not in his concern
To my one day
I croak now to the world
Enchained in all this ego
Is there a hero out to rescue me
Oh I know the world is all a dark mirror of life
I know this just in one day
That my day has come
( Can anyone present a critical analysis of my poem; I am open to develop further)
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11/14/2014 11:13:47 PM
paul martin Posts: 12
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The first verse you use "I" five times separating the reader from the poem,poetry is a two way process the reader and the writer especially if you trying to evoke some kind of universal truth,there is complete lack of any Kind of poetic devices I.e assonance alliteration interior Rhyming which means the poem is hard to read and what you want to express gets lost in the muddle The writing has to harder crisper in poetry less is more You have to really think what you want to say then cut it Down until it flows like water Though saying all that you have basis of a very good poem It just needs alot of work and editing That's my two cent worth Keep writing and best of luck edited by The bad seed on 11/14/2014 edited by The bad seed on 11/14/2014
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