Email Poem

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Personal Note:
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Poem
What if I let you in my head
all the noise 
all the stress
all the problems
would you leave
like so many before you
or would you be different
and try to help instead

What if I cried in your arms
sobbing telling you how my head is never silenced
it’s never ending what if’s 
explaining exactly how im at fault
how i'm the problem
how i should act
how i should be 
would you laugh telling me i’m stupid
or would you tell me again that you’re here

What if I knew i was bad for you
telling you my head is never going to change
i'm always going to be insecure
going to hate my body
going to hate my actions
going to hate my head
would you be there to help me
explaining and understanding
or would you finally say that you are rid of me for good

What if the urge to hurt got too big
and i cut… deep
would you get mad
would you yell
would you tell me that im stupid
or would you try to understand why 
and help so it doesn’t happen again

What if i couldn’t take it anymore
the feeling of hatred towards myself
the feeling of being horrible
being wretched
being gross
being unlovable
being untrustworthy
could you handle helping me
making me feel like i'm the opposite
time and time again
or would you say figure it out on your own
like everyone else

What if i ended it all
couldn’t take this life anymore
couldn’t take the pain
feeling like I never belong
even with you
sideways glances 
weird looks
no time for me
too busy to help when i really need it

What if i ended it all
couldn’t stand a life without you
couldn’t stand to hurt you anymore
couldn’t stand this anymore
short texts
no kisses
no hugs
no touch
less talking
my heart gone
broken
because of them
because i'm not good enough

What if you finally realize that I am not good enough
all of me is so broken that you snapped
that it came crashing in
you finally realize
i'm not good enough
i don’t help
i'm not pretty enough
i can’t make you happy
i don’t make you smile or laugh
i don’t make you safe
you don’t love me

What if you finally realize im not what you're looking for
i would finally understand that it was all a lie
i would know then why i'm unloveable 
i would know why i'm so messed up
i would know why i don’t deserve to live
because i hurt you
because i made the one good thing to come to me leave
i made you leave

What if you finally realize you don’t actually love me
like everybody else
What if
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