Ruben has offered up to me three poems that I may edit and critique. First let me preface this by saying I make no claims of being an expert or any sort of authority on the subject. I am merely going to edit it based on my own opinions and taste. I was originally going to do all three at once and post it one blog but now that I see how I am going to do it that would be way too long. I have posted the original poem below. I will then add my thoughts on the matter and take you sort of through my process and then I will post the edited poem. The edits that I make are at best nothing more than suggestions. The first poem of three I will doing is titled “It may arrive late.”
It may arrive late
hidden behind a melancholic sunset,
or inside one of those melodies, one of those scents,
that rescue the pebbles bouncing off the water,
at the beginning of those fifty moves that expect a draw,
as if the supposed king could turn the hour glass over,
or among the sparkling dust that flees from things,
we may no longer be accumulating.
It's a single moment, in a sudden, intense disclosure,
free from fear, full of answers, and eager to step in.
It's a sunbeam bursting through clouds of complacence,
of an existing situation or a redundant condition.
It may arrive late
to get rid of our weighty dreams, our dense illusions,
picking the petals off our to be's, to have's, to do's ...
and almost, at times, to wake us or wake us not.
And when it arrives, when we acknowledge and accept it,
without being able to get away from it, we could understand.
We could understand that there may be one from all
the colors that we certainly won't see again, if we ever saw them all.
Or roads to walk, books to read, songs to hum, peaches to eat ...
And we may finally see the protagonist and recognize the sketch
of our only one-time story, the real one. And you could say two;
and you could refuse the intrussion; and you could lie to yourself.
Like a broken porcelain doll in front of a cracked mirror
waking the echoes of our immune arrogance, our ephemeral victories.
And eventually, the rushing spindle of the days could lose our interest,
and the pieces of the jigsaw puzzle could not fit together.
It may arrive late, with the lights off,
fragile as an afterthought or bold to face it all.
It can last as long as a thought lasts, or persist infinitely,
as a first kiss, as the laugh of children, as a farewell ...
if I had the space I would like to take you step by step and post the poem and each interval but space is limited so you’re just going to have to bear with me here. The first thing I love to start with is to remove what is unnecessary. Again personal taste I am going to remove all the periods and comas from the end of the lines. I feel the line break is enough to denote a pause without the need for the comas and the periods are also not needed since the line at the end of the stanzas is sufficient enough to express the closure of the thought and the stanza. The next thing I would get rid of is all the and’s at the beginning of the sentences. I think they are dead weight and a line of poetry should never start with and. On the last line I am going to remove the repetitive use of the words “as” since its unnecessary. Given the that a farewell is not generally considered a happy thing its sorts of clashes with a first kiss or the laugh of a child so I would throw in the word “even.” The third line I removed “or” from the start and add “that” to the last line to give a more solid connection and flow. I rearranged the first line of the third stanza for better flow. I also rearranged the second line as well for better flow. I switched the ending of the third line. I also felt the last line was redundant of the third line and rewrote it a little to give it a better feel and expression. I removed “our” from the second line of the fourth stanzas. On the third line I changed “to be’s” to just “to be” with the quotation marks and removed the s from haves. I removed the when from the first line of the fifth stanzas, didn’t fit with the second when in the same sentence. I removed “from it” found it to be repetitive. I also deleted the “we could understand” from that line since the next line starts with that same thing. I deleted “the” from the last line thought it was unnecessary. I shortened the end of that line to “if at all”. I removed “or” from the start of the first line, unnecessary. Given that he had just use the word “see a few senstences up I changed “see” in the second line to “perceive” also enhancing the idea that the protagonist is hidden. I removed “of” and rearranged the ending to get rid of the “and” and the period. I reworded the last part of the last sentence. In the next stanza I switched the two halves of the sentence around, I also don’t believe a line should start with “like”, doing this let me delete it. removed “lasts” from the second to last line as it was repetitive. After looking at the end again of the first stanza I changed the first part to just “rescuing” to simplify. I removed “over” from the second line of the second stanza, think it’s repetitive. I added vibrant before colors to give a better feeling but any good description would work. I removed “only” form line three of the sixth stanza; repetitive. So now you end up with this
It may arrive late
hidden behind a melancholic sunset
inside one of those melodies, one of those scents
Rescuing the pebbles bouncing off the water
at the beginning of those fifty moves that expects a draw
as if the supposed king could turn the hour glass
among the sparkling dust that flees from things
that we may no longer be accumulating
It's a single moment of sudden, intense disclosure
Full of answers, fearless and eager to step in
It's a sunbeam bursting through complacent clouds
Igniting motion in the most stagnant conditions
It may arrive late
to get rid of our weighty dreams, dense illusions
picking the petals off our “to be”, to have , to do's...
almost, at times, to wake us or wake us not
it arrives, when we acknowledge and accept it
without being able to get away
We could understand that there may be one from all
Vibrant colors that we certainly won't see again, if at all
roads to walk, books to read, songs to hum, peaches to eat...
we may finally perceive the protagonist and recognize the sketch
our one-time story, the real one, though you could say two
you could refuse the intrusion; continue lying to yourself
in front of a cracked mirror, a broken porcelain doll
waking the echoes of our immune arrogance, our ephemeral victories
eventually, the rushing spindle of the days could lose our interest
the pieces of the jigsaw puzzle could not fit together
It may arrive late, with the lights off
fragile as an afterthought or bold to face it all
It can last as long as a thought, or persist infinitely
as a first kiss, the laugh of children, even a farewell ...
Again not claiming to be all knowing just my own thoughts on how I would edit. also any of the rearranging or rewriting I just did first that came to mind it would be up to ruben to perfect them in his own words. The poem itself is awesome. I tweaked it a lot finding many thing were repetitive or unnecessary but the concrete ideal behind the poem and the way he went about expressing may be somewhat raw to my own taste but its still an awesome poem. Change it, don’t change I will like either way. Thank you ruben for letting me do this and please everyone feel to leave comments stating your own opinions on the things I changed you like or things you thought that make me look dumb. I have thick skin be as mean as you care. Assuming ruben doesn’t mind all the nit picking I did I will be posting another edit of his poems.