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5/18/2010 4:30:09 PM Michael Benkhen Posts: 40	Hmm you've definately isolated a problem area...I don't know if I can be much help today since I have a huge headache...but I'll try my best. If I could shine a poem It would be the perfect reflection Of the light that dances in their eyes. A poem's perfect reflection. Their reflection stares back and dances in the light, I paint the light goldenrod, the lavender then glows Then I hold their childish hands and paint them all a home Walls are strewn with emerald, the violet mistletoe I crochet, a parapet flank it 'pon the home I gaze upon this wondrous scene, wonder how I did lavender children, lavender children I see them start to sing. - It's not good I know...I couldn't recreate your flow.. And this headache is just making thinking a pain. I might try again...later...I hope you fix this. edited by Apocapus on 5/18/2010 -- The land is littered with the graves of animals I never killed yet somehow mourn.
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5/19/2010 12:26:19 PM Joe Flach Posts: 15	Catie, I would suggest you try to mimic the first stanza somewhat and come up with another "If I could..." verse. In the first verse you say, "If I could paint a poem... // If a poem I could crouchet..." Maybe in this verse you say, "If I could shine a poem...// If a poem I could ________" It's like a word problem: paint is to crouchet as shine is to ? Figure out what the ? is and build on that. Just a suggestion. Joe
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5/19/2010 10:08:42 PM Spade Sincuna Posts: 28	To be honest, I really like the flow of this poem and the rhythm of each stanza, definitely liked the second stanza and how the end stanza gave a flashback of it. My only concerning is something more particular... I'd crochet the perfect lace, and It would be the perfect reflection The use of "perfect" is not advisable in this poem, it becomes too personal and subjective. The movement of your piece is very vivid as if you (the poet) is actually an artist painting, showing the us (the viewer) how the poem actually looks like. But putting subjective/relative words like "perfect" invites the reader into an artwork which would be better worked by the artist alone. I guess this is minor but if ever you feel the need to improve it, may I suggest putting more "visuals" in replace of the line (a metaphor or a simile)... like: It would be a reflection of summer brushing in the wind and dancing in the waves... etc. Just a suggestion of course.
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