The tears of a clown... - Deb Wilson's Blog

About Deb Wilson
(Show Details...)
Bloggers Photo

The tears of a clown...

Blog Posted:8/14/2014 12:58:00 AM

I haven't been on here much lately to my regret. It seems I have not had a lot of inspiration these days and I truly do not know why that is.I have missed writing and putting my thoughts down creatively ! And hopefully bringing enjoyment to somebody out there...yet now with this deep poems/sad'>sadness I feel over the loss of Robin Williams I feel the need to share some very personal thoughts.And hoping you will accept them in the spirit in which they were given. I too suffer from severe depression and have been diagnosed (some years ago) with bi-polar disorder.Mine is most of the time under control with medication and I have been through lots of therapy and treatment...I can say that I now live a happy and fulfilled life with lots of dear friends and the love of my family but I have been through years of heartache and misery. Not to mention being completely misunderstood and at times harshly judged by uneducated people.But I traveled my road to recovery and eventually found my way to the whole and happy being that I now am! I have learned SO much about mental illness and I try hard through organizations I belong to and just by talking to people and telling my story to enlighten folks and let them know that mental illness is nothing to be ashamed of and it is so much more common than you realize...Also it is not something you choose to have any more than  you would heart disease or diabetes or any other illness.The endearing clown Robin Williams who made us laugh so much and who personally always cheered me up hid his pain and it hurts me to know this...I wish I could have sat on my front porch with him and talked about anything and everything.There have been horrible comments about his selfishness and cowardice for taking his own life and that just makes me so angry! Depression or any other mental illness is not something you can control without some kind of just isn't. We need to educate ourselves and not judge so terribly that which we either don't understand or have not yet experienced...and thank God for that too...I love you all and hope to be on here alot more often just like I used to be.I miss you! Bless you and thanks for and big bear hugs...Deb

