One day I smile

Looking up at the sky, to see some beauty in all of my ugliness
Depression, anxiety & Bipolar fighting to leave me the bloodiest
I'm stuck in the middle, with nothing to protect me
I'm going through the worst times, But still trying to be the best me

I sit and think about my biological sperm donor from time to time
He wasn't in my life, but he crosses my mind
Imagine if he took me too the park to play football
Imagine if he picked up the phone just to give me a call

Passed around foster families, because my parents wouldn't put the drink down
Bad memories are all I have to be around
I need space from my own mind, but I can't find it
How can I move forward, if I'm always behind it?

I sit and wish I could go back and change things
If I could, I'd get help for depression quicker and i'd give Chantal a ring
I'd have married her and wouldn't have thought twice
I've had far too many long days in this short life 

Depression made me push Chantal away, it plays on my mind daily
She's not in my life anymore, I just hope she doesn't hate me
I've had girls before and after, but  she's the one I think about?
Am I wrong for using her name as I pour this ink out?

I'm 5 years free from Self-harm, but I wish I never did it in the first place
It broke my heart that, my biological sperm donor didn't even send a card for my birthdays
All I ever wanted was a hug and guidance from that man
Am I wrong for wishing for that?, is that too much to understand? 

I never cried when he died so am I a Hypocrite?
Forced to be a man since I was a little kid 
The sadness lives on, these are the tears I never cried
One day I'll smile, but this was something I had to write

One day I'll smile and all of this will be behind me
I'm going to keep battling my demons and hope Happiness finds me 
One day I'll smile, and find my way
I'll smile with a lot of happiness one day

Copyright © | Year Posted 2017

Post Comments
Please Login to post a comment
Date: 9/13/2017 7:59:00 AM
"too many long days in this short life" brilliant line my dear! My sperm donor said I was too ugly to be his and accused my 16yr old mum of sleeping around. Had better luck later with dads in her 3 marriages LOL! I love your spirit Alex, I believe happiness is there for you. xomo
Login to Reply
Duffy Avatar
Alex Duffy
Date: 9/19/2017 6:25:00 PM
Thank you, glad you liked that line so much :), I'm sorry your biological sperm donor said that to you, some people just don't know how to be parents, Thank you so much, I believe it is aswell :)