Best Natalie The Rogue Rhymer Poems

Below are the all-time best Natalie The Rogue Rhymer poems as chosen by PoetrySoup members

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My Slutty Aunt's Wedding

I shook my head
Knew the day’d be messy
Some poor sap
Was marrying my Aunt Bessie

She’d slept with half of Brooklyn
Flaunting her exploits all through town
The mayor, the banker, the deli clerk
Even the birthday party clown

A wedding gown, so fitted
Her bellybutton showed
Boobs shoved up high enough
To violate building code

Minutes before the shindig
She pulled me on the roof
Snatched a flask from her garter belt
Downing one hundred ninety proof

She wanted to call it off
No way she could comply
To promise for all her life
To only screw one guy

I told her she could do it
Like many other people do
She finally calmed down 
And made her wedding day debut 

She stumbled down the aisle
Tripping on her gown
Her daddy kept her steady
‘til the pastor stared her down

She blushed but pulled together 
Long enough to give her vows
After the ceremonial kiss
Everyone went to carouse

Letting loose at the reception
She danced with all the boys
Twirling, flashing, grinning
Making all kinds of noise

I’d like to say things ended well
That monogamy she would master
But before the night was over
She got naked with the pastor

For Andrea's "Show Me the Funny" Contest

Copyright © Natalie The Rogue Rhymer | Year Posted 2012

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Wistful Aging

Age gracefully…that’s what I’ll do
Going to ignore the lines, how about you?
Inner beauty is what really counts
I happen to love my drooping mounts

Absolutely no Botox or fillers for me
Another varicose vein, Yipee
I’ll learn to love myself, no matter what
I will forever have my untucked gut

Graceful and elegant, that’s what I am
I will tell those cosmetic companies to scram
Lip plumping or lipo…no darn way!
And as for my hair…I will let it go gray

Facelifts are for the weak, you know
I happen to adore the feet of the crow
I’ll snub my reflection, chuckling a little at me…
For shunning pricey moisturizers provides me with glee 

I don’t need any convertible or flashy car
My beauty shines really brightly, from afar 
Who cares about the rolls, seeming to multiply each day?
No staples for me, I don’t care what I weigh

Dark circles make my eyes look cute
And those saddlebags are really a hoot
Juvederm and Radiance ….what a waste
On this mug, parentheses DO have a place

Lasik-I sincerely think not
That bifocal look is certainly hot
A new boytoy-There will be none of that
Though I’m sure he’d dig my charming back fat

The bell, oh no, I don’t mean to be crass
I guess I dozed off in Algebra Class
I must have been close to 40 in that frightful dream
And I was just about to let off a really loud scream

Nevertheless, my dear friends, I do so solemnly vow
To go off and age gracefully…at least for now
That's need for the third degree
I promise to not get my first brow lift…until I’m at least 23

Copyright © Natalie The Rogue Rhymer | Year Posted 2011

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It's Complicated

Yelled at her ex
Wild rough sex next
Complex friendship

Copyright © Natalie The Rogue Rhymer | Year Posted 2011

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Streaking at the Mall

Eddie went to the mall full of spunk
He was always real proud of his junk
While taking a leak
Decided to streak
Suzie yelled, “Mommy, he has a trunk”

Copyright © Natalie The Rogue Rhymer | Year Posted 2012

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Jealousy in Unexpected Places

I’m really not a jealous person. I am happy for those who are fortunate in life.  If I see a lady who has a beautiful family that loves her, I am happy for her.   When a guy pull up in a fully restored ’57 Chevy convertible, complete w/ vanity license plates reading “AHH YEAH”, I’m happy for him. I have met two people in my life who have won large lottery jackpots, and I was very happy for them. Even when I see a drop-dead gorgeous exotic looking young woman wearing Chanel and four and a half inch Jimmy Choos, I am delighted for her.  Seriously, I’m just not an envious person by nature.

Yesterday, my tire blew out. While I was waiting for my husband, I went into a local pub.  A nice girl, Jenna, started a conversation with me. She was missing all four of her front teeth!   We somehow started talking about dieting, and she told me that it is impossible for her to gain weight. She mentioned she weighed 102 lbs. and that she would love to gain at least 5 pounds but just couldn’t. She complained about how her metabolism was just “too high.” I’m sitting there with that old country song playing in my head...“A metabolism too high…What’s that mean? It’s like too much money, no such thing.” 

