Home » Poems » Charmaine Chircop » Reaching Deepest Oceans ,Revised

Reaching Deepest Oceans ,Revised

My cherished one How far will I love you As far as where moons dissolve in deep seas Beyond the edge of a tide's crimson hue where your breath quickens sails with fevered breeze Alone I 'll embark to our promised land across long borders of unending pain under still stars and above drifting sand through anchored shadows of persistent rain. Oh those foreign eyes yet not so distant Your arms safe harbor of a warm embrace Two hearts entwine against odds resistant 'Neath plum fog sky my lips outline your face Water rises 'tween silent hope and time But water falls and I will make you mine

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Cyndi Macmillan

Date: 6/10/2015 8:38:00 PM

Hugs to you, Charmaine. Though the workshop is locked, I'm not truly closing it for another week to allow time for those who joined late to give and receive feedback. Your sonnet is lovely and you should feel proud of all your hard work! You were a trooper!!

Skat A

Date: 6/9/2015 11:48:00 PM

:) congrats on your workshop poem

Charmaine Chircop

Date: 5/13/2015 9:38:00 PM

Cont..and depth of love which travels that far and for so long...I didnt understand the blank ..oops

Charmaine Chircop

Date: 5/13/2015 9:35:00 PM

Erased my previous comment by mistake ,Rewriting it.Pls guide me by taking a pick.I can use as far as where moons scattered,vanished,submerged,sunk in,or fossilized but that would send us in jurassic era.That is one could go in the infinite past to prove love,or We can use present/future ,such as vanish,scatter etc..That would lead to infinity..Beyond centuries to come.Which one do you like best?Sorry i replied here,but its faster.My poem was ibspired by a movie and yes it is the distance

Cyndi Macmillan

Date: 5/12/2015 8:35:00 PM

Charmaine, if you're happy with it, I would change the title to include Revised. Way to go... it is hard, hard work to revise, to pick and choose advice, to try and try again. Now, I do this with every poem I write. LOL. It is both exhausting and rewarding. Hugs, dear. Such a lovely sonnet. xoxCyndi

Charmaine Chircop
Date: 5/13/2015 4:40:00 AM

oops reposted it,but ok Ill change the title of this one to revise : ) tnks dear

Richard Lamoureux

Date: 5/9/2015 9:49:00 AM

I am torn, I enjoyed both emensely. I do like how you normally have your poems centered, it somehow makes them easier to read. Great job here Charmaine, I also enjoyed the comments.

Charmaine Chircop
Date: 5/13/2015 4:41:00 AM

Thanks for liking both versions Richard,thanks so much : )

Debbie Guzzi

Date: 5/8/2015 9:24:00 PM

Looks like you have been working very hard! Nice going!

Charmaine Chircop
Date: 5/8/2015 9:45:00 PM

Hi dear Deborah,thanks for your previous input on my original poem ... I took your advice, I avoided spaces that drive you nuts : ),I replaced the old fashioned Beloved,and used 'My chetished one, and I used submerged instead of immersed . Thanks so much dear ma : )

Debbie Guzzi
Date: 5/8/2015 9:35:00 PM

Just just in your periods & question marks Charma.

John Lawless

Date: 5/8/2015 6:49:00 PM

Charmaine, great job, even in the reading you control the rise and fall of the water, of the poem. Well done.

Charmaine Chircop
Date: 5/8/2015 9:23:00 PM

I'm so glad you like it better John, and thanks for your help !

Cyndi Macmillan

Date: 5/8/2015 3:28:00 PM

Love it Charmaine! Beautiful. Hard work you put into that. I hope you found the experience enjoyable. Fantastic!!!

Charmaine Chircop
Date: 5/8/2015 3:39:00 PM

Yes I am more than happy ,Thanks for your help Cyndi : ).Now,Should I repost the revised version and the poem before the editing beneath it?Or not now ?

Cyndi Macmillan
Date: 5/8/2015 3:30:00 PM

PS the loss of the commas does give it a fresh, contemporary flair. Many published poems choose to remove all punctuation. Almost a show of rebellion. It works for this piece.

Cyndi Macmillan

Date: 5/7/2015 8:51:00 PM

Okay, highly romantic. Mmmmm... :D ... so much to like! I like how it ends on a very positive note, uplifting, the hope. Now, zephyr is a kind of breeze, so I would suggest "tweaking" that line. "where your breath quickens sails, a fevered breeze/ The second to last line that "Water built walls between passion and time/ but water falls and I will make you mine." All these suggestions may feel overwhelming; think of them like a fruit market ;) pick up the peach, maybe it isn't for you. xoxox

Charmaine Chircop
Date: 5/8/2015 9:22:00 PM

famous poets I meant : )

Charmaine Chircop
Date: 5/8/2015 9:21:00 PM

Thanks for the useful info Cyn..I'm sure I'm going to feel more relaxed when writing another sonnet knowing rules aren't as strict as they seem.I did read that certain famous ports didn't always stick to the ten syllable count,but somehow I thought its not something I am accepted to do.That is encouraging dear.By the way ,that is great news for your sonnet to be published.I"m happy for you !!! : )

Cyndi Macmillan
Date: 5/8/2015 3:52:00 PM

Actually, I thought I'd better mention this: Did you know that all those classic sonneteers, Elizabeth Barrett Browning, for example, wrote some of her lines with 11 syllables instead of 10? I once used to make sure 10/10/10... then I start reading BOTH the classics and contemporary sonnets, counting silly-bulls. Guess what? Classic poets also varied the counts. It isn't new ;)

Cyndi Macmillan
Date: 5/8/2015 3:37:00 PM

If you EVER hear you MUST write a sonnet in meter, please discount that advice. Meter is a good tool to learn, and I support all poets who wish to pursue learning meter. Many of the books I read to my girl are written in meter. I just want to make sure you understand that sonnets are being published without meter, enjoyed and read everyday.

