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Forum Home » High Critique » Lies Lies Lies

For poets who want unrestricted constructive criticism. This is NOT a vanity workshop. If you do not want your poem seriously critiqued, do not post here. Constructive criticism only. PLEASE Only Post One Poem a Day!!!
10/31/2012 12:17:59 AM

Sharon Morken
Posts: 133
In the passengers seat
There's only an armrest between us
Why does it feel like a big vast sea
Your lies sink like a thousand fishhooks
You find small innocent victims,
Shred their insides
And leave them for bait
You lies could fill the sunken titanicwith stains
edited by svlynn18 on 11/8/2012
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11/3/2012 12:59:53 PM

m torroni
Posts: 4
hello?
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11/3/2012 1:00:16 PM

m torroni
Posts: 4
hello?
is anyone out there?
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11/3/2012 1:01:46 PM

m torroni
Posts: 4
npy to sure how to navigate this site yet....anyone wanna help a niggga out?
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11/3/2012 10:56:28 PM

nancy mitchell
Posts: 2
rottenbandana wrote:
npy to sure how to navigate this site yet....anyone wanna help a niggga out?


i'm out here but i'm figuring it out too. today 1st day.
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11/8/2012 12:36:29 PM

Rory Clark
Posts: 2
Hi Shannon,
Really liked the metaphor "Your lies could fill the Titanic with stains" It is a powerful choice of words and the raw emotion in the poem is clear. Only thing that I felt didn't work quite so well was the billion fishhooks line, you could replace billion with thousand and it would flow better, just my opinion though this was a great piece of imagery
Keep up the great work
Rory
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11/8/2012 8:34:59 PM

Sharon Morken
Posts: 133
Rory Clark wrote:
Hi Shannon,
Really liked the metaphor "Your lies could fill the Titanic with stains" It is a powerful choice of words and the raw emotion in the poem is clear. Only thing that I felt didn't work quite so well was the billion fishhooks line, you could replace billion with thousand and it would flow better, just my opinion though this was a great piece of imagery
Keep up the great work
Rory




Hi! I've took your suggestion. It does flow better Thanks for your feedback!
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7/6/2013 6:20:17 AM

Alexander Schwartz
Posts: 11
Gorgeous work that paints a vivid picture of something easily related to, for some.



I honestly don't see anything here, I don't like! <3

--
AlexanderMichael<3
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8/9/2013 6:27:37 PM

scott thirtyseven
Posts: 13
I liked it, it did something for me.

But I'm not sure the last line is required.
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8/19/2013 8:08:00 PM

Just That Archaic Poet
Posts: 89
I really liked the first four lines; they were quite strong, but the fifth line doesn't seem to fit for me. Instead of using the word "bait", I think, maybe, the word "chum" might be more poignant ("chum" being the nomenclature for shark bait, I think). And I agree with whomever said the last line is unnecessary, but if you feel it important to include it, I would change it to something like "your lies alone could sink an ocean liner" (using the "Titanic" specifically seems a bit trite to me). But overall, I liked your piece and with just some polishing up, could be even better. Good job and kudos; thanks for the interesting read
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8/20/2013 2:50:44 PM

Luann Pfost
Posts: 15
the images are strong. I lkie that. I agree with the last line being a problem
for me its the imagery in the last line. what does a stain look like its sort of shapeless

and weightless which does not fit with all the sinking weighted down imagery i think you are trying to express. stones might be a better word choice
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8/23/2013 12:43:55 PM

Roger Horsch
Posts: 1
svlynn18 wrote:
In the passengers seat
There's only an armrest between us
Why does it feel like a big vast sea
Your lies sink like a thousand fishhooks
You find small innocent victims,
Shred their insides
And leave them for bait
You lies could fill the sunken titanicwith stains
edited by svlynn18 on 11/8/2012
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