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dreams …

diaphanous …
mysteries of the mind
that will never find an answer
fluid and dynamic
beyond our affect or sense …
personally,
I remember only a couple from my childhood
rather nondescript …
and early adulthood was par -
mostly confused jargon
fueled by hormones
hopes … regret … frustration
lots of frustration dreams -
an intense hindrance
where life and death depended on
my doing something that I
just could NOT do
no matter the effort …
then,
came the poison -
The Deceiver
lover and foe in one
(let me tell you, the devil has a face)
and with that particular toxin
came the nightmares …
now, don’t mistake
we ALL have bad dreams
for many reasons we can’t discern
but these were beyond any imagination
horrors, indescribable and lucid
FAR beyond the bounds
of any movie I’d ever seen
any words I’d read
any thoughts or origins, internal
and outside the realm of my mind’s
intricacies and courses
nothing I had or even COULD conceive
from … ELSEwhere -
a very deep, dark elsewhere
(and that’s what truly frightened me)
and yet they came
over and over and over
weeks, months, years
waking in the dark
lips bleeding
fists clenched like iron
with screams on my breath -
blood-chilling wails from my deepest core
that brought others running
that sounded like an agony, unquenchable
and left me bawling -
sobbing like a lost child
but with far more passion
and much, much deeper terror
that stayed
that gripped me
that filled my marrow like a curse
oh, it took a good half-hour
to bring me back to my senses -
to ease the flood …
and it was a fright so intense
that sleep became a gruesome beast
one I could not control
or comprehend
or escape …
my greatest fear - my enemy -
became sleep itself
yet if I DIDN’T sleep intentionally
the nightmares that came
when I finally gave in to exhaustion
were even worse
thus,
I HAD to surrender each night
and pray that the monster
AND the poison
would one day
relent …
and one day … they DID
yes, they did
(for the most part)
but not without first having to endure
a LIVING nightmare -
a pain, illness, anxiety, and exhaustion
I could never have imagined
or even anticipated …
oh, many times I failed, miserably
to the point of wanting
my own end -
trying to bring it about
but I failed there as well, (thankfully)
and kept fighting
a very lonely battle
for the only other option was death -
a very powerful motivator …
then …
time and good fortune brought
me a release -
a miracle, in my humble opinion
(some people disagree)
a thin, orange sliver of
bitter bite beneath my tongue
and a new life … literally
a salvation
and a second chance
to LIVE
for which I am endlessly grateful
and yet …
every so often
a dream will come from the
darkest memories of that time
and grasp my heart with
its black hand
and SQUEEZE my being
til I awake with a wail
and a wet face …
a payment, I believe
(or a reminder)
for a very bad choice …
so,
I say a prayer that hell has
seen enough of me
close my eyes
and drift back to that realm
where I am at the mercy
of the darkness
again …
in the hold of happenstance
and at the favor of
my mind’s deepest and
strangest and most
capricious …

meanderings.







* this is a form I created called “Bookend Free Verse - I hope you enjoyed it *

Copyright © Gregory Richard Barden, September 10, 2023
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