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8/12/2013 5:07:57 PM

thomas clark
Posts: 2
I WAS SITTING IN THE GUTTER
WEARING WORN OUT CLOTHES

MY POCKETS WERE EMPTY

EXCEPT FOR THE HOLES

MY SHOES TOOK IN THE RAIN

AND LET OUT MY TOES

PEOPLE WOULD PASS ME

WITH TURNED UP NOSE

COS THEY DON,T KNOW MY STORY

DONT KNOW HOW IT GOES







I WAS ONCE LIKE THEY ARE

I HAD A WIFE AND TWO KIDS

BUT THEY DIED IN A CAR CRASH

SO MY LIFE HIT THE SKIDS

SO I SIT IN THIS GUTTER

DAY AFTER DAY

JUST PASSING MY LONELIEST

HOURS AWAY




PEOPLE KEEP PASSING

WITH A FROWN ON THEIR FACE

WHISPERING LOOK AT THAT DRUNK

HE,S SUCH A DISGRACE

YET I HAVEN,T BEEN DRINKING

SINCE THAT TERRIBLE NIGHT

WHEN I TURNED THE CAR OVER

AND THE PETROL CAUGHT ALIGHT

MY WIFE AND TWO KIDS

WERE ASLEEP IN THE REAR

THEY DIDN,T STAND A CHANCE

YET I WAS THROWN CLEAR




PEOPLE KEEP ON PASSING

SOME THROW NICKLES AND DIMES

WHY DO THEY PAY ME

FOR MY TERRIBLE CRIMES




SO I SIT IN THIS GUTTER

SOMETIMES I PRAY

THAT DEATH WILL COME QUICKLY

AND TAKE MY PAIN AWAY

FOR I,VE MADE DEATH MY FRIEND NOW

HE CAN RELIEVE ME OF MY PAIN

AND SEND ME UP TO HEAVEN

TO BE A FAMILY MAN AGAIN
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8/24/2013 6:13:48 AM

thomas clark
Posts: 2
will someone please give me some views and opinions on my poem family man
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8/25/2013 5:31:18 PM

scott thirtyseven
Posts: 13
Just thinking aloud, but I'm not real keen on your rhyme kids & skids. Seems a little to easy, and possibly too cheesy. If you skidded into the gutter where you now sit, then maybe??? "...hit the skids/ sliding into this gutter/ where day after day...". Please let me know what you think.
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8/25/2013 6:48:46 PM

Sharon Morken
Posts: 133
I like this. I'm actually not huuge on reading poetry because to me it seems too many try too hard. This seems like it was a therapeutic write for you..not sure if it's from personal experience or not, but regardless, I like it. Wording and all. Has an organic feel to it.



Cheers,

Sharon
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6/20/2017 9:52:28 AM

lawrence strauss
Posts: 2
You made me feel, biggttom61. To be able to reach someone like that is a gift. Thank you for sharing your gift with me. -Lawrence
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6/20/2017 12:50:30 PM

Jerome Malenfant
Posts: 26
Minor point: You have commas where you should have apostrophes;


don,t -> don't, haven,t -> haven't, didn,t -> didn't, I,ve -> I've.
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6/26/2017 11:50:44 AM

Marley Cash-Powell
Posts: 5
I absolutely loved this line:
"MY POCKETS WERE EMPTY

EXCEPT FOR THE HOLES

MY SHOES TOOK IN THE RAIN

AND LET OUT MY TOES"




And I agree that you should play with the "skids" line a bit. I imagine you mean "skids" in the sense of veering out of control, but the fecal connotation is so strong that it's distracting. And while, the dry, sarcastic, pessimistic, and vulgar side of you may also approve this connotation, I believe this poem belongs higher than the gutter. (Yes, irony intended.) The subject matter is raw and true and poignant. I think that particular line detracts from the impact.




Otherwise, idk if this is written as an idol observer or biographical in nature, it would seem to me the latter. If that is the case, harvest your pain into more of such beauty as this, sir, and hopefully one day learn to breathe again.




-Marley
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