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8/2/2013 6:08:08 AM eve wright Posts: 4	This body of mine Is just a vessel, just a shell That has no more to tell About the real me Than a stone can determine The depth of a well This crude casing That I have been given To walk around in Doesn't fit my soul It sneers and frowns And brings me down Off my high horse It offers me no solace No place to hide This body doesn't fit
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8/10/2013 4:43:49 PM Robert Ludden Posts: 10	I'd like to see some punctuation. And your concluding stanza is somewhat abrupt. It might be effective to surprise us with something like a declaration of the value of that premise--some little twist at least, that gives us something to think about. -Dean
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8/31/2013 7:11:05 PM eve wright Posts: 4	This body of mine, Is just a vessel, just a shell, That has no more to tell, About the real me, Than a stone can determine, The depth of a well. This crude casing, That I have been given, To walk around in, Doesn't fit my soul, It sneers and frowns, And brings me down, Off my high horse. It offers me no solace, No place to hide, This body doesn't fit... However, I'm stuck with it. Surgery?
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8/31/2013 7:15:37 PM eve wright Posts: 4	Dear Dean, Thank you so much for your insightful comments, I have taken them on board and reposted an updated version including your suggestions. Some rather unimaginative punctuation I'm afraid, and a new ending - not very esoteric but closer to home! Thanks again, All the best, Eve
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9/2/2013 2:58:08 AM scott thirtyseven Posts: 13	I hope that you were going for fun, because your new ending is far more fun.
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9/14/2013 4:35:41 PM Just That Archaic Poet Posts: 89	I really love this piece, but I think you went a little overboard with the punctuation (although I agree with Dean that it need some). I think you should lengthen the third line just a bit. Here's how I think it would best read: This body of mine: Is just a vessel; just a shell, And it has no more to tell About the real me (Than a stone can determine The depth of a well) This crude casing That I have been given To walk around in... Doesn't fit my soul It sneers; it frowns, And brings me down Off my high horse It offers me no solace; No place to hide. This body doesn't fit; However, I'm stuck with it! I don't think you need a comma after every line because a comma indicates a pause, and in some places you didn't need a pause. Really, really thought this was a killer piece and "Than a stone can determine The depth of a well" are awesome verses. Hope my suggestions were of some help. Kudos on the write; loved it
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