Ironically, it happened to be karaoke evening.   Once the festivities started, I clinged to the hope that my DVR was working and recording American Idol so I could watch it when I got home. “Big Matt” was up first singing George Straits. He was actually good. We all clapped. Next, it was Jenna.

I watched Jenna sing. In a world where if most of us had the misfortune to lose even one of our teeth, we would not leave the house unless it was to be fitted with our Davinci Veneers, this gal was poised and confident. She sang beautifully.

I found myself actually envious of this young woman. Not, however, for the reason you think. I found myself envious of her confidence.  Despite her appearance, she sang with passion, poise and enthusiasm. Even missing all four of those front teeth, she could get up in front of that crowd and dazzle us all with her nice voice and pleasant demeanor.

As my husband came to my rescue, I left smiling. 
I left smiling knowing that there are people like Jenna in this world. 
I left smiling knowing that I do give people the benefit of the doubt. 
I left smiling knowing that I do always look for the best others. 
I left smiling knowing it is possible for me to be jealous of a young woman who is missing her front teeth.

Copyright © Natalie The Rogue Rhymer | Year Posted 2011

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I Just Can't Win

My wife said our sex life, ”Is always the same…”
“You need to spice things up, and rekindle our flame”

So I got onto the net and researched lots of stuff
I took tons of notes and soon…I had enough

I went to “Trickie’s Tricks” with a list a mile long
I even skipped around, humming a naughty little song

So my wife came home from work and entered the scene
I sported a mankini and mask…she started to scream

I chased with a feather in one hand and whip in the other
She dashed from the room, crying loudly for her mother

She slipped on the rose petals…the candles fell to the floor
I reached for massage lotion as she darted out the door

She left me hot and bothered, much to my chagrin
Whatever I do, I feel I just can’t win!

So next time… I’ll ignore her rebuffs
Tomorrow night, I’ll whip out the cuffs

Copyright © Natalie The Rogue Rhymer | Year Posted 2011

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Lee Ramage-Our random plea

My Dearest Lee…How we miss thee!
Please come back…here is our plea…
If you’d come back, we agree…
To eat cold Brussels sprouts and a pea
To swim across the Yellow sea
To take you on a shopping spree
To suck the stinger from a bee
To take you to Vail and let you ski
To shine your name on a marquee
To rig you kids’ spelling bee
To let you race in the Grand Prix
To arrange with the queen, afternoon tea
To kick Chris and Frank in the knee
To give up our glass of Chablis
To let you win every game of yahtzee
To run around naked, like a banshee 
Lee, please come back and hear our plea
Then we will all be yellin’ “YIPPEE”

*Now Lee…we would never really kick Chris and Frank in the knee b/c we love them dearly but the rest is true :)  We really miss your style of poetry…your message pieces…your unique way of telling a story.  Please come back to us my dear.  

By:  Natalie The Rogue Rhymer :)

Copyright © Natalie The Rogue Rhymer | Year Posted 2012

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To-Susan, From-Natalie

Her poetry is edgy

She is untamed…fierce…tempestuous

She will not sell herself short and conform… 
but is able to when needs to or she feels like it

She writes about everything from teddy bears to Viagra

She has a positive soul and a friendly demeanor

She is amazingly creative! 

And she even has a way to get very conservative members to make
positive comments on naughty dr. office poems :)

The contests she sponsors are wild, feral, and brilliant

She is not afraid to tell it like it is

She is passionate….She is luminous

She is Susan Burch…and she is my hero!

Copyright © Natalie The Rogue Rhymer | Year Posted 2011

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Arrogant Bait

True arrogant bait
Someone I'd never date
He lured me to his game
My sanity…his claim
Passion hijacking my thoughts
Drafting erratic plots
No one I could tell
A selfish little spell
Risks so uncalculated
Common sense castrated
He plead for it not to end
I could no longer pretend
Cashing in lust for security
Stacking chips of maturity
Then I heard the news 
True darkness he did choose
Cruel relief it did provide
For my secret also died

*For Lewis' "It's a beautiful affair" contest
July 1, 2016

Copyright © Natalie The Rogue Rhymer | Year Posted 2016

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The Granny Rap

Granny tries rap
Wears ballcap back
"Yo Pap you dap"

Copyright © Natalie The Rogue Rhymer | Year Posted 2011