Please Login to post a comment
Date: 8/18/2014 5:22:00 PM
Hi Deb, Thank you for your lovely, intense, profound words, written from the heart by someone who understands. Only from the depths of despair can someone drag themselves up. Sometimes the going gets a little too tough and the effort seems unsurmountable. Some get tired, give up. Others manage to struggle back over the precipice, only to look down - then at those around them who have been waiting - and quip, "WOW! WHAT A RIDE" They don't see the anguish, the pain, the hurt and the utter desolation... they are just happy to see you back to your normal "clown self". Welcome back. I don't know you, but I have been to those lonely, silent places too.. where the silence screams loud.
Login to Reply
Date: 8/15/2014 5:11:00 PM
Oh Deb...Bless you for sharing this!!! I'm so proud of you for being courageous enough to speak out. We are FB friends so you know my thoughts and feelings about this. I speak out bring awareness. There is no shame in admitting the need for outside intervention. I know how you feel...I've been there too. I'm sending you bear hugs, my dear. I applaud you. I'm heartbroken over Robin as well....The world just doesn't understand what it's like to be on the edge, tired of it all, and unable to go on. Empathy is a rare thing. XOXOXO
Login to Reply
Date: 8/15/2014 12:16:00 AM
I'm so glad your condition is under control with medication. I suppose other things made even the medications not work for Robin Williams. Yes, shame on those who talk about him cruelly. I have always been a very upbeat person myself, but last year was so bad for me financially and in other ways, i started to relate with how depressed people must feel on a regular basis, and it's a terrible feeling. I could honestly realize how feeling that way constantly in one's life would make one not want to live a long time. A very fine blog, dear.
Login to Reply
Date: 8/14/2014 3:58:00 PM
The courage to share your own personal struggle, will help someone else..perhaps here, within our soup family.I applaud you for sharing your own story. This is the perfect time, when this tragedy is in everyone's mind, for it often opens eyes, and gains better attention, when it involves someone who is so well known and loved.We need to talk about it, not resist it, not be afraid to mention it.Mental illness is in every family, in some form or another, let's face touches each life just as cancer or heart disease, in some way, often it is someone we love. Good for you for creating this dialogue today! We can take the first steps to awareness more than ever, given this opportunity.
Login to Reply
Date: 8/14/2014 11:48:00 AM
Hi Deb, thank you for sharing this part of you with us--- that is really good to know that you were able to get the love and support from your loved ones & that you are happy...I agree with what you say about trying not to judge people-- we never truly do know what is going on with others' lives, & what we tell others can break them, yes it's hard not to judge sometimes, but we should at least try to put ourselves in their shoes, I think this could help in trying to be more sympathetic. Robin's death also brings to light the dangers of depression, it's a wake up call, it shouldn't be taken lightly, let's be more aware of the people around us, be more feeling towards others. God bless you Deb
Login to Reply
Date: 8/14/2014 9:25:00 AM
What a brave and loving blog you have here... I love what you have said and how you have said it. But, I am the daughter of a mother who committed suicide .. and the anguish I felt when she died only dimmed, never truly left me. Suicide is a desperate act brought on by unbearable pain and a loss of the ability to properly reason. It is, however, an act that only sees self. I am NOT saying it is self-ish. I am saying that loved ones would never do this act if they were able to see BEYOND SELF at that moment when they choose to take their lives. Loving people can still commit suicide.. but they do not see the devastation they leave behind. I had so much anger, at first. Now just sorrow...xoxo
Login to Reply
Manassian Avatar
Eileen Manassian
Date: 8/15/2014 5:25:00 PM
Deb....Deb...I'm glad your sister was able to help pull you back. I'm so sorry that your heart sorry. How can people break hearts and not think of consequences? I'm so happy that you are well and happy now. :) Your sister felt pain at seeing you suffer...there in the hospital...but I'm sure that her love for you never faltered. Keep speaking out and bringing awareness. You are touching lives...and helping people understand...THEY ARE NOT ALONE! Hugs...
Manassian Avatar
Eileen Manassian
Date: 8/15/2014 5:22:00 PM
It seems the only way out. I've read an article on this...about accountability and about how God sees this. The author, a Bible scholar, stated that it was his belief that God will not hold a person accountable for something he/she has done when their reasoning power has been compromised due to severe pain. There is hope...even for those who go this route. Cyndi...I hope I haven't said anything offensive. I wish I could give you a hug and take some of your pain....I've told my daughter once..."If for any reason I 'go' remember that I'm no longer in pain and be happy for me. Life is too tough." Crazy?
Manassian Avatar
Eileen Manassian
Date: 8/15/2014 5:17:00 PM
So sorry Cyndi for your loss. I can't even begin to understand the pain you went through. The person who wants to end it sometimes thinks that those who are left behind will be better off without him/her. Remember that...I know. You think...after a period of grieving they will deal better without the constant struggles that I put them through with this. So...selfish? I don't could could also be a way of leaving peace. Remember, the moment...reasoning is compromised...the pain is too great.
Wilson Avatar
Deb Wilson
Date: 8/14/2014 10:12:00 AM
Some years ago I went through a terrible break fact I was literally left at the altar on my wedding day. I was so angry and wrapped up in despair all at the same time..and I snapped...I attempted suicide and nearly dear sister was called long distance and told I probably would not make it thru the night.She drove for hours to come to the hospital and I finally woke up to her grasping my hand and weeping.What I did to her was terrible but I never considered the pain this would cause.I only wanted to sink into nothingness.I regret it to this day but I know I didn't do it to hurt her.I have learned much over these years and a quote I really love says "Don't use a terrible solution to a temporary problem...there is always some sort of hope " xoxo
Wilson Avatar
Deb Wilson
Date: 8/14/2014 9:58:00 AM
Thank you Cyndi for your loving comments...I most certainly agree that people in the dark throes of depression cannot even see the devastation they will leave behind yet at these times they usually are just unable to...S0 sorry for your pain of losing your mom ...some things seem nearly impossible to accept. Yet I know from my own experiences and that of others that these people still love very much it's just that the unbearable pain makes it impossible to truly feel anything but despair. Depression is a cruel master...Bless you Cyndi...
MacMillan Avatar
Cyndi MacMillan
Date: 8/14/2014 9:34:00 AM
PS Continued... so I went home. Talked to my husband, told him Robin Williams will be dead before the year is up. And he said, "you're reading too much into it because of your own experiences." and I said, "I saw his pain. How couldn't they? It was right below the surface. His smile, laugh, act... all forced out of him... like he HAD to be a certain Robin." I wanted so badly to be wrong. His death is so sad.
MacMillan Avatar
Cyndi MacMillan
Date: 8/14/2014 9:34:00 AM
PS ... last reply ... Depression is no different than cancer and the stigma attached to it MUST END. We need to talk about it. We need to support all those who have it. We need to help others understand. love to ya, Deb. Thank YOU!!!
MacMillan Avatar
Cyndi MacMillan
Date: 8/14/2014 9:30:00 AM
PS--just a few weeks ago I was working out and Robin was on the tv at the fitness club... no sound. Closed captioned was on. I STARTED TO CRY. Not sobs, just misted eyes I had to keep swiping. See, I COULD SEE IT. He was performing for them like a trained seal. They put up Mork.. and there was something HUNTED in his eyes. The crowd was laughing and here I was crying...
MacMillan Avatar
Cyndi MacMillan
Date: 8/14/2014 9:27:00 AM
The one person I know who said that Robin Williams' suicide was selfish had HIMSELF lost someone through suicide... so his anger (though also misunderstood) comes from a place of personal pain and heartbreak.
Date: 8/14/2014 7:46:00 AM
Depression is a very greatly misunderstood illness. I have two close relatives that suffer from it and both take meds for it. Thanks for sharing ....
Login to Reply