Cyndi Macmillan
Date: 5/8/2015 3:34:00 PM

Hon, it is fine to write with meter. It is fine to write without meter. The sonnet I am having published? I did not write it with meter in mind. I never thought of it once. My lines vary syllable counts, too. I focused on the language. Every word was placed specifically for mood and/or meaning.

Charmaine Chircop
Date: 5/8/2015 7:55:00 AM

Cyn...I. love the feeling between the rising and falling of water.The rise is like a border between him and her,but the fall of the water/wave/tide will make it possible to reach him,and him her.Hope and time..Time is against them but hope remains... I do love to use 'the silence though'.Sometimes I get confused about the stressed and unstressed syllables,especially when I'm thinking in my native language...: ) 'Water rises 'tween silence,hope and time'..Do you like that? I can use passion instead of silence,but guess passion could be felt in other lines..and the journey is only for passion's sake..Yes? No? : ).Silence,I love to use your word silence cuz silence says so much many times,What do you think ?

Cyndi Macmillan
Date: 5/8/2015 5:36:00 AM

Good point on the show/tell! Hmmm... thinking...thinking.... oh wait... water silences passion, dissolves time... again, something to think about. Sometimes, somebody can say something and your mind may go in another direction, but use a component of the idea given. THAT IS GOOD. It's like a spark! xoxox

Charmaine Chircop
Date: 5/8/2015 12:00:00 AM

doesn't it..I meant : )

Charmaine Chircop
Date: 5/7/2015 11:56:00 PM

Ok Cyndi..I like the severed and am going to change it. If I say water built walls ain' t I spoon feeding a bit?Water rises doesn't show the same thing but tell less?What do you think?,but I'm.going to change the zephyr,you are so right there.Thankyou sweety pie :.)

John Lawless

Date: 5/7/2015 6:18:00 PM

Charmaine, well done on the sonnet rewrite.....perhaps alter the last two line couplet to read "Water rises between our hopes and time" to eliminate the repetition of the word "mine". NOW...if you wish to add the addition take Tim's suggestion and rewrite it in the same rhythm and pace of the "sonnet". It would then be a form of rhymed verse. Hope the suggestions are helpful.

Charmaine Chircop
Date: 5/7/2015 11:48:00 PM

Oh..that was supposed to be 'time`, a silly typo of mine B-).Thanks for your input John,thanks again Tim.

Tim Smith
Date: 5/7/2015 7:42:00 PM

John you are right. It is supposed to be time. Excellent suggestions... Tim

Robert Stoner Jr

Date: 5/7/2015 3:36:00 PM

How about two souls "entwine" to keep it in present tense? Smooths the read a bit too. Maybe " "tween shores and time."How about "My fight against both life..." drop the "I" as your using "I" a lot.I'd lose both "Cuz and "crazily". Now its I who'll shake rough corals to find you once again... lose the 2nd "I" and "just." I'm not a fan of double spacing and I like the 3 quatrain and couplet form for sonnets. This read is easy and understandable,not too wordy,punctuation is a personal taste here.

Charmaine Chircop
Date: 5/7/2015 5:31:00 PM

Thanks for the "side' tip too,keeping it in mind.

Charmaine Chircop
Date: 5/7/2015 5:30:00 PM

I now worked on it ti make it a sonnet,I love sonnets but when I think in maltese I soomehow get confused about the unstressed and stressed syllables : )..Sorry for any typos in mycomment,am writing in the dark cuz everyone is asleep here,and don't want to wake them up : )

Cyndi Macmillan
Date: 5/7/2015 4:10:00 PM

Why do you consider this free verse? Except for the first line, isn't this a sonnet?

Cyndi Macmillan
Date: 5/7/2015 4:08:00 PM

Charmaine, I only have a minute, right now. Yes, its true, when submitting poetry they want it single spaced and never centered. Such a romantic piece, very engaging to read... I'll come back tonight with a few suggestions. HUGS!

Charmaine Chircop
Date: 5/7/2015 3:52:00 PM

Yes,I like all the advice you gave,I'm going to work on it. ,,thanks so much: )

Tim Smith

Date: 5/7/2015 10:48:00 AM

Charma the added piece does make it better...your rhyme scheme goes... abab cdcd efef gg ....the added stanza should match...just my observation but I do love the poem

Charmaine Chircop
Date: 5/7/2015 5:33:00 PM

Thanks for being so helpful re my sonnet today,Tim !!

Tim Smith
Date: 5/7/2015 2:53:00 PM

We will be here to help : )

Charmaine Chircop
Date: 5/7/2015 2:51:00 PM

Thanks Tim, your advice is always important to me..Im going to try and make a sonnet out of my verses,I only written one sonnet in my life,but am gonna try..So then I can keep my gg; )..I need to try and make more of the conclusion as well...We ll see : )

John Lawless

Date: 5/7/2015 10:45:00 AM

Charmaine, a personal taboo of mine is the use of the words "again" and "sublime" as a rhyming escape. There is consistent typo with the punctuation - no space after the commas. I would suggest a trial write as a sonnet just to re-focus it. Prior to the addition it was 15 lines and could be re-written easily(or not) in the sonnet style. I will re-read it several more times and check back. I hope I can figure out how to access the forum presentation.

Charmaine Chircop
Date: 5/7/2015 2:56:00 PM

Thanks John,I only written one sonnet in my life,but I'm going to try and make a sonnet out of this.So ,I" m going to stick to my 14 lines,try to create a better conclusion,fix my punctuation , and avoid the again and sublime. Its a lot of work,Hope I won't give up. Thanks for your input : )