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10/4/2013 10:54:42 PM Tom H. Posts: 2	I'm fairly new to poetry and i'd really appreciate it if you guys could give any type of feedback, advice, comments, opinions, criticisms etc. Our idle breath hung onto the air Matching Water's glassy stare As the birds songs' giddy notes Danced beneath their throats Beneath dancing rays a collected daze He greeted the pond's lazy gaze Our glued eyes slowly climbing Gradual lingering through heartbeats timing A brew of brown sporadic spots Milky eyes still lit with thoughts An emerald underside sparkles clearer The lily pad peers a collective mirror Our eyes imploring, wanting more Stretching our legs towards the shore The trees vigilant, a wary gaze As we stumble through nature's maze A warning ripple with something to say Cautious eyes yearning for another day Our steps too steep break the quiet That's all it takes for nature's riot And with one last deepening breath The frog leaps into nature's depths Now she holds her secrets down below We're not sure if she'll let them go Thanks for any input! Tom
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10/7/2013 11:30:25 AM Just That Archaic Poet Posts: 89	Being a "rhymer" myself, of course I loved that this piece rhymed. If this poem is any indication of your aptitude and flair for rhyme, then I think you have great potential. My only suggestions would be to watch your prosody and keep your rhymes as tight and succinct as possible. Also mind your metre, rhythm and flow. If you stumble while reading, then the reader usually stumbles in the same places. Take your first two lines for example: you have a 9 syllable vying with a 7 syllable rhyme in the next line which creates a stumbling point. I would change it to "Our idle breath hung in the air". It has more fluidity to it and more evenly matches your second verse. I found little places like this throughout your piece, but they do not necessarily detract from the overall beauty and impact of the poem. With time, practice and experience, you will easily discern how to best write or rework a piece. Try to familiarize yourself with the different pentameters and how they sound to the ear; also do not be afraid to work in some internal rhymes as well. Overall, I think this is a great piece that just needs some polishing and refining. If I can be of any further assistance, feel free to let me know; always happy to help a fellow poet, especially a neophyte ~JustThatArchaicPoet aka JustLivingLies
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10/11/2013 10:47:40 AM Tom H. Posts: 2	Thank you, the compliments mean a lot! I'll practice and work on flow and rhythm and hopefully improve this piece. Thanks again Tom
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10/11/2013 3:24:03 PM Just That Archaic Poet Posts: 89	You are most welcome, Tom
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