My Past Blog Posts

Wishing everyone an awesome 2015 !
Date Posted: 12/29/2014 10:16:00 PM
The tears of a clown...
Date Posted: 8/14/2014 12:58:00 AM
Wishing you all an awesome 4th of July !
Date Posted: 7/3/2014 11:46:00 PM
Home and doing fine!
Date Posted: 5/25/2014 1:32:00 PM
I need your positive thoughts...
Date Posted: 5/18/2014 1:15:00 AM
Happy St. Patrick's Day !
Date Posted: 3/17/2014 8:22:00 AM
What is your favorite song ?
Date Posted: 2/17/2014 4:22:00 AM
Colloquialisms...local flavor?
Date Posted: 2/4/2014 10:34:00 PM
Best wishes for a happy New Year!
Date Posted: 12/29/2013 11:04:00 PM
Merry Christmas to everyone!!
Date Posted: 12/24/2013 8:36:00 PM
short story contest
Date Posted: 12/19/2013 5:14:00 AM
Is there such a thing as getting Christmas spirit too early??
Date Posted: 11/22/2013 1:39:00 AM
new contest... The Perfect Christmas Gift
Date Posted: 11/19/2013 5:39:00 PM
Crossing That Bridge contest is judged and posted...
Date Posted: 11/6/2013 3:25:00 AM
I now have a new contest posted......"Crossing That Bridge"
Date Posted: 10/23/2013 4:43:00 PM
So awesome to be with you all again...
Date Posted: 10/12/2013 1:51:00 AM
Here is a funny story to make Frank chuckle and feel better!
Date Posted: 7/20/2013 2:27:00 PM
The Doctor and The Lawyer
Date Posted: 6/20/2013 4:30:00 AM
Computers:Male or Female??
Date Posted: 6/17/2013 6:08:00 PM
Some One- Liners For Ya
Date Posted: 5/16/2013 11:30:00 PM
Sorry I haven't been around much lately...
Date Posted: 5/13/2013 11:57:00 PM
Deep hidden meaning (NOT) in this raspberry!!!
Date Posted: 4/29/2013 5:14:00 AM
Here is a stinker of mine!!
Date Posted: 4/25/2013 3:10:00 PM
The Rainbow Bridge
Date Posted: 4/21/2013 6:26:00 AM
Happy Easter to each one of you
Date Posted: 3/29/2013 9:56:00 PM

