Car Wars - 1st Half In Text - Plus Full Audio

Here's the scoop, friends... This is, as indicated, the 1st HALF of this fairly lengthy poem. The 2nd half had to be posted separately due to Poetry Soup's file-size limitations. No other way I could manage to make it happen...I hope you'll read the whole piece, it's a riot...particularly for classic car folks - Batchin’ it last Saturday, I didn’t feel much like cookin’, but when I took a look outside the rain was pelting down. I stood there wondering which of all my cars I’d pick to drive to grab a couple burgers on the other side o’ town. Half of those I own are not the best for weather-stripping… and half the other half, at least, have wipers on the blink. The brand new car my wife just bought was right there on the driveway, but I didn’t really feel like drivin’ ‘round in something pink! The fastest one by far was, sadly, way back in the corner, and, naturally, because we’d built a twenty-four car garage… Every time I felt like getting some place really fast - and hoped for easy access to my fuel-injected Dodge - It seemed I’d always find it buried deep and on the top! Wish I’d put a door at either end, but no…not me! With 3 cars deep - and 4 cars wide - and lifts above them all - I dread the thought of bringin’ out…an upper number three! My wife insists on picking out the cars we’ll drive to cruise-ins, and, damn, I swear she picks the ones she does to hear me cuss! The one she picked last weekend - for the car show at the mall - took so long to get prepared…she actually took the bus! She headed out ‘round five o’clock and told me, “Bring the Edsel. Fill it up, check the oil, and drop the top…and, Mark, don’t forget to rinse it off and wax it…..it’s a mess! I’ll register…then join you once you’ve found a place to park.” Well…I showed up at 6:15, and there she was, with Norma - Harley Baxter’s sister, who - to say the least - is “heavy.” Now…Norma’d parked her big old butt on Jubil Morgan’s Mustang, The one he’s done his very best to turn into a Chevy. I’m talkin’ ‘bout the ‘70 Ford he’s made into a ragtop! He bought himself a 1930 Buick cabriolet, Then took its top and welded it…along with two big “fins”… on what he claims is now…a ‘57 Chevrolet! Damn, that thing is ugly, but, old Jubil thinks it’s awesome, and I was only half way done with scrubbin’ off the bugs When Jubil came a-runnin’ up an’ caught that big old oinker leanin’ on his pride and joy, and grabbed her by her jugs, Slung ‘er ‘cross the parking lot - a-screamin’ like a banshee, “Damn it, Norma…keep your big ol’ hiney off my car!” Seemed to me appropriate…….but what amazed me most was seein’ that old o’ feller throw a ton o’ lard that far! Now, Jubil’s close to eighty-five, and weighs about a hundred, while Norma’s more like forty-five, and huge - your basic bruiser - So - once she got her bearings - and because of what he’d said - she stormed back up to where he stood - still checkin’ out his cruiser - Grabbed him by his you-know-whats and lifted him straight up! The look on Jubil’s face is one I never will forget. With one great wrenching squeeze she turned his face from pink to white, then dumped his writhing body on some youngster’s new Corvette. The guy who owned the vette was so incensed he tackled Norma, then started throwing punches as he screamed, “You ugly moose!” Well…those who don’t know Norma figured….this ‘ll do her in - but those who do were not surprised when Norma struggled loose, Snagged her young assailant by the throat, then grabbed his belt, Pressed him well above her head, then - coming to a stop - Spun him ‘round a half a dozen times then actually heaved him, Sprawling him, intentionally, on Jubil’s canvas top! A couple minutes later, when the two men had recovered, I watched a fuming Jubil and the guy she’d pitched convene, Then march across the parking lot together to the spot where Norma’s brother, Harley, sat…admiring his machine. They picked him up and dragged him to the front-end of his car, mashed him like a pile of dough, then knotted him up good, Forced his body, part by part, deep inside its fenders without so much as saying why….then Jubil slammed the hood! Seeing what the two revengeful men had done to Harley, Porky Baker - Tubby’s mom - ran up and let him out. Harley took off running after Jubil and the youngster, all fired up to learn, first hand, what this was all about. Still a little woozy, Harley stumbled on a pothole, slightly grazing Leo Sidwell’s ’37 Cord. Well…as you know…there’s nothing in this world that Leo hates more than guys who’ll only own a Chevy…or a Ford, And knowing, too, that Harley’s always claiming only Chevy ever made a vehicle that’s worthy of - a “show,” Leo grabbed his arm and hollered, “You just scratched my car! I’ll need a check for twenty thousand bucks before you go!” “Twenty grand to paint that pig,” an angry Harley roared, “that pile o’ junk’s been scratched to hell for long as I recall. I’ve heard about your lame attempts to paint that thing for free by parking far too close to others out here at the mall.” Now, be sure to read the 2nd HALF - if you enjoy laughing, it's definitely worth it - Mark