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Poem

sometimes i think of you when i can't sleep and i stare at the closet, i remember when we were kids and used to hide in your closet and build a fort and hide from the world, either it was our parents or our future, nothing existed beyond it.i stare at my gray walls that were once your favorite color. when i go to stores in your town i wonder if i'll see you. if your hair will be shorter and lighter, if your eyebrows will be thinner, the outfit you'd wear
how tall you'd be now?-you were always so much more taller than me.
i wonder if you felt guilty like i do- if you wish you had been there that night with me. or if you even know the truth.
 as i cried inside of my closet as our parents fought i wished you were with me-even if it was selfish to put you through what i did-
 i knew you would've cried with me and consoled me.
 it feels as if i'm a soul survivor. 
my mother is too traumatized to remember- and i pray to the heavens you know the truth. 
i wonder if he told you the holy version of which wasn't true, i remember being so young. too this day 3yrs later i selfishly pray you feel the same guilt i do- it's disgusting i wish for you too feel as broken as me- so impure. but i pray for it anyway because being a soul survivor means only I carry this charcoaled burden throughout my life- 
i vomit my sins into words i cannot myself comprehend- 
but i know if you were here with me these words would be nothing but a second language to you- 
you were always so understanding. even when it was me being woken up in our shared bed to my mother throwing my clothing into bags saying we had to leave. you were just as scared as me because we were only children- yet you held me as i cried and beg for
this to be over with.
maybe it was your way of coping-to help me. or if you did it because you felt bad for me i truly will never know-
i'll never have the courage to call you and ask. 
but i remember sitting in the hallway listening to our parents talk and us saying how we wished they'd get married so we could be REAL true sisters.
 i never know if you wanted it as-well or if you just felt bad for me being alone. but even know as we don't talk anymore i still love you- you were the first person to ever show me sympathy no matter what the topic was. maybe you hate me for the things l've said, but they were out of sadness for knowing i was loosing you. to my first ever
"sister" -"lindsey."
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