My Recent Poems

Date PostedPoemTitleFormCategories
2/8/2016 A Peaceful Easy Feeling Rhymemusic,peace,
2/8/2016 In Love With The One Who Always Makes Me Laugh Rhymejoy,soulmate,true love,
9/8/2015 Justice For The Four Legged Ones Rhymeabuse,animal,planet,
9/8/2015 Self Inflicted Foggy Harbor Coupletdepression,suicide,
9/1/2015 A Walk In The Park Free versefeelings,granddaughter,gr
7/26/2015 Love In A Far Off Place-Sail Around The World Rhymeadventure,love,ocean,soul
7/25/2015 Be Happy Rhymehappiness,life,
6/7/2015 Five Fun Footles Footleanimal,funny,
5/28/2015 A Life Painted With Poetry-A Poet's Worth Rhymeidentity,poets,writing,
5/28/2015 Donut Shop Jingle Coupletfood,happy,
5/18/2015 Send Them Straight To Hellfire Coupletanger,animal,children,evi
5/18/2015 A Tabby Named Garfield Rhymecat,character,humor,
5/13/2015 Lovelight Rhymeboyfriend,love,
5/13/2015 Learning The Language Of Dolphins Rhymeadventure,ocean,
5/13/2015 Call Me Firestarter Coupletschool,teenage,
5/10/2015 I Am A Swan Rhymebird,hope,love,
4/19/2015 Warm Campfire Memories Rhymefriendship,memory,
4/16/2015 My Story--Deb Wilson Rhymeforgiveness,life,self,
3/7/2015 Comes An Angel's Light Free verseangel,fear,hope,
2/27/2015 My Baby Is A Toe Curler Rhymefeelings,love,lust,passio
2/18/2015 The Sixties Rhymeamerica,music,time,war,
2/10/2015 Pages In The Book Of My Life Rhymeadventure,life,
2/7/2015 Life Is Like A Maypole Coupletbeauty,dance,joy,
1/26/2015 Punxy Phil I Am Rhymeanimal,spring,winter,
1/18/2015 A Place In The Sun Coupletblessing,god,jesus,love,
1/17/2015 Canyons Of The Heart Rhymefeelings,happiness,hope,
1/13/2015 Hope Is A Beautifully Feathered Bird Diminished Hexaversehope,life,
1/4/2015 This Year Quintain (English)hope,new year,
1/3/2015 Summer Coupletbeach,summer,sun,
1/2/2015 Chance For Renewal Rhymegrowth,hope,new year,
12/2/2014 Captain Of Our Own Ship Rhymedepression,encouraging,ho
9/8/2014 Pets Should Be Beloved Not Beaten Rhymeanger,pets,
9/1/2014 Love And Laughter Tankafunny love,smile,
8/31/2014 Summer's End Coupletautumn,beauty,seasons,sum
7/25/2014 elixer of passion Senryulove,passion,
7/21/2014 The Cat's Meow And Then Some Coupletcat,heartbroken,passion,
6/26/2014 The Cougar With The Green Thumb Limerickfunny,garden,sexy,
6/24/2014 My Greenest Heaven Coupletappreciation,beauty,mount
6/8/2014 Magnificent Beings Of The Sea Rhymebeautiful,fantasy,sea,
6/5/2014 Destiny Haikudream,future,self,
3/24/2014 Tanka For Chris Tankahumor,joy,
3/23/2014 The Years Had Stolen Her Smile Rhymeage,death,depression,
3/20/2014 Squandered Heart Rhymebetrayal,break up,lost lo
3/14/2014 When Fur Flies And Worlds Collide Rhymecat,dog,funny,
3/13/2014 Memories On Branches Coupletchange,nature,seasons,
3/9/2014 Life Lessons Coupletangst,life,
3/9/2014 Petey's Magical Lizard Rhymechildren,fantasy,
3/9/2014 Who You Callin' Fattie-A Limerick Limerickfunny love,husband,
3/9/2014 Imagine This-First Date,First Kiss Rhymedad,daughter,mother,teen,
3/8/2014 Guests On This Earth Rhymebeautiful,earth,nature,
3/8/2014 Crystal Clear Tapestry Rhymeage,growth,joy,
3/3/2014 The Umbrella Effect Rhymelove,people,world,
