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1/8/2011 8:46:40 AM JasonPoet Boyd Posts: 5	5 jan 2011 11:30 am I try to remember when life was just fun But that was way back when I was too little too young It was before I knew right from wrong Life was a blast a beautiful song But as I grew and life came into view I started to do that which I knew not to I became afraid and wanted to hide Because of the guilt that is inside In thinking back to never never land Adam and Eves plight I now understand Life on Purpose Live it before you lose it! ©2009 edited by Bobb on 1/8/2011 -- Life on Purpose Live it before you lose it! ©2009
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1/15/2011 4:07:49 PM Joe Flach Posts: 15	Bob, although I don't think poems always need punctuation, especially at the end of lines, I think this one could benefit from some punctuation in places. For example: The line, "Life was a blast a beautiful song" - I think you either need to use a semi-colon - "Life was a blast; a beautiful song" or, in keeping with the no punctuation theme, break it into two lines - "Life was a blast (new line) A beautiful song". A few other suggestions: Second line - I might consider changing the end to: "I was a little too young". "...too little too young" does not flow too well - in my humble opinion. The third line seems too short compared to lines 1 and 2. Maybe try: "It was before I knew the difference between right and wrong". With the pause in the next line, either by using the ";" or breaking the line in two, I think the flow is better. I think line five improves by adding the word "older" after "grew". And I would add the word "do" at the end of line 6. Line 8, maybe try replacing the word "is" with "grew deep" - that may be a bit more poetic. Line 9 - try "Never-Never Land" Line 10 - I think "Eves" should be possesive, "Eve's" These are just some suggestions, for what they are worth. Good luck with your poetic endeavors and only make changes where you think they improve YOUR poem. Joe
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