The Night Nasty Jack Met His Match - Both Audio and Text

This is a tale of one of the orneriest dudes there ever was, and how someone much smaller, but easily more clever than he was, managed to cope with his belligerence. The Night Nasty Jack Met His Match No one knew just what to do that sultry summer evening, as things were fairly peaceful at the “One-Eyed Jack Saloon,” When, through the swinging tavern doors, a scary figure strode, and someone whispered cautiously…“That’s Nasty Jack Muldoon!” Known by reputation on the wildest side of town for being quite a scoundrel, with a mean streak unsurpassed, A badger’s disposition - and the quickness of a snake - every crazy fool who’d fought with Jack had come in last! Not exactly sober when he stumbled in that night, and just as mean and ornery as he always liked to be, As I sat there…minding my own business…all alone, he sauntered up and actually growled, while glaring down at me, “Mister…I’m a thirsty man, and I came here to drink, an’ I think you should buy ol’ Jack a big ol’ shot o’ rye! Unless, o’ course…you’d rather not become a friend o’ mine.” And then just stood there…staring at me…with his only eye! Yes…that’s right…the guy had only one hypnotic eye. The other eye was sewed up tight with little bits of thread Dangling from the socket. Man…it almost made me puke…and I was actually trembling hard when he leaned down and said, “What’s it gonna be?” Then snarled, “You wanna be my friend…or ain’t ol’ Nasty Jack Muldoon quite good enough for you?” “Sure,” I said, “you’re good enough.” Then turned and faced the bar, and did what any man with any common sense would do. “Barkeep…I would like to buy this gentleman a drink,” I said - in what I felt to be my - very bravest voice. Then noticed, as I glanced around, the crowd was thinning down…and knew without a doubt that I had made the better choice. “What ‘ll ya’ have?” the barkeep asked. And Jack would turn and say, “I’ll have a shot o’ rye. No…make that two. And make it fast.” Obediently, the barkeep hurried off to fix his drinks, and when he sat the glasses down in front of him, at last, Nasty Jack took one in either hand and dumped them down, then smiled to show me all his missing teeth and slapped my back. “Hey…you’re the kind of friend I like,” he slobbered down at me, “and now it’s time to buy another drink for Nasty Jack!” That was when the barkeep finally chose to intervene, and said, “Hey Jack… I think it’s time you bought a drink for him.” Jack exploded, “You ain’t got no call for buttin’ in! See...this here’s just a friendship kind o’ thing - ‘twixt me an’ ‘slim.’ ” “Slim,” of course, was me. I weighed a hundred forty-five when soaking wet, and stood…in boots…just under 5 foot 6! My face was rather delicate. I’d never had a fight…and only went to bars like this in hopes of meeting chicks! “What’s it gonna be,” he roared? “Are you an’ me still friends?” I saw the eye, and stuttered back, “Well, sure…of course we are. One more time,” I told the barkeep. What was I to do? I looked around to find…we were the last three in the bar! “Nasty Jack,” the barkeep snarled, “you’re getting on my nerves. You’ve chased away my customers, and now…you’re stealin’ shots. If you don’t leave right now I’m gonna call a friend of mine, who’ll knock your other eyeball out, and tie you up in knots.” Well I was more than horrified to hear him talk that way to someone who was very drunk, and known to be insane, And I was not surprised when Nasty Jack just looked at him and said, “Hey, bring it on, ‘cause, when I’m drunk…I feel no pain.” The barkeep flipped his cell phone out and calmly made a call. He said, “Hey, Carla…I could use some help here…at the club. Come on down and throw this fat, obnoxious moron out. And when you tear his arm off…you can beat him…with the stub.” Jack was so incensed that he was spitting as he screamed, “I swear, I’m gonna kill that broad the second she walks in, ‘Cause I’m the toughest fightin’ man the world has ever seen, and though I’ve lost an eye…and twenty teeth…I always win.” “You’re not going to win this time,” the barkeep smugly said. “And here she is right now,” he yelled. Jack twirled to face the door. And that’s when they were introduced…‘round seven twenty-five: A one eyed, toothless scumbag…met a 5 foot two by four! The call had been a fake one. See…this “Carla” didn’t exist. But, cleverly, the barkeep had distracted Nasty Jack Long enough to arm himself with what he’d need to use to render him unconscious…and to put him on his back! Seeing him defenseless - like some garbage on the floor - the fear I’d known subsided, so I proudly raised my glass, Then slammed that Shirley Temple down, and barked at where he lay…“You’re lucky someone else stepped in.....before I kicked your ***!” BTW: I plan to post many of my AUDIO files on the soup over the next few months, most from my 4 new AUDIO-CDs, along with many more text files from my books of verse. (Only a few CDs and books left -- 1-11-21). Because, as with most academically undisciplined poets, depending entirely on the mood I’m in at writing time, my pieces vary greatly from meaninglessly comical to meaningfully poignant, and a few are, admittedly, irreverent. If you happen to enjoy “traditional verse” - and appreciate great variety, check out my website’s at: WWW,WRITEROFBOOKS.COM --- or Google me...after 58 years of penning verse and authoring childrens and suspense books, I’m easy to reach! I've also got a bunch of my verse posted on Youtube, and a few samples listed on Ebay, both findable by simply searching: "Mark Stellinga". Cheers, Mark