3/2/2014 Badly Bent Not Broken Rhymeboyfriend,heartbroken,los
2/26/2014 A Child's Bermuda Memories Rhymeadventure,beauty,children
2/22/2014 Feel The Moon Rhymeanti bullying,introspecti
2/17/2014 Time Is Of The Essence Rhymerude,self,time,
2/17/2014 My Glorious Secret Garden Free versebeauty,garden,
2/16/2014 The Butterfly Whisperer Balladapril,butterfly,may,sprin
2/15/2014 Whispers Of Light Rhymeangel,fear,love,
2/15/2014 Feeling The Love-Perfect Harmony Rhymedevotion,love,
2/13/2014 Breezes Over Bridges Rhymedepression,introspection,
2/6/2014 Song Of A New Season Quintain (English)seasons,spring,sun,
2/6/2014 Born Of His Spirit Rhymedevotion,jesus,love,
2/5/2014 Emma Kimograndmother,love,
1/30/2014 Essence Of Your Love Rhymelove,passion,
1/23/2014 Love Is a Joyous Promise Coupletlove,passion,
1/21/2014 Through My Midnight Window Kimointrospection,night,
1/21/2014 Let Her Life Bloom Free versecourage,growth,hope,
1/19/2014 Sundown of Love Rhymeangst,heartbroken,love hu
1/17/2014 To Love In Weakness Or Grow Strong Rhymeheartbroken,love,
1/14/2014 Let Your Path Lead Back To Me Coupletheartbroken,love hurts,mi
1/12/2014 night moves Senryudark,dream,night,
1/11/2014 Ablaze With Imaginings Of The Soul Free verseimagination,night,writing
1/11/2014 eyes of beauty Haikubeautiful,cat,love,pets,
1/11/2014 Month of the Garnet Rhymehope,january,
1/9/2014 Diamonds In The Sky Rhymefeelings,light,sky,
1/6/2014 Mr Lonely Lyricbreak up,moving on,music,
1/6/2014 Sun Dancing Tankacelebration,dance,sun,
1/6/2014 White-Knuckled Courage Coupletcourage,depression,happin
12/30/2013 When Love Does Not Spell Passion Coupletfeelings,passion,sorrow,
12/29/2013 Bird In A Tux Personificationanimal,sea,
12/24/2013 A Child's Christmas Coupletchildhood,christmas,
12/19/2013 After The Storm Coupleti love you,joy,
12/17/2013 Santa Let Me Be The Giver Epicchristmas,giving,
12/5/2013 Purple Majesty Free versecolor,mountains,
12/2/2013 Six-Stringed Miracle Rhymebeautiful,joy,music,
11/26/2013 THANKSGIVING GRATITUDE Acrosticthanksgiving,
11/26/2013 Quite The Conceited Cook Rhymefood,jealousy,
11/24/2013 Loving The Season Versecelebration,christmas,sea
11/24/2013 Touch Like Fire Rhymelust,passion,
11/22/2013 Painting A Picture With Sister In It Rhymelove,sister,
11/22/2013 Christmas Magic Rhymechristmas,family,friend,
11/21/2013 Tragic Holidays Tankabereavement,christmas,hus
11/18/2013 Transcend Rhymei love you,journey,
11/18/2013 The Warmth In A Winter's Night Quintain (English)eve,love,winter,
11/18/2013 notes from above Monokuhope,music,
11/16/2013 Dazzling Fragrance Of The Rain Rhymebeautiful,rain,
11/16/2013 Love Is Many Splendored Rhymeheart,love,
11/12/2013 A Torn Heart Lives On Coupletbest friend,death,sorrow,
11/10/2013 Loving The Night--SF Free verselove,night,passion,

My Photos

Fav Poems

No Fav Poems Selected

Fav Poets

Andrea Dietrich United States Flag United States Read
Joyce Johnson United States Flag United States Read
Poet Destroyer A United States Flag United States Read
Carrie Richards United States Flag United States Read
Seren Roberts United Kingdom Flag United Kingdom Read
Deb Wilson United States Flag United States Read