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Dwyle Flonking:
At the Annual Summer Fayre in Alnwick, Northumberland, the medieval practice of 'Dwyle Flonking' survives to this day.
A vertical rotating spindle has a horizontal bar attached to it known as the 'driveller' from which is suspended a beer soaked floor cloth known as the 'dwyle'. A circle of maidens sit on three legged stools while the driveller is spun round above their heads by the person in control of the apparatus known as the 'flonker.'
When the driveller stops rotating, the dwyle decants its contents all over some poor maidens head. By tradition the local Squire may then spirit the unfortunate maiden away to the nearest haystack and have his wicked way. Enough of this preamble - on with the motley!


She was only a farm worker's daughter
But quite pretty with bonny blue eyes
If you've never seen her, well you oughter
She has big boobs and very nice thighs.

To cut to the chase, here's the story
Of how Nellie achieved lasting fame
She covered herself in such glory
And Nellie was this lassie's name.

The Dwyle had stopped over poor Nellie
The beer slopped down o'er her head
The Squire slapped his hands on his belly
And said "I'll have her in my bed."

But Nellie was feisty and canny
The Squire was ugly and vile
"He'll not get near my nook and cranny"
"Not likely, and not by a mile."

Now the Squire had drank too much sherry
As he led poor Nellie away
He slurred "we are going to make merry
When I get you down in the hay."

Poor Nellie had no cause to worry
The Squire's old sap wouldn't rise
So she lay there and said 'Whats the hurry
Does that thing come in a man's size?'

She looked with contempt at the Squire
Said "Is that the best you can do?
My brother's got more to admire
And him, bless his soul's only two."

The Squire was quite humiliated
He stumbled and fell from the stack
And Nellie ne'er felt so elated
'Cos he died from a huge heart-attack.

Back at the fayre they all cheered
When they heard of the Squire's demise
At his wake he was quite roundly jeered
For they felt they had all won first prize.

Nellie's tale may by now be a-fadin'
Dwyle flonking's alive to this day
But no longer can squires take a maiden
To have their vile way in the hay!

The Dwyle Flonker's song:

Now here we be, now here we be,
With our Dwyles and our Drivellers,
Now you know how to play, so hear what I say,
Grab a hold of that Driveller and shout “Dwyles Away.”

O drivel, O drivel, O drivel.

Now down we all go to the old village green,
The flonking match there is for all to be seen.
The driveller spins and the crowd they do shout,
And then they start hurlin' them floorcloths about.

O drivel, O drivel, O drivel.

Now the game it do end and down go the sun,
And one team 'as lost and the other teams' won
But nobody knows of the score on the board
Cos they're flat on their backs and as drunk as a Lord!

O drivel, O drivel, O drivel.

Copyright © | Year Posted 2020

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Date: 11/17/2020 7:30:00 PM
G’day Bill … had a smile on my dial the entire way through your posting Bill. Interesting times indeed Bill - Lindsay
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Bill Brook
Date: 11/18/2020 5:39:00 AM
Hi Lindsay, It's always good to see your cheerful "G'day"s. I hope all is well in Aussieland. Take care my friend - Bill
Date: 11/15/2020 5:44:00 PM
Amazing, Bill. Better than 'The Canterbury Tales,' any day. Right into my FAVES! Brilliantly penned. Thank you, Gershon
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Bill Brook
Date: 11/16/2020 3:38:00 AM
Hi Gershwin, Many thanks for reviewing so kindly. The Canterbury Tales eh? I'll hang on to that for a while, it will help me to cope with the lockdown. :-) Best wishes - Bill
Date: 11/15/2020 3:47:00 AM
I dont know whether to laugh or cry, lol.. This is the first time I have heard this tale and you told it in your own humorous way.. Brilliant.
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Bill Brook
Date: 11/15/2020 5:42:00 AM
Hi SO, Thanks for your review, the story of Dwyle Flonking is founded on fact, and in post medieval times the rank 'Squire' was the title given to someone who in importance ranked higher than a 'Gentleman' but lower than a 'Knight' and most of them were landowners who absolute power over the serfs and commoners who lived on their land - and did indeed abuse their power by 'taking' young maidens - often before they went through puberty - such was life back then. Thanks for stopping by - Bill
Date: 11/14/2020 9:49:00 AM
Wow Bill, you write ‘The Doyle Flonkers’ tale with humour and flair in your verse, what merriment you northerners enjoy up in your neck of the woods. So glad to hear young Nellie’s honour was saved that day and the drunken blighter never got his way. Love the poem and lyrics to the song... Belle ;-)
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Bill Brook
Date: 11/14/2020 10:33:00 AM
Hi Belle, We Northerners can let our hair down from time-to-time, thanks for stopping by with your generous review. Regards Bill :-)
Date: 11/14/2020 4:55:00 AM
Well, you learn something new every day and I read this with great interest. My instinct would be to avoid sitting in the Dwyle flonking circle lol. Thanks for sharing some of your culture. Best, SuZ
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Bill Brook
Date: 11/14/2020 7:09:00 AM
Hi Suzanne, Your instincts would have been right too. Nowadays it is all good fun and an excuse to sink a glass or two of ale - or wine/cocktails for the ladies. Thanks for stopping by. Bill
Date: 11/14/2020 3:56:00 AM
Haha brilliant Bill, learned something new today, sounds like the days of yesteryear were great fun, I suppose they had little else to do and had to make their own fun. But a roll in the hay, wahay. Enjoy your weekend. Tom
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Bill Brook
Date: 11/14/2020 7:05:00 AM
Hi Tom, Nowadays it is simply a carnival, but way back in the past it certainly had its unfortunate sinister side. Best wishes - and enjoy your weekend too. Regards Bill