The On Who Survives Contest
Sponsor: Sara Kendrick
couldn't save her
live to tell her story
I'm a suicide survivor
~Date Written: February 5, 2016~
*** I call myself a suicide survivor not because I tried to take my own life and lived to tell the story, but because I have lost a close family member to suicide, therefore I am a suicide survivor***
Copyright © Laura Loo | Year Posted 2016
“Pull the Trigger”
Waking up from dreams that seemed like reality
Tormenting my brain with thoughts of trigger actions
Fantasy land is a place for laughter and peaceful serenity
Reality has no happiness for painful reminders shake me with open eyes
Fields of wild flowers consume my peaceful dreams
Birds singing of love while the winds softly whisper
Leaves cascading through the air I breathe allowing myself to smile
I wish I could stay in the world where my mind is at peace with my soul
The darkness surrounding my inner self won’t allow my conscience to rest
Every day the struggle to survive one more day to breathe, to laugh, to love
Running to escape the quicksand beneath my feet so that I may find solid ground
Trying to save this pathetic smile so that one day it might be visible by the eyes staring at me
Windmills turn with the wind like my imagination conjures up ways to escape
Always considering my options of how my life can turn to dust
So tired of being the one on the outside looking through the window of suicide
Let this sacred heart be free to float away as I pull the trigger ending this consuming sickness
Copyright © Brian Stoaks | Year Posted 2016
So, you are used to me writing poetry but today it’s more like my thoughts for others to read. I need to clear my head of these constant roller coaster emotions. Today was just one of those days I was smiling from ear to ear and then in a sudden instant a trigger happened that caused me to be somewhat depressive. I know what my triggers are but it’s not something I have ever shared with anyone nor will I. I know who reads my poetry and my writings and I don’t want to be judged by something I have no control over.
Triggers are just that. A thought or emotion can trigger a reaction in your brain that can cause many different emotions. Losing a loved one can cause sadness, grief, hurt, or in some cases depression. Gaining someone in your life after 26 years can trigger so many different emotions. Happiness, joy, etc. Sorry brain went flat as I was caught up in happiness. Laughing to myself as it’s hard to stump me.
So for me so many things can cause a trigger in me to cause me so many different thoughts, actions, feelings, and moods. Today so many triggers happened all within a span of just a few hours that set my world in an uncontrollable spin. This caused so anxiety and some serious depression.
I have a bad habit of over reacting and becoming defensive when there’s no need to. Been this way my entire life. Trying to get a handle of it has been nothing but a lost cause so I’ve just learned to deal with it. For you readers let me say it’s not HEALTHY! Over reactions can cause fights, death, lies, bad decisions, among a few things that can occur.
How do you fight off over reacting? Well I was taught to think. Think before speaking or showing an action. Assume the worst in every decision you make. Wow I wish I could live by that. I am an extremely honest person and some times that can cause a reaction from those you’re honest with. Sometimes my honesty can cause the loss of a great friend or even a spouse. Lying is never the better alternative.
Back to triggers. So right now I am lost by my own triggers. Someone special came back into my life after 26 years. I have been like a child the past 3 days smiling from ear to ear. Waiting for my phone to ding from an email or ring from a phone call. At one point in my day I became extremely depressed and the happiness went away. I thought to myself what triggered it? Then I figured it out and felt as stupid as could be, what is it? What’s your trigger Brian. Laughing while repeating it’s my trigger get your own laughing.
So, through my life this trigger has happened a lot. In my past this trigger would cause a suicide attempt. First time I was 16 years old. I took bottle of Advil and went to bed, Woke up feeling old and walked very slow.
When I was 19 I snorted comet and drank cleaning fluids thinking it would kill me. Man, same trigger.
When I was 31 I took a bunch of prescribed medication given to me by someone else to help me sleep. I fought hard that night just to go to sleep and I still woke up. Again, feeling old and walking slow. Same trigger.
When I was 37 I took 72 Tylenol PMS but didn’t drink the fifth of Vodka I had bought to make sure I finally ended a miserable life. I was saved by someone I was trying to escape from. Again, same trigger.
Why do I tell you these personal things about my life? Because depression is caused by triggers. You just have to beat the triggers and learn how to deal with them. I now write every time I have a trigger. It’s not always a depressive trigger that causes me to write. But today was a trigger none the less as to why I am writing about them.
So if you are depressive like myself please figure out what your trigger is. You can beat your trigger. It’s not easy believe me, but you can beat your triggers. It’s just hard some times for life would be easier for me if at least one trigger would finally end all triggers and was allowed to live eternally in the arms of God. But as long as I am here on Earth I have those who love me and depend on me to be stronger then any trigger. I am a dad, a brother, an uncle, a friend, a grandfather, and most of all Gods child meant to live out His purpose. What ever that is. Laughing.
May His angels watch over you as you sleep, as you wake, and as you live every second of your life. There’s a star above your head. Reach up and grab it. Make a wish, say a prayer, and may all these things come true. I love you. God loves you, we should all love each other. Good night, God bless you, and sweet dreams.
Copyright © Brian Stoaks | Year Posted 2016
September 26, 2015
Kansas City, Mo
Stephen Becker pen name Brian Stoaks
Here I am shouting from me knees to the heavens above
Can you hear me as I shout to you from the ground beneath you
I'm screaming for your healing hands trying to escape from your punishment
Do I matter to you at all when You say I will come again to take you home
Digging my heels into this mud beneath my feet I shout for your attention
I feel as if I am the forgotten soul you created but traded to the devil
Why say you love me when here I am begging to feel alive
Is the book of your words a fiction based on story tellers misguided
With my fingers tearing at the eyes to stop the ever flowing rains of tears
I pray to you for you to hear my voice of reasoning just for once in my life
I ask you to lift me up and heal me of this great pain that envelops my mind
For either heal me now creator of life or let me finally end this painful existence
I stare into the space Christians call home and see nothing but vast emptiness
All my life I have suffered from the hands of evil while you were ignoring my pleas
I am here now a child of the creator willing to sacrifice this forgotten soul
As my tears shall return into the sand to be washed away like blood stained streets
Copyright © Brian Stoaks | Year Posted 2015